Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is the day that has been designated for us take the time and be thankful and carry on traditions that have been passed down and create some new ones. I guess it was started to be thankful for the years harvest but it seems to have expanded now. I figured this would be a good time and post to express what I'm thankful for since I tend to get busy and don't always appreciate or realize how much I have to be thankful for. Therefore here are just a few of the things I'm grateful to have in my life:

• Family - we may not see each other that often but I love them and would do anything for them
• Friends - my list of true friends may not be long compared to others but I am grateful for my friends that are there for me even when I try to push them away. 
• Home- so many don't know where they will lay down at night so I don't ever want to take a warm home and comfortable bed to sleep in for granted
• Food - I'm fortunate to not have to worry about when or where my next meal may come from, again I don't ever want to take that for granted. 
• Books - it may be a strange thing to put on a list, but I'm thankful to enjoy reading and to be able to read anything I want, when I want. 
• Faith - perhaps this should have been placed first on my list, but either way I'm thankful to live in a country where I can go to church and read the bible and not fear being punished for it.

There are many other things I could add and specific people I could thank for so much that they have done but this gets the basic point made. Whatever you do or don't do for this holiday may we always remember to be thankful everyday for what we have. There are people out there that would give anything to have some of the simplest things that we have but so easily can take for granted. I know it's something that I need to work on doing myself.

Growing Pains

Two things are not a secret about me, I don't like change and in roughly five months I'll turn thirty. Of those two one I have absolutely no control over but the other one I can control no matter what I may think and try to tell myself. I think the worst, yet most rewarding growing pain is proving to be the emotional maturing part. Have you ever thought and even fought with yourself about a certain trait you have or feeling you've been dealing with and suddenly there are literally signs everywhere about it? For example, I know I worry a lot and try as I might not to it still charges at me and knocks me down quite often. Suddenly I have honest to God seen signs about how you shouldn't be worrying everywhere. One was while in a store and I saw a cup that said something like stop worrying and pray about it but DO NOT QUIT. Hopefully no one was around cause that made me chuckle and I thought, okay I get it, I got to quit over thinking and worrying. The big one that I desperately want to change and work on is all of these walls I've built up. On the way home from visiting a friend the light bulb finally got fixed and came back on and I realized a few things. My reason for the wall is mostly to keep people at a distance so I don't get close, only problem is that even with that wall there are a few people that I've still gotten close to and I think the world of them. Therefore, for those that have more than passed the test that they are true friends and are going to stick around I want to walk out from behind the wall and be myself around them. My fear is when I do that they'll be gone (said like Tim Conway does as Brashly in the Went With The Wind skit)...now that I got that squirrel moment out of the way, even with that fear I don't want to have to live with the regret that I missed out on some good talks, laughs and being close to those few because I'm worried about things that most likely would never happen if I did just be me. I can't change the fact that people come and go out of my life, there is after all a reason for that, and no amount of hiding will help people stay longer or even leave sooner. The thing that bothers me to no end is in my head I can have a normal conversation and say what I want but as soon as I open my mouth 'POOF' it disappears. It cannot be normal to get so nervous about going and seeing people either and it's not even because I don't want to visit them, in fact it's worse with the people I do want to go visit. Anyway these are some conclusions I recently came to, some of them only being the hundreth time I have came to this conclusion but one day it'll stick. Instead of freaking out about turning 30 I'm going to be grateful and focus on being a better friend and person by being more open and myself. I think there is a saying that you got to love yourself before you can love anyone else so that would be a good place to start. I hope my friends continue to have patience with me and I'm doing the right thing by tearing some more of these layers of walls down. I can finally admit this type of behavior is greatly hindering me and I want to fix it and change. I want to sit down with my friends and actually talk out loud not leave and regret not saying what i wanted to. I don't even mind if I stay quiet, shy, backwards, whatever you want to call it because that is part of who I am but I don't want to reach a newer level in that quiet shyness that doesn't hold me back as much. This concludes this fairly decent pep talk now I must go and put these words to action. It's easy to point out what needs to be fixed and write about it or even talk about it but the next step is the hardest yet most important. I write that but secretly (not so much a secret now I suppose) I'm scared out of my wits and wonder if this is the right step but obviously the way I've been thinking hasn't exactly been working.I think I'm afraid I'll become someone I'm not or maybe the real me isn't that good of a person but I think that's just some safe excuses I've saved up to use to keep me from walking out from behind the wall. I believe this is finally my time to become like the caterpillar that has patiently waited in its cocoon. I know this is going to take a lot of effort and work in which I will no doubt fall many times but it's time to leave the cocoon and see that the caterpillar has transformed into a butterfly.

