Can't sleep so I write

I suppose writing on here for a little bit is better than staring at the cclock,  wall,  or ceiling all while wishing I could get some sleep.  I got a couple of  things I have been  thinking about while trying to will my subconscious back to sleep.

Life really is like a book but it doesn 't come with a table of contents so you don't know how many chapters your book will have or how long each chapter will be.  I don't know maybe we spend so much time worrying over if we'll get to spend as long as we want to in a certain chapter we end up wasting the chapter and only have spotty memories.  Maybe certain chapters last longer and are repeated way to often. I recently heard it said at a funeral that we are all preaching our own funerals right now.  Which I never really thought of it but there is quite a bit of truth to that.  Back to the book analogy.  I think we all want that book with so many pages it's a workout to move it from the shelf to the table and it has the beautifully illustrated cover with fancy font to tell the story.  We think this must be a grand story but sometimes those kind of books can be disappointing. Some of the best stories can come from the books with the worn cover so tattered and faded on the outside but when you open it up oh what a story there is.  The best part is when you think it's over but you turn the page and realize there is an epilogue.  I think all of our stories have an epilogue. So many think a good story has to be told in at least a certain amount of words but some of the most remembered and treasured books don 't always have a lot of chapters or words. No matter how many chapters my book has or how many words it has I want them all to make a difference but most importantly I want my epilogue to be the best chapter of it all.

Occasionally I'll have people say I should  publish a poem or something.  I just always think they are being nice and put it far away in my mind. I use loads of excuses but most recently I was sent some information and I'm leaning ever so slightly to what if.  I recently went through all of my old writings and did some editing.  Ironically enough as I was writing them in a journal to give to a friend I thought maybe , just maybe,  one day I could self publish a book albeit a very short one at this point.  Well if nothing else and I 'm sure it's  all it will be but it is something neat to ponder on.

Thanksgiving

I have a few different things I want to write about and my mind can't decide which one to stay focused on long enough to write first. It would possibly help if I didn't have so many thoughts and them speeding around my head like the a kid that got that extra piece of cake with loads of icing. I guess since in a couple of days it will be Thanksgiving holiday I'll start with the thought focused on that first.

I try to find something most every day to be thankful for, I say most because some days I get so focused on the bad that I forget to be thankful or just flat out refuse to see any good that happened in the day. I figure this would be a good time to write a few of those things that I'm thankful for. I sometimes see/hear that people will go around at Thanksgiving dinner and say something they are thankful for. I always liked that idea, I mean I wouldn't want to actually talk and say what I was thankful for because that would put me in a shear panic but still it's a cool idea. I also like the thought of having a thankful jar or journal to write down good things that happened if for nothing else a reminder of how things worked out. Anyway, now that I wasted a few more sentences let me get on with what I'm thankful for. It's not a complete list and will be vague because I am not going to call out anyone by name but the point will still be made.Not only for this week but at the very least for this year I'm thankful for my health, my job, everything I need to survive (shelter, food and clean water to drink). I'm thankful for the few family that I know I can count on and for my church family because they really are like my family. I'm thankful for my friends and the true ones that are even there when I try to build walls and push them away. I'm thankful for my faith because it's helped me get through some times I wasn't sure I would be able to. There's more I'm sure I could add but really with what I listed what more does anyone really need besides books, oh I guess I could add that to my list as well because I'm really thankful I can read, have the ability to get books and not have to worry about hiding what I'm reading. That probably sounds pretty silly but hey if you can't be thankful for the little things how you going to be thankful for the big things.

I'm also thankful for the time I get to spend with those I care about because it doesn't happen as often as I wish it would. Which is a good lead way into my next topic. You'd think that after a certain age or time it would really sink in you just don't know how much time you got and you shouldn't put off a chance to go visit someone or tell them something. After several missed opportunities and some forever missed because the person has now passed on I still haven't fully grasped that concept. I just try not to beat myself up anymore about those missed chances and give it another go providing I get or can make another chance/time. Since I'm not much of a talker (I don't get enough credit for how much I can talk because no one ever really hears me but that's neither here nor there) so I hope and tell myself that my actions speak volumes and as long as I somehow show it makes up for what I don't actually say, or said but wasn't heard.

Lastly, I recently discovered a site that I'm quite fascinated with. I found out about it on Facebook when another page I liked shared a video from their page. The site is called Call Me Ishmael (callmeishmael.com/)  and you can call a designated telephone number and leave an anonymous voice mail about a book you love and the story behind why it has made such an impact on your life. Then someone transcribes the voice mail and makes a video of it. The first one I saw was a person remarking the impact that The Diary of  a Young Girl by Anne Frank had made on them. Since that video I have went to the website and watched several other videos. I've not read any of the books (with the exception of The Diary of a Young Girl) but I still find it fascinating to hear peoples stories of why they originally started reading the book and the impact it ended up having on their lives. Be it in person or something like this I love hearing the positive impact books have had on people. I've always loved books, they are my time machine and have taken me many places and given me advice and encouragement at times when I just couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone.

Here I go writing again....

I think I may take this reading to serious, I really do question this every time I finish a book. Needless to say I finished The Walk series by Richard Paul Evans. Walking on Water was the last book in the series and definitely one that should have came with a warning that the reader should proceed with caution because you may cry, laugh and/or get a few nuggets of advice that you didn't even ask for or know you needed. Actually I know several books that could use that warning. In this last installment of the series Alan is heading back to Pasadena after he finds out his father has had a heart attack. Most of the book focuses on Alan and his fathers relationship and him discovering things about his father that he never knew. He even finds connections between his ancestors and even his father that are kind of those it really is a small world type things after all. Ultimately, Alan finds his way back to the small town where he had to abruptly stop his walk to go be with his father and now he realizes just how close he truly is to finishing this journey. In one part of the book he walks through St. Augustine and it was neat reading about the places I've been fortunate enough to see. Kind of made me want to go back. Besides making you think of how everyone we meet attributes to our own story in one way or another this series may (or may not depending on who he is meeting at the moment) make you want to travel and/or make you hungry because the author talks a lot about the foods Alan eats along his journey. For me some of the most peculiar meetings with people happens in the last two books but that is one of those things that will be different for everyone. Without giving much away Alan completes his journey and gets his happy ending. You don't really find out anymore about most of the people he met along the way but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. If I had a complaint to make it would be that the end felt a bit rushed. You spend so much time learning about Alan's father and so little with the last part of the journey and what happens in Key West. However, I guess it's as Jane Austen said, if a book is well written, I always find it too short.

So here's a few things I got while reading this series: 

• We're all on a journey, some may have started for a particular reason but as time has went on the reasons may have changed
• Sooner or later we may find that every hindrance, every road block and detour that we encounter on our journey isn't always something to discourage us but ultimately is just another part of the journey. A way to get us where we needed to be at that time even if we didn't know it.
• Don't assume you know people's stories
• Everyone does have a story
• Everyone we meet adds and sometimes takes away from our story and ultimately leaves some kind of mark on our journey.
• We all have more in common than we sometimes want to admit but we should use those commonalities to strengthen each other because otherwise divided we fall (there is an interesting part towards the end of the book  where this is brought up, it is well written and very true)

Lastly, see I wasn't exaggerating that I may take the reading thing to serious! I guess I look at reading not only as a way to go to different lands and times but an opportunity to learn something, many times about myself. I'm always a little sad for a book/series to end but I got many more books and journeys (real and ones that are written) to take. 

Some days you just need to vent...today is that day.

Today is one of those days I really, really wish my grandma was still alive because it would be great to still have her around but I could really use one of her hugs. If you want to continue reading let this be your warning that this is just going to be a venting post because my mind is getting a bit cluttered and I need to clear it up a bit.

