Island of Misfits

I thought I had written about this random thought before but I can't find it so I'm just going to go with I need to hear it again and thus potentially write it again.

Two of my favorite things about the animation of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was year after year seeing Yukon Cornelius and the toys on the Island of Misfit Toys. I absolutely love the spotted elephant and I always wanted to go the island because I felt like I would belong there. Yet I never understood why those toys was brought there. Each year they tried to convince me they belonged there because who wants a train with square wheels, or a Charlie-in-the-box, a spotted elephant, a water pistol that shoots jelly, a bird that swims...am I forgetting any, well you get the idea. And each year I would think but those things make you the best toys ever. Recently those toys and that island came to mind and like I do I got to over thinking and something came to mind.

To often we put ourselves on the Island of Misfits and we wait for so long thinking we won't ever get off the island and even that we don't deserve to get off the Island. When Hermey, Yukon and Rudolph crash into the island and realize what it is Hermey and Rudolph feel like they've finally found a place they can belong. Rudolph's feeling like he belongs is short lived because he feels like his nose that shines so bright will cause harm to those he has come to care about so he makes his way off by himself.

Oftentimes in life we get put on the Island of Misfits be it from something we went through, a cutting remark or two (or more) from someone that meant a lot to us or nowadays a troll on the internet, or many other reasons of things being said or done (or not done) that cause us to believe lies about ourselves. To many of us at one point, now or for entirely to long have probably felt unworthy, unchosen, like you don't belong, unlovable, maybe even a bother.

Sometimes we even feel like we have the wrong name. Charlie-in-the-box felt like he was a misfit because all Jack-in-the-boxes are supposed to be named Jack and who would want a Charlie-in-the-box. He thought his name is what made him what he was supposed to be. Why would anyone want a Charlie-in-the-box? To him it made no sense, no one has ever said oh I want a Charlie-in-the-box, he had to have the name Jack to be wanted to become who he was supposed to be. You may have a first name you hate and/or a last name that comes with a lot of baggage (those [insert last name] aren't anything but trouble, not a good one in the bunch). You may have even been given labels that have made you believe you aren't able to be who and/or what you want to be. Maybe you've been told you're to much or to little of something, been given the label of can't - sometimes we get told we can't be or do something so much we believe it so much that we don't ever even try cause why waste the time I can't do it anyway. What Charlie and many of us don't realize is our name is just part of us it doesn't define us. Charlie was the best and still to this date the only jack-in-the-box that I like. His name made him unique. He still was able to do exactly what he was meant to do and he was remembered more for it because he had a name that would be remembered. You may think you have the wrong name or even a name you hate don't let it keep you on the island because you have a name that deserves to be and will be remembered for the awesome thing(s) that make you who you are. And those labels that was put on you that aren't who you are how about you and I both start making an effort to mark those out and replace them one by one with labels of who we really are and what if we try one more time or for the first time in a long time to do that thing that's been on your heart for a long time.

Sometimes we are put on a shelf for so long that we feel forgotten, unworthy and unlovable. Many argue that the doll doesn't belong on the island but what makes her feel like a misfit isn't seen with the eye. So many of us are walking around with things that make us feel like a misfit that we cover with smiles, laughs and an I'm okay. Some of us in some way, shape, or form have had things happen to us that have made us feel rejected, abandoned, forgotten, unworthy, undeserving and/or unlovable. We have situations, illnesses that effect us and give us challenges that not everyone sees or understands, and we just feel like a misfit put on a shelf and forgotten about. For those in our lives that have struggles from things that have happened to them or from illnesses that cause challenges may we show and give them a little patience and extra love and whatever else they may need (each person has different individual needs, concerns, etc.). And perhaps you're like me and are backwards and unsure what to do for those people in your life to you maybe reach out and explain or say this is where you are now can you do or not do X,Y,Z....sometimes we all get in a hurry in this rat race of a life and maybe don't realize we are leaving you behind or doing something that is making things more difficult for you. And may we always find time to be there for those that are in our life and may we always have someone there for us when we need it. I say this so much but we truly don't know what a simple message of praying for you, love you, thank you, how are you, you're not alone, etc can truly mean and help someone. It doesn't take an all day thing or lots of money to take someone off the shelf and remind them they matter and be there.

With Rudolph he found a friend in Hermey and Yukon and truly loved them so much so that when his nose shone bright he felt like he was a bother and was going to cause them harm by unintentionally bringing the abominable snowman right to their door. So he left on his own, not telling anyone where exactly he was heading and felt he was safer by himself. At least this way he wouldn't be a bother. Me personally, I am notorious for feeling like I'm a bother to people and I have gotten so used to just doing things for myself by myself that I'm not the best at accepting or even asking for help. I'm not even good at understanding the concept of it's good to visit and I'm not a bother at visiting or spending time with people. It's a learning process for me so if you personally know me and I do this to you it's nothing personal at all and I do sincerely apologize I'm probably thinking I'm being a bother so I'm trying to step back - I'll be back or you can say what are you doing get back here if you see fit. Sometimes people think they are protecting others and/or themselves by going away and not being as present as they really want to be because they don't want to be a bother they don't want the abominable to find you cause of them. Sometimes people think they are a bother or are going to interfere and cause trouble even with other relationships and friendships you have and sometimes people may feel threatened by those other friendships and relationships so some to keep peace they think the best is to just step back or go away to try to keep peace but there's room and love for all kinds of different friendships and relationships and we need them all. And don't ever think you're a bother cause your nose shines bright and you are there or say thank you or love you to much (some days we need that more than we ever let anyone know) Don't hide or run away because you think you are a bother I promise nine times out of ten you aren't being a bother and you know what just ask - cause I have found that that jerk of a voice in my head loves to lie to me and make me think I'm to much or a bother or whatever so just ask and that way when you find out no you're not a bother then you have some fight back the next time that lie comes back again.

