Life Is A GIft

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. I've seen this quote several times and it was one of those quotes when I first read it I thought yeah that's true and quickly went on to my next squirrel moment. However, the older I get the better I understand this quote and realize just how true it is. The last post I wrote I had written that I had one thought but I was going to keep that to myself for a bit longer. That bit longer didn't last as long as I thought it would. You know I really do look at life as a precious gift and one I don't handle with the appreciation and care that I should at times and by that I not only mean my own life but I to often take for granted the lives of others. Forgive me if this is vague and goes in circles I'm trying not to make it to depressing and maybe even to a certain degree I still ain't ready to share all of that thought. Anyway, life really is something to be treasured because we aren't promised tomorrow and in theory one thinks and hopes they'll have a long prosperous life but it's not guaranteed. So much for not making this to depressing, huh?! I really believe God is trying to tell me something and I think that something is that although it's okay to have a guard up it's also okay to let that down and let people inside. Not only that but that I need to do better about telling and showing people that. Perhaps I do more than I realize but I know there are many times I don't tell people. I've had people I care a lot about that have faced health scares and such and it just makes you realize that in the snap of your fingers things can change, people can be taken away. One day I watch a little girl smiling and excitedly skipping to the children's class at church thinking we all need to be that excited to be at church and just that happy about life. Tragically the next day that little girl along with her families life is cut terribly short in an automobile accident. And before I go on with any more thoughts I do sincerely ask that if you pray, please remember that family as well as the family that also lost a family member in the other automobile involved in the accident. I don't write this for someone to say well that's not fair and/or look what kind of God you serve because for one no one is to blame it seems part of the human psych to need to blame someone if they can't get any other answer for why something happened and to often God gets the blame. Second, there is nothing that has ever guaranteed anyone gets a definite number of years on this planet does it make it any easier to see someone you love leave, absolutely not. You could live hundreds of years and it'd still not make it any easier to say a final goodbye to someone. My point is that well when things like that happen only God can give you peace and get you through it (my opinion, you don't have to agree) and that we should never, ever take the ones we love and care about for granted or think we have one more day to go on that little trip with them or to say I love you to them. Recently on the show Rizzoli and Isles they paid a very heartfelt and emotional tribute to Lee Thompson Young and I really liked what Rizzoli said which in part was,
  ...Those wonderful and perfect and beautiful memories. Those thank God are ours to keep. It is my honest desire to make sure that I don't get to busy 'living' that I don't make some wonder, perfect, beautiful memories with those that I love.

Take 2 tablespoons of random as needed

One of the biggest lies I continue to tell myself is that I don't need to write that down I will absolutely remember it word for word later on, or will remember to do something without the reminder. I had something I was going to write on here and all I remember is at the time the thought came to me that it was a great thought but other than that I can't really remember much of it. Good thing I have an endless supply of random thoughts continuously running through my mind, thank God there isn't any thought bubbles that pop up over ones head. Mine would be so jumbled that it would look like it was in some kind of code though so I'd still be safe. And the randomness begins...

I hate talking on the phone, I hate the way I sound and I'm so quiet people can never hear me. I had rather get in front of a group of people and talk...okay that's a bit of an exaggeration but I really don't like talking on the phone. Recently for work I had emailed to clarify some information and the person replied with can you call me...My first thought was no, no I can not the purpose of sending the email was so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. So after staring at the phone regretting even sending the email I finally call only for her to...wait for it....not be able to hear me, I know I couldn't believe it either (sarcasm font would be great for sentences like that). I have nothing against talking I'm just very selective on who I talk to and God help those people if they choose a subject that I enjoy and can ramble on FOREVER about. Speaking of rambling have you ever been talking to someone and you can tell they could care less about what you're talking about. For me I'm never entirely sure if it's because they could care less about what I'm talking about and/or they have heard nothing of what I've been saying. Either way I try to quickly end the torture for the person. Luckily for anyone involved this doesn't occur very often.