Life

Back in September I wrote a post about an elderly lady that I went to church with and a visit I had with her. Yesterday I heard where she passed away.  I have no doubt she got the ultimate win and is seeing some amazing things in heaven right now. I have to say it is so odd because I haven't really cried since I found out but I've felt peace and I smile when I think about her. To no ones fault but my own I did only go see her that one time and I do regret that but what a great visit that was. Just like I wrote in September every time since that day I think about her I remember the hug I got from her before leaving. I'm not a fan of hugs but that truly is a hug I'll cherish and remember as long as I live. It's still throwing me how I'm dealing with the news cause it's so out of character for me. I feel bad and pray for peace for her family during this time but when I think of her I, at least right now, can't feel sad cause I know she's not in pain and I don't think we have words in any language to describe what she is seeing and feeling right now. Again, it is odd cause it's not like  this thought hasn't occurred to me about others I've had to say see you in a while but with them I've cried. Maybe this time I'm not being as selfish and I'm thinking more about the person than me. Either way I am truly thankful I did get to go one time and see her before she passed away and I'm glad that I got to meet her and she was a part of my life.

One thing that doesn't change is how I go through these spells of thinking and wondering about life and death especially after someone I know passes away. Life and death is just so strange. I'm not going to lie, I'm afraid of dying, more about how it's going to happen and if it's going to be painful. It never made sense to me when people would say you're young you got plenty of time to do whatever. That must be in their little book of life that I apparently didn't get a copy of but youth is no guarantee of a long life left. My ultimate goal and wish is that however long I live I treat people right and maybe can make some kind of positive impact so that when I do die they can smile when they think about me and hopefully can say and be right when they say I'm in a better place. Life and death, can't have one without the other but if you live right and to you're full potential I think and hope that it makes it a bit easier to face death and of course my faith will make it easier. This has been kind of a morbid post, eh? My bad didn't mean for it to be if it is taken and does sound that way. 

A New Level Of Random

I sometimes really do pay way to much attention to certain details of things that most people probably don't even notice. Even if they do notice I wonder if they are transfixed on it for a long time cause I even tend to do that and get on my little over analyzing, over thinking mindset that causes me to make a lot of unnecessary stops before I get to a destination. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. Perfect example is this past Sunday it was a rainy day and while sitting in church I look at the window (I just can't get rid of that daydreamer in me that has a terrible time paying attention) and I see the raindrops sliding down the window. Suddenly I had multiple rapid thoughts hit me that ranged from: That looks really pretty, It kind of looks like tears, and finally that would be a cool picture.. How can I stare at rain drops sliding down a window for a long time but have a hard time paying attention to someone talking? I find myself constantly having a more difficult time paying attention. As I was watching the rain yesterday I realized how odd it is that the simplest of things can distract me and keep my attention where other things that should hold my attention don't and it's not that I don't want to listen. I really do try and though I may not be the best listener I mostly can avoid that invisible unknown cause that so easily distracts me.