Lastly, one has to mention Yukon Cornelius he is the kind of person you want in your corner and the kind of person I hope to be in others corner. He didn't conform to what others said you needed or had to be or had to like. He was there for Hermey and Rudolph and I think he helped them see so much in themselves. Hermey and Yukon never stopped looking for Rudolph.

May we never stop looking be it for gold, silver, or that friend that seems to think they are a misfit and just don't belong and may we never ever fall in the trap that because we are different or have a defect based on the world that we don't belong or matter.The ones that was labeled misfits were never misfits they was some of the best toys a kid could have ever gotten.

The truth is...

Recently I had a memory come to mind of something that I heard repetitively at concert I went to a few years ago. You ever have those moments of you repeatedly see/hear a quote, verse, a theme of some sort and it finally gets to the point this isn't a coincidence what am I supposed to be getting from this. Back on that day and recently it in short  kept being brought up about tearing the walls down around your heart to let people and to let God in, just to be you. And that came to mind so vividly recently and I thought oh God am I trying to build the walls back up again or is there a part that I've not thrown away or is it a fear. I believe it was fear because just like while driving when I got to doing some soul searching if you will this time the light hit the shadows to expose the lies. I know someone and I've always said they've lied to themselves so much that they believe what they say and remember as truth. Sometimes that's done to live with the guilt, sometimes it's done unknowingly and it starts out even as a protection mode. Let me see if I can explain it and end up being a lot vulnerable to expose some of my truths or so I thought they were, maybe we'll find out we're not alone in these lies we for to long believed as truth. (Honest disclaimer I'm panicking and not even writing the truths yet, oh how I don't like to be this vulnerable and exposed and I will barely scrape the surface)

The truth is I'm not perfect. Simple enough truth right? No one is perfect - not even those that act like they are. The lie I for so long believed was I have to be perfect for people to love me, for people to not leave. I had to say the right thing or they'd be gone again and I don't know when I'd hear from them and it had to be my fault I let a little something slip of how I really felt of something that had happened. Well anyway, you get the point. That all was a lie. The truth is all that did was have me walking on egg shells and I've never been nor will I ever be perfect. I've got traits and habits that will annoy the daylights out of people, plenty that annoy myself. People are going to leave and it's not my fault. Most people are leaves or branches in our lives they may be there for a short time or some many years and then you have the roots those awesome people that God knits in your life that are your tribe. I just need to be myself because those that are meant to will love me faults and all - now that's not giving me a pass to be a jerk but those people know you, me us all are or should be always a work in progress finding out new things about ourselves getting rid of learned traits and habits. There is such a freedom in not searching for that perfect picture (with the filter added just in case) but in those moments and especially with your tribe that you can just be real and yourself. Those moments you can share that picture with and have the inside jokes and just enjoy the moments with them.

The truth is I'm worthy - of love, happiness, joy - to receive and to give. I have probably caused a lot of unintentional hurt and got called some names because I built a wall that I would only let you in so far you tried to get further sorry got to shut that down because you come that close then you'll leave and that's a hurt I can't and don't know how to deal with and don't want to anymore. That was the lie to keep me from being loved and giving the love that I felt for others and it made me feel guilty for being happy and laughing and enjoying life. But the truth is laughter really is the best medicine and I like my obnoxious laugh/snort - not enough people have heard it. The truth is there is a freedom in being loved and loving back and in the moments of joy and happiness.

The truth is the past is in the past for a reason, don't live there. It didn't really have much for me while I was there so why visit it especially the not so good moments. Oh sure sometimes we got to look back to see how far we've made it and visit with those good memories. But the hurts, the people that caused those hurts, the walls - all that's in the past. If I live in those moments I'm giving control to the hurts and to those people to others and that's not a life, not much of an existence. So I'll hold on to and cherish any good memory I may have but I'm living in the now and going to make memories and spend time with the ones that are here for me and in my life and enjoy the moments I have with them and the adventures I get to have.