There is a cardinal that shows up at my uncle's house and I've been trying to get a picture of him for awhile now. I am convinced the bird knows this because he gladly shows up when I'm in my car and he'll be sitting in the road or fly in front of me and he was even hanging out in the yard on the one moment I didn't have my camera with me. That bird is like problems in life. I may get so focused on looking in one direction where I am certain a problem may attack that I don't have all of the other directions guarded like I should. Or perhaps one will have all sides very well guarded and prepared for any and all attacks only to lose focus and look away or wait a long time without any problem showing up so you decide maybe you don't need all that protection up after all so you start to take some of the armor off. That is usually when the problems will attack. Not to say one should always be in complete paranoia and panic that something is going to happen but one should always be alert and aware at the very least. Okay that maybe didn't have anything to do with that bird but in my head and way of thinking I related it to that somehow, sometimes I'm not even sure how I get to these conclusions.

Lastly, and if you are still reading this you deserve an award of some sort...actually on second thought I think this has been enough to torment anyone that has read this. And I think I'll keep that thought I was going to share to myself for a bit longer.

And so it goes...(that has nothing to do with what you are about to read)

You ever get those feelings that something is going to happen? Intuition, a joke, real or a hoax I don't know but sometimes I do that. I usually try to ignore it and pass it off as my personality getting the best of me but sometimes I just can't shake it. When I just can't shake it I tend to start listening then because I figure it ain't worth taking a chance on it just being a joke at that point. I had originally planned on going to a particular destination for my vacation this year and was really looking forward to it. Except it slowly started when I'd think about it, particularly one area I'd be going to, I'd get the feeling I shouldn't go. Then people would give me looks and say oh you better be careful. So after that I just played it that I was just feeding off what others had said. Until today and I started looking at directions and such again and I got the most awful feeling of dread I'd gotten. So after talking with my cousin that is going with me I made a remark of somewhere we could go to make up for it. Now I thought if this is just a joke I'll feel bad for changing the plans and still want to go. As soon as we decided it'd be better to change plans and our new destination will be perfect I kid you not I got this feeling of peace and like a burden lifted. So, real deal or ain't no way, I'm glad I listened this time and perhaps I should listen a little bit more often and carefully.

On a whole other level of random, I have recently hit a slump in this losing weight/getting in shape road I'm on and was getting very discouraged. I try to spend my lunch break jogging, and by jogging I mean doing so in place in the house because I will not run outside and if anyone ever sees me doing so don't ask questions just run in the direction you see me running because my life is in danger. Usually in all honesty that doesn't last to terribly long until the other day I made it longer than I ever have and then today I beat that record by 5 minutes. I'm finding out just how much a difference I can make in this journey by what I say to/about myself. It definitely helps that I have some very encouraging people around me that will say they can tell a difference and just positive things. If any of you have done so and actually read this thank you, seriously I really do appreciate it. I may not accept the compliment very well when you say it but you have no idea how much it has helped me. Sometimes I get so focused on the number on that evil scale and forget how much I have accomplished so it's nice to have an occasional reminder. And I know that in the end I'm the one that has the ultimate control over it and I have to change my way of thinking and pat myself on the back for the small goals I reach, which by the way I most definitely did congratulate myself on this recent goal I finally reached.