If you have Facebook, I'm fairly certain it's a safe bet that you have seen the latest craze where you get a number and tell that many things about yourself others may not know. I have avoided it like my life depended on it while on Facebook but one night when my brain decided it wanted to keep talking and not let me sleep I thought writing some things down about myself was a good idea, you know just in case I forgot and hit the like button and got a number. As fate would have it I seem to have escaped it but I figured why let the list go to waste so I'll post it on here (that was your warning that you can stop reading now cause it's about to reach a level of boredom some didn't know even existed)

1. I have fear/anxiety of people finding and reading what I've written (including this blog)
2. The only television show I refuse to miss and will watch again the next day on hulu is Castle. The show is awesome with a spectacular and very talented cast and if I have to have a celebrity crush I think I have chosen well with Nathan Fillion!
3. I'd love to meet Carol Burnett and Loretta Lynn
4. I talk to myself...a lot, especially while driving.
5. I also sing a lot, and very badly, while driving
6. I like to draw but not always good at it (see picture at end)
7. The mandolin is my favorite instrument
8. I hate riding in the car without music unless there is someone in the car with me to talk to
9. I want to go back to Ireland. I am very proud of my Irish ancestory
10. I find it very difficult to get close and open up to people
11. I'm more talkative than people seem to think
12. I love to gaze at stars. I have about fell several times while being transfixed on looking at the stars while thinking I can walk at the same time. 
13. I'm not a big fan of hugs - honestly there is only a few people that I don't mind if they come up and hug me. It's weird I know and needless to say you know it's serious when I say I need a hug
14. I love to read and must go to a bookstore every so often. Seriously, it's like someone craving chocolate
15. I get very nervous around a lot of people
16. My dream house is a simple log cabin with a front porch I can sit on spring and summer nights to read
17. I hate being asked when I'm going to get married and/or have children
18. I hate talking on the phone, so some of those calls that went unanswered wasn't just because I had the music to loud and didn't hear the phone. I feel better now that I got that out.
19. I worry I'll never feel like I've accomplished any thing in my life. Basically I just worry a lot
20. I'd go on but if you've read these then you already know more about me than a lot of people do that have known me for years.
    
      Picture I drew/colored one night while bored. This is probably the only thing I've ever drawn that I will say turned out halfway decent.

A Year of Ramblings and Counting

I can't believe it's already been a year since I started a blog and I still don't know what I'm doing (technically not officially until 6 more days but close enough). I'm not sure what surprises me the most that I even started this, I actually write on it regularly, or that I haven't deleted it yet. I guess really all of the above. I don't know why people kept saying I should start a blog, the voice in my head saying that was a ridiculous idea makes perfect sense, but I stepped out of my comfort zone and finally figured why not. Of course not without several failed attempts before I finally got all the way through the set up. There still is no rhyme or reason for this but perhaps that's why I've kept it as long as I have. This is one of those rare cases where it's been easy to do something and not have a clue what I am doing. It's quite easy to type what I want when I'm hiding behind cool fonts and no pressures of people looking at me while I talk, plus it is way easier for me to write instead of talk. Yesterday I found myself having an attention problem and was reading some of my older posts. I honestly kept thinking, I really wrote that because that's actually not that bad and then I found myself going back to try to figure out how I came up with some of those analogies and ideas to write the post to begin with. I don't think I'll ever figure out my thought process but maybe that's good because if I ever figure it out that might ruin what I have and I'll never be able to come up with the things I do. Some things are better left alone and not being able to answer why is a good enough reason/answer. Not to mention it has to mean something that over-thinking, worrier me actually has wrote almost 100 posts in a year (probably more if you count the few I did end up deleting) and been more open and honest in them than I tend to be when I have a conversation with someone...still working on that one. Anyway, I'm glad I've kept it going and even if no one reads it or gets anything out of it I'm proud that I stepped out of my comfort zone and started a blog it's just a bonus if people do read and get something out of it even if it's just one of those 'You do that too?!' moments.

Time...where have you gone?