The truth is I'll have a bad day and slip into those lies. I recently heard Mariska Hargitay give an interview and in it she said in her twenties she felt herself having emotions and thoughts and such pertaining to the death of her mom and she had a really again kind of moment and she went to therapy and said we're taking care of this. First she is an amazing person and talented actress but I respected that honest moment she shared. Some days it may get bad but thankfully I can generally catch when I was walking and not paying attention and am now face to face with that lie. Used to I think I'd just let it take me by the hand and lead me further away but nowadays I do so much better at spotting them sometimes far enough ahead that I can avoid that route but when I come face to face I don't let it take my hand and I sometimes with a shaking voice speak the truth to destroy it and sometimes I don't even listen and keep walking forward. There have been moments where I feel myself trying to push away and that little lie tries to whisper it's ugliness. I've learned that they rear their ugly head when I'm closest to a victory and they get scared. The lies don't want me to see who I really am and what all I can and am going to do. The lies aren't going to stop me. They may trip me I won't say that but they won't stop me. A bad day or a mistake doesn't mean I'm over with I'm a failure or I'll never make and please never ever believe that lie cause that's what it is. A bad day is just that a bad day, a moment - let me refer you back to the you're not perfect truth.

The truth is I'm going to make it - the truth is I have already made it so far and I'm going to keep going forward. The lies said I'd never, ever be where I am now or have the people in my life that I do. The lies was afraid and didn't want me to get this far so they did whatever they could to keep me in the pit but thank God I made it to the palace.

There are more truths and maybe I'll mention them another time but I want to end with the one that may mean the most to me because it includes people that mean so very much to me.

The truth is I don't have to do this alone and I'm not.  First I very much need to thank God for getting me to this point and not giving up on me. I thank God for saving me (my soul yes but my life too because I was in a very bad place) and I thank God for the people that He has knit in my life so I don't have to do this alone (yes I know God is always with me and I'm thankful for that). The journey to get to where I am now has been a long one and not easy - I will never wish or say I want to go back - but if it took that journey to meet the people that are in my life now then it was worth it. There are a few they are my tribe, they are my family that God bless them they saw something in me and that I was worth their time and to have in their life that they had patience but also pushed through those walls and doors. They sit with me, they take the time to explain things to me to help me navigate, they're right there with me to face things, they laugh with me, they spend time with me. they love me enough to correct me and they love me flaws and all. To each of you I most sincerely thank you for making my life better because it truly has become better with you all in it and I hope each of you know how grateful I am for you and that I love you all.

So the truth is none of us have it completely together every day and that's okay.

Family (or a better title that will make you want to read this)

I recently heard someone say something along the lines of we don't know what season someone is in and in this life we will go through many seasons. They say that you are in one of three places getting ready to go through a storm, in a storm or getting out of  a storm. Then there is me and I don't know where I am but I know it's time to put off writing this post wherever it leads to.

I recently heard a story of a man in Wisconsin that passed away and unbeknownst to the people in his community he had a small fortune (half a million to be exact) and he didn't have a wife or children so in his will he had it that the money was to be equally divided between those that attended his funeral. There was a total of 270 people that showed up and signed that little book and pay their last (or maybe first) respect to this gentleman. They had no idea by signing that paper they was going to end up just a little over 1,800 dollars richer. They didn't care. They said that the man had a list of how he wanted to live his life and on it was a life that God would be pleased with and to have true friends to be less lonely. Some of the people described him as a loner. I sometimes think we misuse that word but I may get into that later. I think that was a man that I would have liked to have called friend and no not cause he had a half a million dollars but because in a little over two minute segment I learned a lot from this man and the people that showed up one last time for him. How many times any of those 270 people was there for this gentleman in the years they were acquainted and how many times he was there for them I don't know. He owned a dry cleaning business so who knows maybe just a simple hello from him when someone brought something in when they was having the Monday-est Monday in the history of Mondays helped someone and they never forgot that. Here's what I do know there's not a price we can put on what it means to someone to be there for them, to show a little kindness, to let them know in this jacked up, hectic, sometimes downright mean world we live in you know what I see you, you're not alone, here let me help you carry this heavy bag of worry, hurt, fear, doubt, loneliness....my goodness can I just have a sidestep to that to live in a world full of so many ways to talk to people or have interactions with people we are living in a lonely time. Y'all can we please just take a minute - you can even literally make it just a minute - to reach out to someone today. If you're able to see whoever comes to mind then throw in a hug too would you? I was reading an excerpt from a devotional the other day on hugs and touch and how in America they watched people for an hour to see how many times the people touched each other - it was 2 times there was other countries that they touch over 100 times. Now I know you need to respect people and there are various things to consider in just those moments of having an oh did you know moment and touching their arm or me when I get extremely tickled about something and hit you on the arm. But I also know the importance of touch and hugs. There's something about that that lets you know that you're seen, you're not alone. I've been sitting by my mom before and in my own little world and she'd pat me on the leg or back and that little gesture meant a lot which I guess may sound weird or dumb and you're thinking well it's your mom you've had that your whole life - I've had it for the years that God chose her as my family and put her in my life but growing up no didn't really have that not a lot. And here would be a good moment to go on to my second thought for this post

Family is important - very important- there's no denying that. There's two things that I think people don't like to talk about and may not even agree with if you don't that's okay. That's that your given family can be toxic and that you can have a chosen family. Growing up or even in adulthood you've probably had someone say so and so isn't a very good friend, they're toxic you need to stay away from them. Family can be toxic too. So if you have to limit your time around a person that cause of a family tree has a label of mom, dad, brother, sister, etc and  someone says but that's your family please don't let that condemn you. Some people we have to love from a distance and/or limited time and sometimes those people are our given family. Don't go back or stay around someone that's toxic because someone that may not even know all or part of the story says well that's your family and please if that family has done something to you and you know you've forgiven them and you know you got to limit or are waiting on the right time to even remotely let them back in your life don't let that lie of you've not forgiven them or you'd have them in your life trip you up. You can forgive and not have them constantly in your life or at all. I don't understand it that if it's a friend we don't even say anything we usually just say well sometimes we outgrow people or nothing at all we don't even question if you've really forgiven them. My own personal opinion but family can be toxic and you can forgive and love and still limit the time you are around them.

Now before I get to that second part of family - our chosen family - let me have a little side stop. Don't let the toxic family or things that happened keep you in a story that was only meant to be a chapter. I spent well over half of my life living a story and being stuck in a story that was only a chapter. Trust me I am not taking away or making light that those chapters are hard, difficult and can about take you out of this world or make you want out. I won't even say it's easy to get out of the chapters or that those memories, fears, people won't try to take you back to those chapters because there is going to be people in your life that don't want you to see your story through to see what an awesome story you have to fulfill. Again sometimes that's given family and sometimes it's friends. Don't let an event or person write your story when it's only meant to be a chapter. Sure things are going to happen and you're going to change, you're going to grow and you're going to move forward - you're not staying in that pit.In grief they say there is a you before and after the heart wrenching see you later we have to tell our loved ones. I agree and in many ways you may never fully get back to the you before. That's okay. But you will become you again you will just move on to a different you. You'll still laugh, have joy and make great memories granted it's a chapter and new chapters that you don't ever want to have to go through but you'll always carry those loved ones with you. many things in life are like that there's a before and after. Sometimes when bad things happen we're afraid to move on or don't know how and we even feel guilty. The next chapter may not be one we wanted to face yet or it may not be written when or how we had envisioned but baby you got a story to tell and you got some awesome things left to do in your story. You ain't in that pit anymore and you are moving forward and I can't wait to see what all your story has in story. I'm rooting for you.

Now our chosen family. Many of us didn't/don't have a mother or father figure, didn't have a sibling or don't have a relationship with yours, or maybe you don't have a given child but longed to have one. Many of us long for that we want a mom that will be our best friend a dad that we can go fishing with or a sibling we can have inside jokes with and go do something silly to get into or a child to love and help grow and see the world from their view. I specifically remember asking God would I ever have a mom, a motherly influence. See when I'd think/hope and even finally get the nerve to pray about it in my head I would hear why would anyone want you to call them mom and see you as their daughter. But the last time I asked God about it with those lies still loud in my mind I asked God will I ever know is there someone, I don't know how you have it written with my given family and I don't know but if there's even anyone that would be okay with me seeing them as my mom if they'd be okay seeing me as their daughter but God if it's not meant to be however you have it written can you take this ache and want away especially if it's not meant for me to have a mom figure. With that way to much insight into my story being said I've met people over the last fourteen years that have truly become family I call them my chosen family because I truly believe God put them in my life and gave them to me to be my family and I probably don't tell them near enough but I hope they know how much I appreciate them and how thankful I am to call them family and they let me intrude on their life. I had to wait a long time to meet my chosen family but I'm thankful that I have them now and I'll forever call them family. Some people can be in our lives for all of our life and they may have a title but there are some that you meet in what seems like a just so happens scenario and you hope that's not the last time you see them because they have already made such an impact on your life. If I named people I could specifically name four people that God just dropped in my life all right when I needed them and was even questioning God will I have this kind of person in my life and it took me awhile to accept that I was allowed this and they do want me in their life and their not going anywhere and their perfectly okay that I call them my family. Sometimes people come into our lives as friends but they become so much more they become a sister, mom, pop - they become our chosen family and I thank God for them.

So in closing don't wait until your signing your name in one of those books to let people know what they mean, to just be there for them and however you got the family you have and though it may have taken a long time to have them in your life let's not get to busy trying to make the perfect post to get the likes, hearts and laughs on social media that we forget to give the hugs, laughs and time to those in our life.

Battle Cry

This is a post I will want to delete as soon as I share it because it is going to make me feel vulnerable and probably repetitive! Let's get this over with.

I've been in a battle - spiritual, mental I don't know what label  it would have but it's been a battle. Earlier this week I was driving in my car, crying trying to pray but to be honest I just felt like it wasn't getting no where close to God's ear and I said out loud it would just be easier if it was all over and I knew then just how bad this battle had gotten and I had to fight come hell or high water I had to fight like my life depended on it cause it very well may have. Oh this isn't a post to give you five points of say this, read this and it's all good. Nope just a post of a quiet girl that still doesn't have very much figured out but will hold on for dear life to the truths I know and have learned and continue to learn some days are just hard sometimes the a-ha! moment doesn't show up when I need or want it to or how - we don't really talk much about that do we. See all my life I lived in my head in my own little world it was safer there and I thought for things to get better and safer for me to be able to tear the walls down and put some doors in to let people inside it could never be because of what was needed and what I wanted just didn't seem likely to ever happen but if I'm honest I was wrong on all accounts and the answer sure didn't show up how I thought it would. Can I say we're quick to tell people to not be like anyone else or worry about what others think and I agree but I at least am one that I must let go and quit holding on to these preconceived ideas of this is how certain things should work out and if not well there's something wrong with me or well this will never happen because it wasn't said or done just like this. Careful my friend I think a wall was just trying to be built back up and we're not going backwards but only forward. Now let me get to some good things yes even the kick I gave myself because sometimes listen kicks aren't fun getting your toes stepped in hurts a little but they move us forward or should - I mean you can sit there and sulk and throw you a pity party if you want to but I'll limp with the pain and move forward thankful I am loved enough to be told enough, or you're wrong, it's time to get out of your comfort zone.

So here's a few thoughts I had I'm not even sure it goes with any of this.

I recently had to go somewhere and the person gave me directions. Well I missed the turn time and time again. Finally I pulled in a parking lot and said I am not dumb I may not be smart but I know I can find this. If I would quit focusing on the voice that says I'm going to mess up so much that I miss half of the directions and focus on the person giving the directions I may not miss the turn. To me that's like life it's even like how I see myself. I mean first I miss out or have missed out on so much because of those good pals fear and doubt fear tells me I'll make the wrong turn be it driving or the wrong turn in a decision in life or even in something as simple as a conversation and doubt is right there saying you aren't going to make it I doubt they even care or listened, I doubt that anyone will read this and if they do they'll talk about you (fear had to add it's two cents in), etc. But you see there's another voice that says I will mess up but it's okay because I still matter, I'm still worthy and oh yeah I still very much am an overcomer. If I focus on the truth on the voice giving me the directions fear and doubt will show up to try to knock me down but if I hold on to the truth if I get back up or just pull into a parking lot and say wait a minute this is taking me the wrong/long way stop, let's get it together I can make this I will win and I am not giving up.

Now second thought this one is funny and just hit me. So I have curly hair if you don't know me and there's a science to taming the beast or trying to. I washed my hair and was waiting on that perfect time for it to not be to wet or to dry to put the fixings on it to tame the beast. Y'all I got sidetracked like I so often do and didn't put anything on it. I wouldn't tell this except I went out to eat with some family and didn't think nothing of it the whole time until I got back and was like oh my word I did nothing to my hair I bet it looks awful - by some miracle it didn't. But in my weird way of putting pieces of puzzles together in my head it reminded me how to often we put on masks - I have to wear this mask for this person or they will leave or they will see me get frustrate or see me vulnerable can't have that wear the mask...tonight I didn't put anything on my hair but I didn't wear a mask either. There was no worry of oh no my hair isn't what it is supposed to be, and there wasn't even no mask of oh no don't say this or that. I don't know about my hair but myself realized the freedom there is of no masks. I was me, my quiet annoying self and it was great and guess what they still love me.

The third thing also deals with the dinner with my family. If I go out to eat with you and I think you're going to pay I am going to tell a secret that's not really a secret on myself - I'll never get what I want I will get the cheapest thing because I don't want people to spend their money on me, spend it on you (lots of lessons I'm learning on that, one being be it food, time or another gift I don't want to knock anyone out of their blessing to do something for me just as I don't want people to tell me or not let me help them or take them out to eat or whatever is on my heart to do). So in thinking they may actually let me pay - to be fair I asked all along to let me pay I wanted to do that for them - they never answered so I was fairly certain I'd have to figure out a way to get the ticket/check before they did when the server brought it - but point, if there is one is that they saw something that I liked and said now we know if you order something else what you're doing basically. Again weird roundabout way to get to this but if I wear a mask or if I don't tell my story or shorten the answer to something as simple as what's you're favorite (insert what you like here) because I'm afraid I may get excited and ramble to long or laugh to loud or whatever. I'm giving them the chicken fingers platter when I want the ribs or steak or whatever - anything but the chicken. 


So whatever battle you may be facing please hold on and I am so glad you are still here and am proud of the fighter you are first and foremost. This week I've learned a lot, cried  possibly enough to end the drought but I won a lot and I lost too - and oh how glad I am that I lost. Yes I'm glad I lost a battle because I lost things that were just a hindrance, lost some fears and doubts and silly ideas of how things had to be and if they wasn't that meant I wasn't winning or moving forward but I won laughter and freedom and joy. Sometimes our battle cry may not be loud but shout it anyway because it may be the one to knock that stronghold down for the count and give you that victory.

Watch Your Step

Let's not waste to much time with an oh this may be a good post opening paragraph to get you to maybe keep reading. You got your water, maybe some snacks and a map

Watch your step.

Last weekend I went walking on a trail I'd never been on and it was rated as moderately difficult. To be honest I know my limits but also have not so good confidence in myself so generally I automatically avoid moderate or higher rated trails. Although one should never really do that because you then automatically limit yourself and never get to grow, never get stronger, miss out on seeing some amazing views, and never really get a change of view cause your stuck on the same trails and same views - or the same lies and the same fears and you don't get where you are most definitely able and meant to be at.

Watch your step.