The Well

Growing up, and even still to this day, I'll hear people talking about going to the well to get water. In many areas to this day that is the only means to get drinkable water. A person can go more than three weeks without food but  not more than three days without water, generally speaking anyway. Now for those people that have and/or are still using wells as their source to have water they are going to put a cover over that well so trash isn't put in or animals don't get in it. We need water to drink to survive, to cook our food and many other things. It's a very precious thing so when your only means of getting it is from a well you are going to take all precautions and means necessary to make sure your water doesn't get contaminated, right? Right. Why am I saying all of this? I'm so glad you asked! There is a song that I absolutely love called The Well by Casting Crowns. I've heard this song countless times but last night I heard it and I had an epiphany of sorts. To me my mind is like my well (it could be argued your heart is but for the purpose of this blog just work with me). My mind holds contents that helps me survive, helps me remember how to get to places, how to do various functions, etc. Basically without my mind, my well, I'm not going to be able to function very well. So why am I sometimes not so careful about putting my cover on and am careless on what I let in my well. Now I have my own list of what falls under what I shouldn't let in and focus on that could affect my well and thinking and it's going to be different than most others so I'll let my list be personal because that's not the focus of this. My point is I sometimes forget that I have more control and a say on what I listen to, be in my own thoughts or whatever, and to often I leave the guards down, or the cover off, and I let the trash in. It's easy to let it in, and many times not even realizing it, but when you start seeing it pile up it can be time consuming and sometimes challenging to get rid of it (i.e. change your way of thinking). We've all seen a section of a highway people have used for their own personal landfill and pieces of trash lying around. It doesn't look pretty. I've heard people say it's just a piece of gum wrapper, or a little water bottle, it isn't going to hurt anything. Maybe, but if everyone thinks that, than soon that one piece of trash very rapidly turns into hundreds, if not thousands of pieces of trash on the side of the road. Same thing with thoughts and what we let in our wells. One thought can quickly turn into many and soon you may be believing those lies that you are worthless (just an example) or whatever. So basically listening to that song again last night reminded me I need to be more careful of what I let in my mind, because it's very important to not let my well get contaminated.

Here's the song that was mentioned earlier and started this whole post.

Comfort Zone

I like my comfort zones, they are familiar and I have a certain amount of control over what is changed and when that change occurs. That is great for someone that doesn't like sudden change and can take years to make one little change that to the outsider seems a simple fix but to me not so much. With that being said, sometimes comfort zones can get very boring and seem like you're not getting anywhere or anything done. And that is where I'm currently finding myself. So I'm walking the perimeters and all areas of my little comfort zone in trying to figure out why I am so bored and just where I need to be to take that first step out away from where I am. For awhile now I've just been trying to sit back and take a break because I have been making small (to outsiders but huge to me) changes and been redecorating my comfort zone in a sense. The break didn't last as long as I expected so now I find myself trying to decide how and when to tackle this next round of cleaning up and fixing. You know people are always saying don't look back and/or don't live in the past and I completely agree except sometimes I find I have to take a glance back to assure myself  I really have stepped out and am making changes because to often when I'm just looking ahead I get overwhelmed by what looks like an endless list of things I need to change or roads I want to take and part of me will want to run back to my comfort place and hide to never come back out again. However, when I take that glance back I see just how far I've made it and survived so when I get where I want to run back sometimes I just step to the side and give myself a little pep talk, you know the whole look how far you've come now you may have to take more stops but you can do this. Now I try not to look back to long and I sure don't try to take any steps forward while looking back cause I barely can walk while looking in the right direction without tripping. I've gotten where even when I do run back and build some walls up I don't, or try not to, knock myself down but instead say plot twist and just give myself some time and learn what I got to do to make it further and closer to my goal the next time I take that route. I'm probably making this sound like I'm just skipping my way out of my comfort zone while singing a little song with a little bird whistling along but I really don't. I'll argue with myself a lot of the steps on the way and struggle with if I'm making the right decision. If it was easy I wouldn't be able to appreciate the hard work it took me to finally make the changes to be who I want to be. I also tend to not ask for advice or help very often but it is nice to know that the very select few (seriously I can count them on one hand) I trust to actually talk to will be there to listen. Anyway, I didn't write that how I intended when I started and it probably makes absolutely no sense but basically here's to those of us who struggle to step away from our comfort zones and may we remember to pat ourselves on the back for the accomplishments we make along that road.

Driving My Life Away

Yesterday I had to go get the oil changed in my car and when I paid for it the guy said, 'You sure do a lot of driving.'  I found it amusing and just laughed and agreed with him. As I was leaving I thought, I didn't buy the car to set in my driveway and look pretty (I will neither confirm nor deny if said statement was said aloud or not!). Although in hindsight a hilarious response would've been, 'Ooh I'm driving my life away, looking for a better way, for me...' (the Eddie Rabbit song, in case no one has heard it).  I would use other means of transportation but where I live if you want to get anywhere you gotta get in the car. I mean I have to go to a bordering county (about 20 miles one way) to even go to a theater to see a movie. Now I'm getting in better shape but there just ain't no way I could ride a bike that far. Well, maybe I could but it would take me forever and a day. I tend to get restless so I'll get in the car drive around and listen to music. Besides if I have the means and want to go somewhere I'm taking it while I have the opportunity. I jokingly say I have to get out of the county every now and then, and by that I mean at least once a week, just to make sure it is still possible to get out of the county. Not to mention I have the best conversations and am able to better sort out my thoughts while driving.