Growing up I heard when you reach a certain age you get out of high school, another age you get a job, an average age you should be married have a family and so on and so forth. My question is when do some people reach the age that they quit blaming everyone else for their problems and accept some of their own responsibility or at the very least move on. Let me say this I ain't talking about the issues and things that happened to you that no one should go through or that you had absolutely no control over whatsoever. Those things unfortunately happen but then again I suppose even with those you have to reach a point and not blame anyone, including, if not most importantly yourself. Funny how when things happen to you especially out of your control that you can spend so much time blaming yourself thinking that it was somehow your fault, you deserved it. Anyway, that's a whole other topic. My thing is the people that waste their lives blaming others for something they never got, that they felt they were entitled to. Blaming someone because they now nor never did have a good job, that type thing. This bothers me even more when you blame someone that has been dead and gone for years and ain't even around to defend themselves. Even if the reason is justified and there is truth to it there comes a point where there is no denying there was at least one opportunity a job could have been gotten even if it wasn't a job you liked or wanted. Oh but it is so much more easier to blame others and push the responsibility on someone else then to take the consequences upon ourselves. Gotta keep the conscience clear somehow don't we? Truthfully I think that's what it all boils down to, we do what we gotta do to keep our own conscience clear and for many that is to cast off blame and responsibility to others even if we gotta keep blaming the dead. Even if there is some truth to some of the blame we put off on others there still comes a time where you got just accept and move on. I guess I'm just a firm believer that everything happens for a reason sometimes, okay quite often, because of my own stupidity and arrogance in thinking I know it all so I then take the same roads and turns a lot of times before I'm like okay fine which road do you want me to take and I listen to that little voice in my head finally. The thing that bothers me so much about these people that live their lives blaming others is that they are so blinded by what they don't have or what they feel they have missed out on they can't even see the blessings staring at them. No you may not have that great paying job, the new car, that way to big house like your neighbors that you covet, but why don't you look around at what you do have. Over the years you read these stories of people that seemingly don't have anything, they'll be living out of their cars but for them they are rich beyond measure. These people that are constantly give me, give me give me or complaining because yeah they got heat but it's expensive and if they could get this other kind it would be better it gets to the point that you feel you just can't help them that there is no pleasing them. No matter what they have they'll see something that is better that they wished they had. I don't understand, I truly don't and God how I have tried to. Am I always grateful and happy with what I have, no I'm not if I'm honest and I know we all have those days that's not my point, but it becomes a serious problem when you stay in that ungrateful state of mind. You live there long enough it's like you have tunnel vision and all you can see in that tunnel is what others have when in that dark space that you can't shine a light at to see you have so many things to be grateful for. If you can't appreciate the little things and the roads it takes to get and often times keep those things how is getting those big things going to make it better, how can you appreciate them if you were to ever get them? Nine times out of ten if they were to get it they'd find something wrong with that thing within five minutes to five months and be wanting something else and still be in that miserable state. Do I have everything I want? No I don't. Do I have every thing I need? I absolutely do and that's what's most important, at least to me.I don't know I'm probably looking at it wrong but the way I see it there comes a time in your life where move on to the best of your ability and that does not mean the wrongs won't come back and bother you at times and you play the what if game but you got to decide to move on and decide that it got me to the road I'm on now might not be the one I want to travel on but I'm going to make it to my destination whatever comes my way and I'll learn from the wrongs and mistakes but most importantly I'm gonna be grateful for it all. Cause without the bad you can't appreciate the good, you can't even find the good.Again I ain't talking about the things that we have no control over but with everything you have a choice at how you are going to view it. You can constantly use it as a crutch to prevent you from walking and going where you want or should (even if that means you tried and fell flat on your face, you tried and that sometimes means more than what would have happened if you had made it). or you can get to the point and you just write that lesson learned down in the big book of experience and you toss that crutch away and run free from that which is holding you back. To many people are walking around with chains shackled to their feet blaming others for hiding the key when they can't even see all along they've been holding the key in their hand.

And that's all I have to say about that, thank you for reading my little ranting.

I write therefore I must be bored

Pete and Repeat was sitting on a bench writing one day. Pete couldn't think of anything to write so he  put away his notebook and left. Repeat didn't have anything new to write but wanted to write and decided there was enough of a few old subjects that could be rewritten that you think it sounds familiar but enough is different you keep on reading anyway. This is what you got stuck with reading, if you so choose to continue.

Well I started this yesterday with the intention of writing aimlessly about a subject but didn't get a chance to finish it and now that I'm starting writing on it again I feel I need to go another route. For the record the previous subject was just going to be about  how we feel such a connection to characters in television shows and/or books and are so critical of how said character is portrayed. You know the whole they would never say, wear, or do that. Or how certain characters can remind you of people you know in real life....blah, blah blah..but new day, new thought and  I thought that is probably boring, and though that's not stopped me before I decided to just write something else.  Which is a long drawn out way of saying I don't really have anything to write but I want to write so I am so just winging it and living up to the ramblings of a quiet girl.

The other day I had to go to the dentist, something I dread long before it is time for me to even go in for my cleanings. I mention this because my dentist asked if my teeth were sensitive and I said yes (well as well as one can talk). I was thinking it was quite ironic and kind of fitting that even my teeth are sensitive  since I have such a highly sensitive personality. I have to take whatever my mind gives me to think about to ease my anxiety of being at the dentist. I also mention that simply because I still wasn't sure what else to write.

The nice autumn weather has finally turned to plain old cold and I have officially entered the I'm ready for spring weather. I try to find something good in every situation, I fail as often as I pass on that one, perfect example is the cold weather. Although having a warm place to stay, the comfy hoodies/sweaters and hot chocolate make it tolerable.

Sometimes as I'm driving I'll see people walking or even the people I pass in the store and there are times I wonder about their story. What brought them to that store that day or where is it that they are walking to. I was recently in a car with someone and they saw someone walking and they said something along the lines of I don't know but they look like someone that has done drugs at one point in their life. To which I said wow really, that's kind of mean. In reality we've all at one point or another said/thought something very judgmental about someone we've seen in passing (it can get even worse if you actually know the person). I wonder why we do that. I wonder why I have such a fascination at figuring out why we, or at least I do that. Is it something about that person that we see a trait that we've seen someone else do, are we just trying to focus on others supposed downfalls to take away from our own, or a number of other reasons. I'll probably never know why but it does make me wonder what others perceive when they see me. Perhaps there is always a little bit of truth about how we perceive those we see but the truth isn't necessarily about the person but ourselves and how we choose to look at people or even ourselves.  I guess I think to much about this but each time it seems we as a society take a step in the right direction to focus on the person and not the looks we take so many steps backwards.I can't change societies way of thinking but I do have control over my own and how I view people. I want to be able to look at people and not come to preconceived judgements based solely on what they are wearing (or not), their hairstyle, or even the way they walk. We're all stories, sometimes people take a quick glance at us and think they know the story but they aren't even getting the summary on the back cover. Not sure what people see when they look at me and what story they come up with but as Richard Castle says, don't ruin my story with your logic!

