I Just Felt Like Writing Today

I can easily get overwhelmed and not even know why I feel overwhelmed and then there are times that I'll be listening to what someone is saying to me and I just smile because whether they know it or not it will go along and/or be exactly what I needed to hear for whatever it may be that I was over thinking about or just something I was dealing with. Those are my 'Well, huh, ain't that something...' moments. You never really know when you share a thought or something that you have dealt with just how much it can help the person you are talking to, sometimes for no other reason than they can realize they are not the only one that has felt like and had to deal with that kind of problem before. Let's face it, it's nice to know you're not alone in many things. I'm all about having my time to myself to gather my thoughts and stuff but there are times that...well I feel to alone and that's not the good kind of alone that can help you. Usually, and thankfully, the times I get like that I have a few friends that I have grown comfortable enough with that I know I can talk to them. I may not talk about what's bothering me every time but nonetheless I know I can go to them and just talk and they'll get me out of that to alone zone. I recently saw a quote that said something along the lines of I'll always appreciate the ones that can make me laugh when I am feeling down and that is so true.

It amazes me sometimes how much I pay attention to things and the things that I can sometimes get out of them. It's sometimes so out there that I'm not even sure how I get to that particular thought. This most particular example came, from all places, a dog. A while back I had read a quote that stated the reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue (definitely one of those ain't that the truth quotes). Not only could  a lot be learned from that quote but I recently had the thought you could take a lesson in learning patience from a dog. I saw a dog that really wanted what it's owner was eating and he got up sit down and gave them the stare down. That didn't work and he walked away for a minute and laid down. Normally this is the way people are they don't get what they want the first time they try, ask, or seek it they just give up. However, here's where the lesson in patience kicked in, me watching this thinking he had given up only to see him get back up in a minute or two and walk back to his owner sit down beside him and patiently  watch the person eat what the dog very much wanted a bite of. This time he didn't leave again but he sat there and his patience and persistence paid off because he got a bit of what that person was eating. So see there's lessons to be learned in all kinds of places if you just watch (and perhaps over think). 

Just A Thought...

 By now I'm sure everyone has heard of the tragic loss of Robin Williams. Be it a well known celebrity such as Mr. Williams or the person down the street it is a terrible loss and so sad when someone feels that this is the last hope of escaping the pain and torment that is caused by depression and/or other mental health problems or even other issues. It truly bothers me when tragedies like this happen and people can't find the decency in them to have an ounce of respect for the families of the person and will downplay the seriousness of suicide and what leads up to it. If someone wants to believe it's a cowardly way out, or no one can be that depressed well it's by all means your right to have that opinion but some opinions are best left unsaid especially during the time of a tragedy. With that being said I wholeheartedly disagree and would say so to anyone that has those types of opinions. It truly bothers me when people have this mindset because suicide is a very real problem. There's a saying that states treat everyone you see with kindness because you don't know what kind of battle they are facing. Just because one seems to have it all, or societies lies of what having it all is, or they have the biggest smile doesn't mean that they aren't facing something that could ultimately make them think there is only one way left to escape the pain and sorrow they are hiding. One hopes that everyone has at least one person they can go to and be able to talk to them when things get to overwhelming for them, or have someone you can just say please pray for me but that's not always the case.  If you don't please call help numbers such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and talk to someone because no matter how you may feel or what you may think you are special and mean a lot to those around you and it is worth fighting to make it another day.

A step out of my comfort zone

Recently I was sitting at the house bored and I got a text from a friend. When I looked at it I saw that it was information about a poetry contest, The National Amateur Poetry Contest, to be exact. Now I've never entered anything I've ever written for any kind of contest. To be perfectly honest I spend way to much time wondering if I should even share it with a select few friends and even more time if I should post it on here and/or Facebook. So I replied with something along the line of that's cool may have to try to enter that. Now as soon as I hit send I thought I don't have anything good enough to send. However, the more I thought about it and after doing a quick search and read of the rules something very much unlike me happened. I thought what do I have to lose if I do enter it, providing I can find a poem that fits the rules. Besides if my friend took the time to send me the information and and apparently thinks my writings would be decent enough to send one than maybe, just maybe I should have as much confidence in my writing and step out of my comfort zone to see what happens. I'm fairly certain I've made up my mind on which poem I'm going to send in and will make my procrastinating self send that in within the next week or two. Although, I did recently see a quote that is funny because it is so true that went like this: with an introvert, you never have to worry that they'll make a rash decision. Good luck getting them to make any decision at all. But this time I have decided that I am for sure going to try my luck at this contest, if for nothing else but to finally say I entered something I wrote into a contest. It's a little step, but a step nonetheless, in a direction that will take me out of my comfort zone. Do I expect anything to come out of it? I'm not sure but I sure won't have a chance of saying I had the opportunity to have a poem published if I don't try. You don't know if you don't do so here I go doing something I'd normally run in the opposite direction from.

