Growing Pains

Two things are not a secret about me, I don't like change and in roughly five months I'll turn thirty. Of those two one I have absolutely no control over but the other one I can control no matter what I may think and try to tell myself. I think the worst, yet most rewarding growing pain is proving to be the emotional maturing part. Have you ever thought and even fought with yourself about a certain trait you have or feeling you've been dealing with and suddenly there are literally signs everywhere about it? For example, I know I worry a lot and try as I might not to it still charges at me and knocks me down quite often. Suddenly I have honest to God seen signs about how you shouldn't be worrying everywhere. One was while in a store and I saw a cup that said something like stop worrying and pray about it but DO NOT QUIT. Hopefully no one was around cause that made me chuckle and I thought, okay I get it, I got to quit over thinking and worrying. The big one that I desperately want to change and work on is all of these walls I've built up. On the way home from visiting a friend the light bulb finally got fixed and came back on and I realized a few things. My reason for the wall is mostly to keep people at a distance so I don't get close, only problem is that even with that wall there are a few people that I've still gotten close to and I think the world of them. Therefore, for those that have more than passed the test that they are true friends and are going to stick around I want to walk out from behind the wall and be myself around them. My fear is when I do that they'll be gone (said like Tim Conway does as Brashly in the Went With The Wind skit)...now that I got that squirrel moment out of the way, even with that fear I don't want to have to live with the regret that I missed out on some good talks, laughs and being close to those few because I'm worried about things that most likely would never happen if I did just be me. I can't change the fact that people come and go out of my life, there is after all a reason for that, and no amount of hiding will help people stay longer or even leave sooner. The thing that bothers me to no end is in my head I can have a normal conversation and say what I want but as soon as I open my mouth 'POOF' it disappears. It cannot be normal to get so nervous about going and seeing people either and it's not even because I don't want to visit them, in fact it's worse with the people I do want to go visit. Anyway these are some conclusions I recently came to, some of them only being the hundreth time I have came to this conclusion but one day it'll stick. Instead of freaking out about turning 30 I'm going to be grateful and focus on being a better friend and person by being more open and myself. I think there is a saying that you got to love yourself before you can love anyone else so that would be a good place to start. I hope my friends continue to have patience with me and I'm doing the right thing by tearing some more of these layers of walls down. I can finally admit this type of behavior is greatly hindering me and I want to fix it and change. I want to sit down with my friends and actually talk out loud not leave and regret not saying what i wanted to. I don't even mind if I stay quiet, shy, backwards, whatever you want to call it because that is part of who I am but I don't want to reach a newer level in that quiet shyness that doesn't hold me back as much. This concludes this fairly decent pep talk now I must go and put these words to action. It's easy to point out what needs to be fixed and write about it or even talk about it but the next step is the hardest yet most important. I write that but secretly (not so much a secret now I suppose) I'm scared out of my wits and wonder if this is the right step but obviously the way I've been thinking hasn't exactly been working.I think I'm afraid I'll become someone I'm not or maybe the real me isn't that good of a person but I think that's just some safe excuses I've saved up to use to keep me from walking out from behind the wall. I believe this is finally my time to become like the caterpillar that has patiently waited in its cocoon. I know this is going to take a lot of effort and work in which I will no doubt fall many times but it's time to leave the cocoon and see that the caterpillar has transformed into a butterfly.