I'm walking it starts out not so bad. Then I get to the top of one trail and I could go back the same way I came or according to the map on my app I can make a loop and not have to repeat a whole lot of what I just walked. So I keep walking forward. Get to another intersection and if I went straight it said it would be 2.5 miles to the road whereas the other way was 3 so I think I'll keep going straight save a little length in what I have to walk. I get down this hill and something keeps telling me this isn't right. So I finally look at the map again (I know would have been smart to do that first but I wouldn't have my fantastic point to make if you give me just a minute) I then realize I can get to my car if I keep going but it will take me way longer than 2 miles to get to it and I should have went to the one that was 3 miles to the road. So I go back up the hill to the intersection and get on the trail I should have taken. All the while I've been tripping on roots, having to stop, trying to force myself to keep going, questioning why I decided on this trail, questioning could I make it, and drinking lots of water to the point of being on my last bottle by the time I get to the car. Ready to hear the rambling thought I got and until now only shared with one person from walking this trail.

Watch your step

Trails remind me a lot of trials in life. One could argue the only difference is you step out knowing your going on a trail sometimes we wake up in the morning not knowing we may be about to step into one of the most difficult trails we've had to face or perhaps one of the most rewarding or perhaps both if we just don't give up walking the trail.

I'm just naturally a clumsy person. I will walk into stuff and trip over roots even when I see them and try to step over but to be honest many times I don't even see them. And to be honest when walking on the trail at some point I was just so tired I didn't see them but had I I'm not sure I would've had it in me to go ahead and pick up my foot to miss the root. Trials are like that sometimes. They either trip us up before we see them or sometimes we've been in one so long we're so tired we just can't quite get over this root that's trying to trip us up.

The elevation changed quite a bit on this trail so you'd have to go up a hill level out go down a hill back up a hill so on and so forth. Also like a trial in life sometimes it feels like it's more up hill than not. When I had to go back to get on the trail I should have taken I hadn't seen anyone in awhile and I finally saw two women and a man. One of the women asked if they was getting close to the intersection and I said oh yeah I just go on this trail not far back at all. I'm a slow walker so I know it's a joke that you always tell people oh you're almost there even when they could be far, far away. I promise if you meet me on a trail and I say I just got on the trail I did I don't make progress very fast and that's in life and on the trail. So I asked them I said how rough is this trail. The man answered and said oh it's pretty rough but once you get on the other side it's not to bad. I never reached the other side he was talking about! First I appreciate that mans honesty cause if I'm honest had he said it was easy not far on that trail my state would have been I wish I was in as good a shape that man was in to say this was easy and quite possibly calling him a liar such as it was I several times said I appreciate your honesty sir and am I getting close to this other side.

Trials in life are like that part in that sometimes we meet people on our trials and I think they are there to remind us how far we got to go, how rough it may be or just for little moment of time to not feel alone.

On this really rough part of the trail I was about to give up giving myself down the road and I also according to the map should be getting close to the meeting of the trail I started on but the trail was getting harder and almost seemed to disappear and thus I was getting afraid I was lost. I knew I couldn't turn around and go back the way I had come I didn't have it in me to make it that way, I didn't even want to go back to where I had been. I knew I needed to trust myself and calm down that I wasn't really lost I just needed to have a little confidence in myself. And I needed to sit and rest. At least once in trying to get up one of those never ending hills y'all I got out of breath cause I am out of shape! So I tried to make myself going to get to the top of the hill and made it a few times and some times I just had to stop because wearing myself out and essentially hurting myself to beat some unimaginable time frame wasn't doing myself any good.

Ultimately I realized I wasn't lost that was the fear talking and I made it to the trail I had originally started on and there was a tree and I sit there leaned against that tree as others walked on by and my little timer on my app kept on ticking by.

Trials in life are like that we think we have to get through a trial by a certain time or we've failed or we're a failure as we see people walking on by completing there trial. Not true my friend. Just like there is no time frame on grieving the lost of a loved on there is no time frame on getting through a trial. Some no doubt talked about me sitting there at that tree. Some will talk about you for the times you sit or the time you take to get through a trial. Let them talk but don't you dare listen to what they say in those moments because you know what I've learned sometimes I get my answer in the sitting not the walking and sometimes I get to meet the best people in the sitting and honestly I know they've helped me but just maybe we've helped each other. In the sitting I caught my breath but I also go to catch a view or two.

Because you see I think we're afraid to stop thinking we'll take to long or miss something or be seen taking a break and be talked about. Here's something else I think - see in that walk I made the statement it's a good thing I"m by myself or I'd slow people down. See even in trials we're afraid to accept help because we will slow someone down or will be a bother. Can I tell you something that hit me hard when I got to the car and I was sharing this part with someone. Be it walking on a trail or in a trial in life if someone comes in your path and they offer to help can I challenge myself and you to not say oh no I'll just slow you down you go on but instead say okay. Listen I know that's going to be hard for me I'm used to doing stuff on my own be it walking a trail or a trial in life. It's what I've had to do most of my life for various circumstances to the point that in life I got to the point I have said I won't let no one I'm not letting someone say I wouldn't have this or made it if they hadn't sacrificed their time or done this and hold it over me and the times I did try to ask for help I was met with broken promises and by myself. So please understand I know how hard this is. But there have been a few times that there are people that have shown me they will walk this with me. Now I understand we got to walk it and do our part but we don't have to walk it alone all the way. So if someone asks to walk with you don't say no it will just slow you down because who are we to say that that slow down isn't exactly what that person needs maybe they need to slow down and take in the view themselves and maybe in that slow down you all will build a friendship that you didn't even know you needed. We're in  to big of a hurry to say no I'm fine when sometimes we just need to sit with that person and find out we're not fine and that's okay and to share encouragement or you know what sometimes even a kick to say hey time to get up it's time you see the view that has evaded you for long enough.