Update: Not that anyone that reads this probably cares but I didn't back out and have mailed in a poem to the contest. I ended up sending in my poem Quiet Girl because that one met the rules and that one means a lot to me. It just felt fitting to send that one in. I posted it on a blog months ago but here it is again, just because :)

Quiet Girl

By: April Donahue

To many she is just a quiet girl

Feels like she is on a tilt-o-whirl

Always watching the people rush on by

Trying to find her place in this life

Quiet girl don't you see your worth

Shake those fears and face this world

It's time for your quiet voice to be heard

Few or many so much is hidden in your words

Don't listen to those whispered lies

Quiet girl hold your head up high

Don't be afraid to show your smile

Take it all one step at a time

Quiet girl it's okay to be yourself

When others try to make you someone else

Never, ever forget the truth

You are you and there's nothing you can't do

This post is like a really bad amusement ride...just saying

Good grief apparently I got on the emotional roller coaster ride without knowing it and it is not a fun ride, not a fun ride at all. While wrestling for days of how to write what I want to write on here and if I should even write what I want to write I've ended up with not much of nothing because every thing I type ends up being deleted. So just a fair warning this post will probably be like the emotional roller coaster I seem to have been on. Such is life though, eh? 

So the following is what I had finally got completed as of yesterday while trying to write this:

Sometimes when I am listening to music I'll hear a certain line in a song and either think it or actually say out loud something along the lines of 'Ain't that the truth.' In my quest to find what kind of song/music I even wanted to hear today I heard the song Troubadour by George Strait and it got to the line of well the truth about a mirror is that it don't really tell the whole truth. It don't show what's deep inside, or read between the lines. I just love that verse. Maybe it's because I hate mirrors and will avoid them like the plague. Or perhaps because there is so much an over thinker and analyzer like myself can get out of that. Unless someone out there is the Evil Queen and has a magic mirror that will tell you who is the fairest of them all a mirror, like so many other things, can only show and tell a small portion of the story, or truth if you will. In today's society there is so much emphasis on beauty and to often when people look in mirrors they only see their flaws not the whole truth. They aren't seeing the whole picture of what's deep inside and forget to read between the lines. They completely forget and miss the fact that no matter what society tries to say the person looking back at them in that mirror is beautiful and amazing in their own unique way. It also reminds me of the song Beautiful by Group 1 Crew. Guess it's kind of obvious pretty much everything reminds me of a song. Anyway, I suppose the main thing I was thinking and am trying to type but having a difficult time getting out is that no matter what we see when we look at ourselves in the mirror or what you see in someone else we should always remember that it doesn't always show what's deep inside and isn't telling the whole truth...or something like that. It makes sense the way it is rolling around in my head but not exactly having an easy time getting my thoughts properly written down. I could understand if I was face to face trying to talk but generally I don't have this much trouble with writing.

Now to see if I can finally finish this post and hit publish because quite frankly I'm tired of seeing draft written by this. 

Some days are just days where I think I just need a hug and to have a good cry that is all. I think that must be the major loop on that roller coaster but it's all good and it eventually passes. Sometimes with the hug and/or cry and sometimes not but either way life manages to move on. For someone that doesn't particularly like to be hugged it can prove to be tricky when I actually get where I want/need a hug. As an introvert sometimes I rather like to do things by myself. Sometimes you get weird looks with that or if I tell someone I did something by myself they automatically assume it was because I couldn't find anyone to do whatever it may be with. Generally, that is a safe bet and you would win but there are times I choose to do things by myself. I need my alone time to recharge. Now I have found myself in a bit of a predicament because there is something I want to do and wouldn't mind doing by myself except I'm feeling guilty. Why, I'm not sure, but I'm feeling guilty that I want to do things by myself and then particularly that I wouldn't take a couple family members on this particular adventure because...well I don't really know the because. I hate feeling guilty when I really have no reason to and I don't understand why I feel the need to try to guilt myself because I want to do stuff by myself.  Anyway, I guess it's time I write what I have gone back and forth on writing on here and if you read it you're going to be like what was the big deal about writing it...and my answer is, I have no idea, no idea at all. 