The Walk

As I've previously mentioned I'm currently reading five books in a series called The Walk by Richard Paul Evans. I've just started the fourth book and already will definitely recommend this series. The great thing about finding a series late is you don't have to wait forever for the books to be published. Basic synopsis without to many spoilers is it's about Alan Christofferson and his journey to live again. He loses everything, his wife, his business (that was stolen from him by his business partner), his house and his cars. His wife dies from complications from a accident and before she dies she makes Alan promise her that he will live again. After the funeral and going through the emotions he decides to walk to Key West. On his walk he journals not only the places he walks but the people he meets on the way. A couple of things that are really making an impact and just adding on about how I've always kind of looked at this journey. At one point in one of the books he makes the statement of how he thought a certain person he met it was so he could help them but it was actually so she could help him. I think that happens a lot. People go in a situation thinking they are going to help the person, kind of be the hero, and they end up getting more help and leave the situation with more than what they started with. I've done this before but the big one that I had one of my shut up get out of my head moments was when I would read the few times he would ask himself why, why is this person helping me? He would ask it specifically for a couple of people but also for just the random people that did things to help him out. I'm constantly asking myself that question. I have those few people that are willing to listen to me, are there when I ask and those times that pride won't let me ask for help and I always find I'm wondering why they are willing to do it. Now I have a bad habit of thinking what do you want and/or waiting for the bottom to fall out from under me when/if I start getting close and comfortable around people. I've struggled with it for years but thank God I'm getting better at ignoring those fears because 99.5% of it is just fear. However, I'm so thankful for them, for those times that when I try to push them away they will still say I'm here for you whenever you want to talk. You know in the past year or so I've learned so much about myself and I think I've truly matured and grown as a person.  A big part of that is because I've let things go (all together now in your best Elsa....Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well now they know.Let it go, let it go,Can't hold it back anymore....sorry couldn't help myself!) Seriously though I have noticed that a weight has been unloaded because I'm not carrying a load that wasn't mine to carry to begin with. So my point was everyone we meet on our journey, even if we aren't walking from Seattle to Key West, Florida, we meet them for a reason and I truly believe that. I have so many examples of why I stand on that and just as many of those examples come from strangers I've met one time as well as those people that started out as strangers but I now have the privilege of calling my friend.And I think that is the answer to why are you helping me...we can't get through this walk called life by ourselves and be it a stranger or a friend everyone has a purpose and a part in this walk. So if you read and are looking for a good series to start go to your library, bookstore, or friend that has a copy and start reading. Wherever your walk takes you try to make the best of it.

Just A Poem I Wrote

So I haven't been able to write anything (except emails bothering a couple people) but last night I was finally able to write something. Now as I say I am a Christian and this has that kind of theme. I ain't trying to force my beliefs on anyone but this is one of my most honest poems about my life and walkin my faith. This and Quiet Girl are probably my most sincere and honest writings. So if you want to read it continue but remember I don't claim to be a writer definitely not a good one but I got to get my thoughts out. Just like my posts I don't know what to title it yet.



For many years I've worn a mask
To the truth I thought I had a firm grasp
But I was using a lie as a shield
The real me I wanted kept concealed

Many said, 'Don't ever change.'
But I knew I couldn't stay the same
I lived my life full of fears and lies
That those mountains I couldn't climb

Until I put away my pride
For my life needed a new guide
Then I was told about Christ
And I saw things in a new light

You see God's grace and mercy
Could love and forgive a mess like me
So it was then all of my sins I confessed
The peace I felt I can't fully express

Since then many times I've fallen down
But by my sins I am not bound
Through the blood of Christ chains are broken
I cry out for forgiveness all my sins forgotten

I had to write something here....and this is all I could think of

 3, 2...1 for all and all for 1
Times will be bad, times will be good. Things I wish I hadn’t done and some I wish I would cutting through the American noise. You’ve got a voice and a song to sing (and a song to sing)...No matter who you are you’ve got a voice. Why don’t you use it, sing your own song take all the noise and make it into music. (American Noise)


Sometimes you just got to start out a post with a song lyric. I had this plan to write out this big thing about masks and how we all wear one to a certain degree. If you say you don't I would ask you when was the last time someone asked how you were doing and you said fine when you was so far away from being fine you couldn't even see it in the horizon but you said you was fine and even put on a fine show of acting like it. Seems to me that's the most common mask people wear. Masks and labels, two things if we could get rid of we might be able to get to know and understand people a bit better. I at least understand masks more than I do labels. To me a mask is like a shield. You wear it to protect you, which can mean many different things for each person. A label is used to just cause division and give you a clear conscience of why it's okay for you not to associate with someone. Awhile back I wrote a post about labels (March 2013). Personally, I wish we could get rid of both of them. There are a select few that I'll take my mask off and be myself around for a brief time. You got to be careful about wearing the mask for to long cause you could soon forget and lose all those amazing, unique things that makes you who you are. And that's all I have to say about that, well it's all I'm going to write about it anyway.