Watch your step

In short don't get in such a hurry of getting through a trial at a certain time frame or beat your self up for the things you trip over on your trial. A shortcut to save you some time doesn't always mean it's the right turn. The hills aren't easy nor fun to climb. You're going to get tired, hurt, dirty and might be on your last bottle of water when you get to the car or end of your trial. Don't be afraid to take a turn or the long way. Don't forget to stop to catch your breath and to just take in the view of that pretty flower or oddly shaped rock. Accept help when you need it and give that help forward every chance you can. Don't let fear stop you. And even if you get lost just turn around and get back where you know you can get your footing back or just stop and check every lie and fear that is coming at you to make sure did I mess up or is this a trick to make me go back to the old ways.

Watch your step but you take that step and always enjoy the view and the time you have with those that are on the trial with you (and those that are testing you and not helping keep walking forward in the end you'll have distance from them and see it was all worth the view)

I can see clearly now (that I'm terrible with titles!)

 Insert the most perfectly imperfect opening sentence here to grab your attention and make you want to continue reading...oh my friend have I got some ramblings to write about today if you got the patience and time to read this (if not skip to where you see me talking about glasses and sight just look for this *). I watched that cursor blink for quite some time then I wrote a paragraph and then I deleted it. It was then I heard something someone said to me just yesterday in fact. I always say I can't talk where people can hear me and to a degree that may always be true but when I said that I can't talk where I can be heard I was thankfully called out. I was told something along the lines of yes you can when you don't think about it. I automatically think anything and everything I say won't be heard, or I'll get excited and talk 'loud' and ramble on and be a bother, etc (and trust me this list goes on and on) and as I was staring at that cursor I realized I was doing the same thing. I can't write...yes you can when you don't think about it. Don't worry about the perfect opening sentence or paragraph. Just write it. So if you're still reading I'm going to just write my perfectly imperfect just maybe loud enough for you to hear it rambling thought.

In part of a conversation I heard that I'm still not sure if I wasn't supposed to say part of what I'm about to write or not but I'm going to write some thoughts that just won't leave me alone and perhaps I just need the reminder or maybe someone that reads this needs it. Two parts that keep coming to mind that was asked/said during this conversation was I just don't understand and Do you have any....

The first one I have absolutely no problem with I say I don't understand a lot and there are somethings that I just don't think it's time for me to understand, some I'm just not ever going to be smart enough to understand and somethings I'll just never understand. All of those are okay and in my own opinion I don't think God gets mad at me for going to Him and saying God I don't understand but I'm not going to end with that because though I don't understand and may never I want to ask and know what can I learn from this, how can I grow, how can I help others, how can I just rest in the unknown and not understanding.

The second one I have a smidgen problem with because if you aren't careful you become like Job's friends. His friends started off well they came and set with and was there with their friend. Then the started talking. Not a problem there at all. The problem was with what they said. They did the do you have any question...what did you do Job, what sin have you committed, what have you not repented of, etc. They intentionally or not added to Job's burden and trials. Not one time did they say Job can I pray for you...can I got to the market and get you something for these health ailments you got going on....can I take you somewhere to run an errand....can clean up your campsite...can I take you to my house to rest for a bit. No they just said do you have any....what did you do. Now there may be times you should ask someone this but don't let that be the only thing you say...here's my thinking and I may be wrong but don't say do you have any if you ain't going to say can I pray for you or can I sit with you during this.

*So even though I don't understand I believe I had a random thought that I think God used to show me something and maybe it was just for me or maybe I need to share it or at least write it on here to remind myself one more time. If you don't know me I have to wear glasses - I have terrible eyesight. If you saw me with my glasses you'd know that and you would think oh well she can see just fine now - not always the case though is it. Sometimes even with my glasses I have trouble reading a sign or something. Now if you know me and see me without my glasses you know I can't see but you don't know how little that I can't see. Sometimes that's the way it is in our trials and storms I can sometimes see and know you're in a trial but not how bad and sometimes I can't see at all that you're in a storm and not able to see....God upped this little thought because I then had this moment of just seeing if you will myself in a moment of where I desperately needed my glasses to see to do what I thought God wanted me to do but I had a moment of take your glasses off and sit them down....no I can't do that God I need them to see, how will I find my way....take the glasses off and look. So in this little thought I did, I take my glasses off and it's so blurry and I think okay now what I can't see God. Yes you can just look. I am God...no you're not. You think you need those glasses to get the answer to see the answer clearly but you're looking with the wrong set of eyes. See my glasses are my eyes or so I thought but in this moment of blurriness I did see I actually saw some stuff more clear than I have in a long time. Because in a particular situation specifically I've never given up that God is going to heal this person and I know that God sent them in my life to be my family (and I waited 24 years for God to decide it was time for them to be in my life and now that they've been in my life for four years well over half of that has been me seeing them have health problems and deal with pain and frustrations that I can't even begin to imagine but also faith that has helped me in my own walk). So if it was about this particular situation or lots of something elses or nothing at all. I do know one thing in that moment I realized that in my I don't understand moments of life I can't look with my glasses on but instead take them off and just look....remember what God has told me, what He has shown me time and time again, what He has promised (in His Word and what I believe He sometimes personally gives us) and in that moment do you see it now.....yeah I can see it now