So I used to some times hear people talk about their church family and to be honest I didn't get it. My thought was why are you calling them family you just go to church with them. It's kind of like how friends can feel more like family to you than the ones that are listed on that family tree. Shoot a lot of the time they even treat you better. Now after being at the church I go to for about 9 years now I think I finally understand why people will say they are family. Some of my best and closest friends I met at church. I'm one that I never really understand why people like me, pick on me I totally get cause I make it incredibly easy for that, but for someone to be my friend well the over thinking kicks in and it's just one hot mess. That's a whole other post to sit in draft mode for a long time. To continue with this one...I guess basically what I'm trying to say is not only am I so thankful and glad to have those close, and to be honest quite unexpected, friendships but I'm fortunate in that I can say they are family too. I'm glad for the ones that actually want to hang out with me, will listen to me, and let me ask my endless questions :) oh and the picking on because they have actually thrown in some quips about me being quiet and such that I hadn't heard and life is more fun when you can be around people that want to be around you and make you laugh. And I guess that's all I have to say, or all I'm going to, about that. 

Oh, on another and last, random thought I have been rolling around a couple of ideas about a story to maybe-possibly-but- probably- not- try to write. Ever since I went to the lighthouse I've been so very much wanting to try to write a story with a lighthouse setting. Not sure if anything will ever come about from it but at least with these little random ideas and the ones that will come to me by seeing some street signs or other things that will jog my imagination...well let's just say I can create little stories while I'm driving around. 

Well hopefully the next time I post something it's more well put together and all that. 

 

Back to the real world

Vacations are funny. You spend a fair amount of time trying to find the right time to take off of work than hope you can actually get those days off. Then you spend time and money on the various things to do and places to stay while you’re there. I understand why staycations can be much better because generally when you get back from vacation you need a week to recuperate and you wonder if your vacation really did you any good. It is good to get away though. To make memories with people and to see a small portion of the beautiful things and places that are in this world. I actually learned a couple of things about myself on this vacation, which is kind of odd that I’m still learning stuff about myself. How is that even possible? Maybe it’s not so much that I didn’t know these things about me but that I’m better understanding what gets me to these places and why I think/act how I do in certain situations. I also learned on vacation that manners seem to be going out the window and people just don’t use them like they use to anymore. Not that I had to go on vacation to learn that. I also found out just how difficult it apparently is for people to hear me talk but part of that is because I’m use to just being by myself in the car and I don’t particularly talk very loud when I talk to myself. Okay, I don’t talk loud at all unless I’m really excited about something or apparently when I’m really aggravated. Another thing I realized was just how often I say sorry. Sometimes I say sorry because I do feel like I did something to apologize for and sometimes I think I say it when I really mean excuse me and more often times than not I probably say both when it probably isn’t necessary. I need to figure out how to share my extra manners to some of these people that have none. Anyway, one day while on vacation, I was walking on the beach and walking toward the water while this guy was walking from the right of me. You know those moments where you’re not sure which way the other person is going to go so you all won’t crash into each other? Well it turned in to that and you get that awkward which way do I go, which way do I go type dance going. So I hurriedly walked in front of him and apologized as I did so. He kind of chuckled and said, “Don’t be sorry. That’s a silly little thing to be sorry for.” As I continued walking toward the water I thought about what he said and a few things came to mind. The first being, well I’ll be he actually heard me! Then I thought you know he has a point and it was one of those moments when I really meant excuse me more than sorry. This is why I prefer to write instead of talk because it’s easier to take the time to say what I mean better and I can hit the escape button, or erase the wrong word, until I get it correctly saying what I want to imply. I may apologize a lot or say sorry when I mean excuse me and to be honest I could really beat myself up for it but I’m not because I’d rather apologize over silly things because then that means I can probably be more able to apologize for the big silly things too. Not to say that it bothered me that the guy said that. Again to be honest I’m so socially awkward I have no idea how to even take what he said except that I have really over thought the whole thing but then again that’s what I do and boy I do it well. Back to my main point, it’s nice to get away for a few days but I think my next trips on any long weekends I have off will be spent doing short road trips that I can be home the same day or just stay over night because usually those are the best kind of trips anyway.

To save a post I’m just going to add this random thought (or two) to this one. I may not have this whole talking business down and probably never will but apparently I have the face of someone that is easy to talk to and/or I am a better listener than I sometimes think I am because even strangers will come up to me and start conversation and will just tell me all kinds of stuff. Maybe it’s a common thing that happens to everyone. It really is amazing though what you find out about people if you just listen. Some goes in the I really didn't need to know that file but there are several times that I have learned so much from this happening. I always find it odd yet amazing how people will say something right when you need to hear it. Whether it's a simple thank you to something more but it's that exact something you really needed to hear. It really blows my mind when it either comes from a stranger or even if it is from someone you know but it is about something you hadn't even talked to anyone about. This example really doesn't fall into any of the previous categories but it is funny how something like rain and curly hair can start a conversation. So I was paying for my books I purchased at Half Priced Books and the cashier asks me if my hair is naturally curly and I tell her it is. I should also mention it had been and was still currently raining pretty much the whole day. So after I told her it was naturally curly she then proceeds to tell me that it looks really good for it to be raining and her hair just wasn’t and someone had suggested she use a certain product that works great on their curls but didn’t work for hers. So that was another conversation with a stranger I can add to my it all started because of my curly hair file!