Onto my next random subject now.

Have you ever had anyone say, 'you look just like so and so' (I'm still waiting to meet someone named so and so by the way). I personally don't care because I just don't put  that much stock in looks. After all they can fade and be changed, be it naturally with age or if you got the money by the finest plastic surgeons. I'm personally not that good at playing that whole game of who do they look more like. How I act has always been more important to me than who I look like or how I look. I'll never meet societies idea of beautiful so I just get where I'm happy with how I look and go on to the more important things in life. I love how you also get the whole you act just like so and so (I'd make up a name but my luck I'd have a family member named that and by some unbelievable chance they'd read this and take it all wrong). Although I hate how people use that reason as a total cop out to excuse and continue to act in ways that are unnecessary (rude, mean, etc.). I've picked up some very handy and some outright terrible habits be it by outright inheriting it or by osmosis of the ones I am around or see. I continue to work very hard to break and get away from those not so good habits. Lastly, I love how when you do or like something (a certain genre of music, book, movie, etc.) that family members will say I just don't know who you took that back after. I keep waiting for someone to break out that handy dandy book, 'Characteristics of (insert family name here) Family: Past and Present. to try to find someone to blame for that particular characteristic. Somewhere, some day there will be an app for that! I just don't understand why everything has to be about who you took that back after. Can there not be certain things that I just do because that is me. Basically, I have no problem giving credit where credit is due and I have gotten some fantastic traits passed along the gene pool to me but a lot of who I am is also based on so very much more too. I'm a hodgepodge of so many different people and things but in the end all I am is me.

Introvert I most certainly am

I hate when I'm included in an email conversation or an actual group of people and I'm quite content standing in the background listening, voicing my thoughts in my head, when someone turns to me and says, 'What do you think?' (or some variation of that question.) My first thought is Nooooo! My invisa-shield is broken, they have spotted me! My second thought is I'm not entirely sure where the conversation is at now since I'm still on the multiple ways to phrase a possible response to the part of the conversation that was five minutes ago. So I quickly pick one of the few old faithful and short phrases that should be an appropriate response. This recently happened to me on an email conversation at work. Which, by the way, had to do with an area that I really don't like of my job anyway. Seriously it is my archvillian, it is my Lex Luthor to Superman, my Daleks to The Doctor. Every time I think I have it conquered it shows up again to annoy me in some way. Anyway, I hate that feeling of panic when you realize there is no way of getting out of saying some kind of response to a conversation when I was perfectly okay not saying anything at the moment. I mean I was still working on the perfect response! This kinda-sorta-maybe-not really has something to do with that previous paragraph but I was recently reminded how all of my life I've always had people around and/or show up that would stick up for me and pick on me (all in good fun of course cause what's life without good jokes and laughs? Boring, that's what!). For example, back in school someone was picking on me (not the just joking among friends kind) and before I had a chance to even react someone stood up for me. I'm one to avoid conflict/confrontation as long as possible, not to mistake that for weakness but I'll exhaust all other means before I bring out the conflict/confrontation card. That's beside the point, if I have one, it is mainly that I don't know why people want to take up for me but it's nice knowing I got some people that have my back, even when I don't even realize I need it. I guess God was like, poor kid is going to take the long scenic route to find her voice and place in this world I'll have to make sure to place people in her life to help her find that voice and stick up for her. I had more I intended to write about that but alas those thoughts seem to be lost and will probably only be found again while I'm driving and get lost in thought or while trying to go to sleep and suddenly to many tabs start opening up in my brain and I have to go through and close enough so I can get to sleep.

All that talk about friends suddenly got the song You've Got A Friend in Me stuck in my head so I figure why not include a video of that to end this post.