Time is an unusual thing, it never stops and all to often gives you the answer whether you're ready for it or not and all to often before you even have a chance to ask or think the question. It's like when your young and everyone seems so old and it feels like it's going to take forever to grow. Those days you think time is playing a cruel joke holding the pause button on the remote of life and then you grow up and are begging time to hit the pause button because it's going by so fast and you finally begin to realize how precious time is. Yesterday I got to see an old neighbor (she is elderly but in this case the old is more for she is no longer a neighbor) and I guess this is why I'm on the time thing. That is another example of how you will think or be missing someone and some time later your paths will cross because I hadn't seen her since she had gotten sick and she told her son she wanted to come see me and my dad. It was nice getting to talk to her again. The road I live on, like every thing in life, has changed so much over the years and I miss how it used to be. That's another funny thing about time, when you're in the present all to often you don't enjoy it but after it's been gone for some time you look back and see how good it was and would give just about anything for it to be like that again. Maybe not everything but there is usually at least one thing that makes you pull out the files from the past in your head. This particular neighbor, no matter what all she has done, I will always have to give her credit that she always remembered me on my birthday and would often times send me a card and $5 or something like that. Might not seem like much but it meant a lot and to be honest that is more than a lot of my own family did. Let me add that it wasn't even about the card or money it was the fact that she remembered. We may not be able to stop time or physically go back in time but if we remember to slow down and make memories to carry with us then I think we might have beaten time in the long run.

Random thought but the other day I had the usual conversation started with someone and when they asked how I was I said good. Now as most know this is usually the end of it and you move on but this person looked at me and asked, 'Are you sure?' To them I said yes but in my head I'm thinking, well I was pretty sure until you asked and of course then as I tend to do my mind goes to more reasons then should even be possible to why they asked that. They also brought up a good point how I need to have more confidence in myself and how I can only change that. It's not that I don't know this it's the actual doing that I have problems with. It's an automatic reaction for me to joke and basically put myself down before anyone else can. I honestly sometimes don't even realize I'm doing it until I replay the conversation and do the face palm when I realize I did it again. I did, however, see a picture of myself and although I cringed I still found something positive to say and like about it and trust me that is a huge step for me. As I was told I'm a few years behind on figuring this out, well again I think I've known for some time it's just the actual doing that I get stuck in, but I'll take any small step in the right direction in building confidence in myself.

Title Not Found

If you've ever read very many of my posts you will remember that on several I kept mentioning a story I was writing, rewriting and finally rewriting again. Good news, I finally really did finish it. I have to say for the first major story I've ever really attempted to write it actually turned out decent, at least, I think it's a story that one could read. Not that you wouldn't find things to add or fix while reading, in fact, you may find a lot cause I know I do that  with any thing I ever write. So far I have given a copy of it to two people and by Sunday I should have a total of seven copies given to people. To be honest I think actually given it to someone to read has been the hardest part of all of this. As weird as it sounds it makes me feel very vulnerable to let someone read something I wrote. I even feel that way when I write a poem. Throughout all of this, and if I'm honest, long before I have realized how much easier it is for me to live in my own little world then in the real world where I have to interact with others. I guess that's cause I feel like I have more control in my own little world and that makes me feel more comfortable. In the real world I never know what to expect, which can be interesting but also a bit intimidating for me. I think that's why I've always had a life long admiration for books and have loved to read. I'm also sure that's why Superman is my favorite superhero just because he can fly. Many times I wish I could just fly away and escape somewhere where I could better sort through my thoughts. Not to mention it's very easy to like Superman when Dean Cain is one of the guys that portray him! :) And yes, Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman was one of my favorite shows back in the day. I still like to watch that show.

I recently got to finally get away even if it was only for an overnight stay in Tennessee. I was able to see the beautiful leaves changing colors. I even got to to go an area called Roaring Forks, that I had never been to before. It was a trip by myself that I had desperately needed for sometime. Ever have those times where you just need to be truly left alone and get away from people, or at least the people you are normally around. On some of the roads I went on they have preserved log houses on them. Needless to say that was my favorite time down there. Driving on those roads and getting out to see those cabins surrounded by the woods and a couple even have a creek behind or close by. I am terrified of water (more accurately of drowning) but I absolutely love the sound of the water cascading over and through the rocks. Something about that is so calming to me. Here are a few of my favorite pictures I got: