A Title Goes Here

I'm so used to over analyzing and thinking I've done something to annoy or bother some one that it actually throws me off course when someone else will ask if they have done something to me or apologize for something they did thinking it was rude or something. I tend to apologize first and find out what I'm apologizing for later. It is no secret I can get my feelings hurt ridiculously easy, which is one of those things that drives me crazy about myself and I can think I've done something when I'm not at fault at all. So I was really surprised when I got an apology from someone saying they had acted rude about something because that particular incident was one of those rare times that my over thinking didn't kick in and I honestly didn't even pay attention to what happened and didn't think nothing about it. Perhaps it's a sign that I'm getting over that very annoying habit.  It is kind of funny that when something doesn't bother you someone will no doubt sincerely think it does, but when something does truly bother you or hurt your feelings no one seems to hardly ever catch those. It's nice to know though that every one, or most every one, at one point or another has done that. I guess over thinking can be a normal thing to have to deal with after all.

Third Wheel

I think I'm starting to understand why I go places by myself and it's not just because of the hard time I have of getting people to go with me. It seems like it never fails that when I do get someone to go with me they end up inviting someone too and I end up being the third wheel on my own trip to wherever. It's not so bad if I know the person but I guess you can't get to know people if you aren't around them. I always hate it though when that happens and you end up being left out in conversations and basically doing every thing on your own anyway so you might as well have went on the trip by yourself. At least when I go by myself I'm not rushed or on anyone's schedule. Of course when I go by myself I'm limited on some of the things I can do, or at least when, and it can get boring. You can only get talking to yourself so many times before people start looking at you funny! I should be used to being the third wheel, Lord knows I've had plenty of practice and will forever be the third wheel. I don't the fact that others are there bother me, as they say the more the merrier (usually, anyway), it's the suddenly learning there are others coming when all along it was just supposed to be x amount of people. Thankfully, usually this never ends up being a problem and all ends well so guess I always worry about it for nothing like I am so good at doing. I just hate change and when I have it in my mind something is going to be a certain way and it gets changed it bugs me and I don't like it until half way through and I realize it's not so bad. So here's to apparently always going somewhere by myself and/or being the third wheel.

Writer's Block

I'm in one of those moods I really want to write and I know that I have ideas brewing in my mind but when I go to write anything it's like all my thoughts go in to hiding or hit a massive wall while trying to escape and let me write them down. I have a greater appreciation of the phrase writer's block. The other day I saw something that gave me an idea to try to write a poem and I sat down to try to write the ideas down to sort through and make coherent sentences and phrases with but what little I actually wrote down seemed forced and just wasn't right so I put it away. Kind of like with this post I feel like I'm having to force myself to write anything, which then makes it not fun to write at all. I don't claim to be good at writing (including what I write on here, and the other random things I write) but I use writing as an escape and to help get a better grip on the thoughts running around in my head. Now I'm having one of those moments where I've hit the wall and can't write or what little I have written it doesn't make sense or feel right to write. You always hear of actual authors that write for a living having writer's block and they some how get over that little glitch so hopefully this won't last to much longer cause my poor mind can't handle much of a backlog of to many thoughts stuck in my head.

Yes, No, Maybe

Being quiet definitely has its advantages and most of the time I'm very content in being quiet, or only known as the quiet girl, but some times it can get aggravating. The biggest issue I think I have probably isn't what one would initially think. Most would probably assume it would be people not hearing me when I talk and/or having to constantly repeat myself but if someone doesn't initially hear me when I say something to them I'll generally just go on about my business and forget about it, nine times out of ten I was just trying to fill in an awkward silence or try to not make my quietness seem more like snobbish, rude behavior. In fact, my biggest issue is in the fact that people always assume when you say no that you really mean yes and are just to shy to say so. Admittedly, I have done this before but it isn't always the case, most of the time in fact. It's a bit more understandable when strangers may assume this but my friends and family should so be able to tell when there may be a yes or a maybe hiding out under the no that just came out of my mouth. Most people are probably thinking why don't you just say yes or no when you mean yes or no. Truthfully, I have gotten so much better about that and over 75% (if not more) of my responses are the honest to goodness answer that I am saying. I think that is just one of those automatic stereotypes that falls under the shy/quiet category and like most stereotypes can be proved to be untrue, especially once you get to know the shy/quiet person. Either way, just like people can't understand why it can be hard for a quiet person to just say or do what they want, I can't understand why people can't understand a no really does just mean no when it is said by a quiet person.