To end this post here are a few of my favorite pictures I took while on vacation. It’s nice to see the ocean and different areas but at the end of the day just give me life in the country where I look out and see trees and hear the frogs, bugs and birds.

Hurry up and slow down

I feel like I'm surrounded by people that are living that song by Alabama that says, I'm in a hurry and don't know why. I rush and rush until life is no fun. Somehow I got in the lane with them and now I'm surrounded by people holding up all of the lanes with this mentality and I can't get back over to the slow lane. You know what I think would be fun if people would hurry up and slow down. Why is everyone in such a hurry? Whatever you're going to do will still be there when you get there and if it isn't well it just might be that there is a better day for you to do whatever you were intending to do. Seriously, is it so important one of these in a hurry people be in front of everyone at whatever cost including putting their and others lives in danger. I love driving and going places, love it but anymore I hate it. Every time I go somewhere I'll have people pushing me down the road, everyone has got to be in front and I just don't get it.  I can understand losing patience when someone is going 10-20mph below the speed limit because that one tests my patience and I realize that everyone at one point or another has something that they are in a hurry to do and will lose their patience. I just don't get why everyone needs to be in front or go just a little bit faster than you are. I guess you could look at life as one big to do list. It seems like people used to have two separate lists, one for jobs and all the responsibilities that entails (paying bills, boring grown up stuff) and the other for living (doing stuff with family and friends, etc.) Somewhere along the line those two lists got merged and now it's like people are in such a hurry and driven to do the grown up stuff list and to often it's not even because they have to it's just so they can say they have more than someone else. I know people that have to work like a dog to get by but yet they still find time to do stuff on that living list because they make it a priority and let's face it everyone needs a break every now and then or you are going to be one miserable, irritable person to be around. Obviously one has to be responsible and do what they have to do to pay the bills and such but the way I see it when I get off the final stop on this ride called life I want to be able to say yes I did hold up my end of being a responsible person and worked hard but I think what's going to be more important and mean more is being able to say yes I did stop and smell the roses, literally and figuratively, that I did take the time to do stuff with the ones I care about and even that I was kind to that stranger and who knows by doing those little things it might have made a huge impact on the other person and even if worse case scenario it didn't you still made memories and those are priceless. I guess I sound like a 90 year old woman that's sitting in a nursing home talking about days gone by. I always have felt like an old soul.. Don't get me started on the manners of people nowadays! (if that was said it would be said in my best old lady voice) Either way I just want to do my best at hurrying up and slowing down. Life goes by way to fast as it is I don't need to rush it along and end up one day looking back saying wow, I wish I would've taken the time to tell so and so this and done something with them while I had the chance.  Maybe a more accurate song to say I feel like I'm living is Grandpa (Tell Me 'Bout The Good Ol' Days) by The Judds

Magenta

I've been in a blah kind of mood for way to many days now, or magenta as Blanche described it in an episode of The Golden Girls. I hate those kinds of moods because...well it just isn't a fun mood. I never really know what to do with myself at those times. I have an even more difficult time than normal being content or finding something to do that I can stay focused on. It's almost like all those little mini-mes in my head got bored so they thought it'd be funny and go through all of the little file cabinets in my brain and rearrange my thoughts, misplacing them and jumbling them all up. When that got boring they thought let's just throw all of the papers up and see where they land so I'm stuck trying to get a proper thought together and get everything back in its place. For some reason the thought of mini-mes running around in my head doing that kind of amuses me. One day last week I had someone ask what was up but I couldn't get around to actually talking. If I had just one more minute I might would have but alas during the time of trying to figure out how to say what I wanted to say and if I even should the decision was made for me because others came up talking to that person. It's the curse of being quiet/shy/introverted/backwards/all of the above or whatever you want to call it I suppose. So anyway I really needed to just try to find somewhere where I could be myself and attempt to write. I have this place I go walking sometimes and the trail goes around farm land and it's a fairly quiet place that has benches placed every so far apart. That is where I found myself the other day in trying to write. I got to write a little bit but what really helped was just being there surrounded by the scenery and just taking that in. The great thing about blah moods are that they do eventually pass and it makes me greatly appreciate that song, book, scenery, some random thing that makes you finally have a hearty laugh, or maybe even a persons hug that helps bring you out of that magenta zone.