 Sometimes we have to do a something that doesn't make very much sense and often times is just down right nerve wrecking. Sometimes we have to spend a longer time in the I don't understand season then we want to. More times than not we just need to speak even if they may not hear us and take our glasses off so we can truly see what's going on (no you won't see me taking my glasses off trying to drive or anything!) but to really see what's going on and how far we have made it in a certain situation or that the person we're praying for is going to be okay may not know when their season will be over of the trial/storm they're in but they're going to win and be okay.

So please never be afraid to say something even if it may be to loud cause you got excited or you had to repeat it cause it wasn't heard and don't always think you are seeing an outcome clearly because you have your 'glasses' on sometimes we need to take them off and not go by feelings, or what things look like, or an outcome others have had (especially if it was bad cause that can and will be used against you). And never, ever be afraid to say can I sit with you while you're going through this, are you okay, can I pray for you and/or can I do anything to help to lighten the load (and give some examples if something is on your heart especially even if the person is stubborn and you think there's no way they will let me help them - ask anyway and if it's praying well pray for them all the time they don't have to know but sometimes I think it gets put on our hearts to go and actually pray with the person too)


I guess that's all I got to say about that.



To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

                                                                                    Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

 

Girl Going Nowhere

Hello old friend, how have you been? It's been way to long. I have so many things to say yet nothing at all and I have no idea where to start at. It's funny cause I've written this and more posts in my head countless times since the last time we got to visit but I guess fear and doubt and over thinking has stopped me from writing these words. The lovely statement I'll write it tomorrow turned into so many months of not saying anything.

Can I tell you a secret? I'm getting my song back. I suppose that's part of life isn't it - some days you sing, some days you listen and some days you just keep searching for that song unsure if you're going to find it again. Courage, dear heart - you will find the song.

This past week - on August 12th to be exact - I was looking at my memories on Facebook and on that day I was stranded in Glendive Montana all by myself well over one thousand miles away from the people I care about and especially the ones that have a way to calm me down when I have my freak out moments and I will believe when they say it's going to be okay. Y'all have those people that if so and so says it's going to be okay it must going to be even if I still don't see how. Well on that day last year I went walking in well over 100 degree weather and I happened to find a feather. Fast forward to the same day this year and I went walking. Where? I'm so glad you asked. I was in one of the places I was trying to get to on that fateful trip last year and to a place I had about given up on ever making it to. On this day I was walking a trail and probably about halfway of the whole way I walked on this trail I looked down and I found a feather. A few days later I was on another trail and I found another feather. Is there anything to finding the feathers on any of the times I have ever found - I don't know but it's always felt like a little hug from God when I find them, an it's okay my child I'm here and will always be. Silly? Probably but just maybe not.

I was recently having a conversation with Mama J (y'all know I don't write names) and first do you all just have those people in your life that you just know God placed them in there (here would be a good place to just let me say thank you God for Mama J, Mom and Pop - and if you all happen to read this thank you all so very much for putting up with me you all have no idea how grateful I am to have you all in my life)....but in this conversation we got talking about life and such and I made the statement of how I finally feel like I'm actually living and becoming who I was meant to be. In case you didn't know I turned 35 since we last visited and to be honest with you I never thought I'd make it to say that. Growing up I lived in my head a lot because I had a bit of control of how things were in there and I could be myself and just have the people in my life I always hoped to have but never really thought I would. Thank God for healing and working on me and for sending people in my life that are my family - not like family but honest to goodness I will forever call them and see them as my family. Our stories are never written in the sequence or way we hope or have it figured in our head (if yours was God bless you that's awesome and I'm truly happy for you). But what I've discovered is that how my story has went so far isn't all bad because things that I went through I'll get to use and help someone else and it all led me to people like the ones I've mentioned and for that it was all worth it. My story obviously started when I was born and have I had some chapters in between there - some I'd rather not remember and some I probably never will remember because I've got it blocked so much some I still have trouble sharing and then there's the last week of my 30th chapter to now that have for sure still had it's ups and downs but it has led me to healing, going places I never thought possible, laughing and learning to open up and be myself with people and so much more. You know what I'm learning - the chapters may be in different sequence some names and situations may be different but at the core of our stories we have so very much in common we just got to find our tribe to share the story with. And never, ever think you're story doesn't matter or need to be shared I promise there is someone (or more) waiting to hear your story.

I don't know about you but I'm ready to write some more in my story and find a song or two to sing. It has been lovely catching up we must do this again real soon I feel like I left a whole lot out that I meant to write.

It's nice to be in a place in my story to be able to say not bad for a girl going nowhere*


*based on the song Girl Going Nowhere by Ashley McBryde