Struck Me Funny

You know we're generally taught at an early age certain words are considered bad and shouldn't be said, out of respect or for various other reasons. I think some words should be added to that list and I'm just not sure how they didn't get added. The big one that I think should be added is diet, that is such an evil word that just makes me cringe and my stomach growl when I just hear it! A while back I was asked if I was on a diet and I quickly said no. I'm trying to not visit the junk food side of town, or pantry in this case, as often in hopes to eat better and I've said goodbye to the pop (AKA soda) train,  but I refuse to say I'm on a diet. I mean really, the first three letters of the word spell die, and I personally am not ready to die just yet and if I go on a diet me or someone around me could seriously get hurt. So I have come up with the solution that this round of trying to eat better and just be healthier I will refrain from using that terrible word and just go on about my business. So far it seems to be working out better for me than any time before.

I recently saw a person that had the middle name of Christ and it cracked me up. I'm not sure if the 'i' is  pronounced with a long or short vowel sound but than again where I'm from any word with an 'i' is automatically a long vowel and I do mean long. I wonder if her parents thought if her middle name was Christ (and assuming it's pronounced with the long vowel), that when they got so mad they had to say her whole name that when they said Christ it would help them calm down before they did or said something they would regret. I wonder if parents nowadays even say a child's full name or if they just go straight to counting. That cracks me up too. Hear some parent say to a kid something a long the lines of  'You better put that toy away where it belongs in your room.' and the kid just sits there so then the parent just starts counting. I'm surprised some kids nowadays don't think their name is One Two Three and a half. And if that's how you parent more power to you, I can't help it that it cracks me up, that's how my sense of humor rolls and I can't seem to alter my humor.

Thinking Problem

The capabilities of all that the mind can do is truly amazing and I often wonder if we will ever truly know and understand all that our mind does and why. I don't think my poor mind can even understand itself at times, or it just likes to play some cruel jokes on me. It really is like my mind has found and taken over the remote control for my life and during the day it puts itself on mute so I can't even remember something as simple as what day it really is. Then it becomes night and that's a completely different story. This is when my mind becomes a hard of hearing person that likes to channel surf with the volume turned all of the way up. I sometimes don't mind the fight to go to sleep, I have actually gotten some decent ideas of things to write because of this. Now that I think about it, I guess the mind really is our remote for life. Some nights I even crack myself up, not that I'm necessarily funny, it's just that I have officially became slap happy for the night while waiting for sleep. On those nights I get a laugh, or good chuckle, at my own expense because of the rapid fire thoughts that keep coming and how side tracked I can get. I have gotten so far away from my original thought I can't find my way back from all the side roads of thoughts I took. It's like playing 5 degrees of (insert random thought here) instead of 5 degrees of Kevin Bacon. This happened the other night and if I'd thought I could've gotten the thoughts on paper before my mind went on selective shut down I would've written them down, if for nothing else but to have proof I'm not exaggerating about this. At one point I couldn't help but think this must be a glimpse of what it may be like in Robin Williams head and how he goes all over the place when he is telling jokes or just talking. No offense to him intended, I think he is hilarious. At least on those nights with the funny random thoughts, I can have a little fun and amusement while waiting for sleep to kick in. I don't like the nights where my mind takes the philosophical, theological and any of those other to serious roads. Those tend to get me in deeper and more confused than I ever want to be but especially before I go to sleep. So basically, in conclusion, I can only say for certain that I have a thinking problem that at times keeps me awake at night and helps me day dream while I'm supposed to be working but that same problem has helped me somehow take the scenic route to the answers I needed to find. Here's to all of our thinking problems and may we learn and enjoy the sometimes long and (hopefully) scenic route they take us on.

Little of this and that and a whole lot of nothing...

Well, I ended up telling my friends about the dream with Tony, and I think I did the right thing especially after what his wife told me afterwards. It also reminded me of how awkward I am around people and how strange it seems the more I care about people the more awkward I am which makes no sense to me. I still felt bad telling them and seeing them cry, I kept apologizing cause I hate to see people I care about cry, but hopefully they were good tears. At least now I can put that behind me and mark that off my things to worry about list. I really got to work on shortening that list and throw it away for good. Kind of helped me see how much I really do worry and think about things instead of going with my first instinct, which is usually right to begin with. Reminds of the saying I've heard that goes something like worry is like a rocking chair your moving but not going any where. I remember back in fifth grade my home room teacher told us before taking a test to go with the first answer you thought of instead of questioning it until you just wasn't sure of the answer to pick. I used that a lot going through school and now that I think about it that philosophy could be applied to life in general. Funny how it's probably been close to 19 years since I've been in fifth grade yet I still remember that. As Timon and Pumbaa said in The Lion King, 'Hakuna Matata!'