About a month ago I had wrote a post about how life was like a puzzle and how I was working on completing a puzzle. At least in my head that analogy still proves to be true and I went over it a lot as I was trying to complete that puzzle. Shockingly enough I actually stuck with that project and completed it a few days ago. Funny how while I'm working on something I'll think I'll never get finished, get frustrated and have to walk away, want to give up, come back and start working on it again and make great progress, get side tracked by other things, find my way back and ultimately I complete the project and get excited that I accomplished something all for it to end with now what do I do. That statement could also easily describe my life at least at times or maybe it could describe it as it is all of the time. Now I just got to figure out how to frame it and all that goes with that because I am not taking that apart and putting it back in the box. Besides the box it came in is really cool and I can use it to keep stuff in. In case you were wondering the puzzle was from The Wizard of Oz, only one of my (many) favorite movies, but only one of the few that I can never get tired of watching.

A-Typing I will Go....

You always hear that everyone knows everyone and their business when you live in a small town but I can prove that is not always true by voting. Yes, I said  I could prove that isn't true by voting. This morning I went to vote and the lady asked my name and when I told her she asked if I had any ID because I didn't look familiar to her. I've even heard someone say something about me and the person they were talking to would proceed to exclaim 'Who?' complete with a look of bewilderment and for the briefest of moments it looks like this person has an imaginary friend. I rather like the fact that not to many people seem to know me. The less people I know, the less chances of rumors and the like are to be started! I imagine there are people I went to school with that don't even know who I am. For the people that do know me the most popular words to describe me are the quiet or weird one. And I do own both of those descriptions quite well. Back to the lady that asked for my ID, have you ever seen someone that looked so familiar but in the files of people you know or have seen you just can't seem to place their face with a name of who they may be or at least of who they remind you of. It's frustrating when you never can remember who a person is it's kind of amusing when minutes, hours or days later when the name suddenly comes to you which then usually goes into you having to figure out why this random name popped in your mind.

It's only been a few days since the time went back an hour and I want to go back to the other time. Give me a little bit when it starts getting cold and I won't care, or care as much anyway. One good thing is that I have been waking up before the alarm goes off so I don't have to hear it blaring at me. At least I can use it getting dark at 4 o'clock to my advantage and catch up on reading because there's not much else to do. Speaking of which I started reading The Walk series last night. I think I am going to love this series. It's written in diary form which I have always loved to read books written like that. I also will be reading Lizzie & Jane by Katherine Reay which I am super excited to start as well. I loved her first book Dear Mr. Knightley and have been anxiously awaiting her second book. When I went to the bookstore to get it I was worse than a kid in a candy store. I saw no less than ten books that I would love to read. I was proud of myself that I only got that one book though. This is why I'm glad I can't get used to reading on a Kindle or Nook type of device because I'm not sure I could stop myself from buying all of these books as easily as I can when I'm at the store.Not to mention I am such a dork that I just really love walking through a bookstore, I'll take that over going to a store shopping for clothes any day.

Lastly, I'm not sure if it's the cooler weather, my age is trying to trick me and make me feel older than I am or what but I'm having a major I feel old stage. This morning I woke up and finally have had to break down and try to use some of that pain relieving cream. My first thought about this was I am to young to smell this old. I don't know why the smell of that stuff makes me think of old people. It doesn't even really seem to help, just makes you smell...old. 


A-Typing I will now stop :)

It's That Time of Year Again...

Is it just me or do the stores try to shove the holidays in your face earlier each year? Around here at least one radio station has started playing Christmas music 24/7 a mere day after Halloween, actually it was more like minutes. Now I love the Christmas songs and decorations those are my favorite but when did it become so commercialized? Always, probably and I am just to naive toalways see it. It is so much more about who has spent the most instead of time with loved ones. If you are able and want to spend money on gifts for people I think that's great but when it's to the point of just bragging about it than no I don't uunderstand that. But I don't understand bragging anyway but that's a whole other thought. For me it isn't about the gifts, I actually dislike when people ask me what I want because I just don't know what to say. I don't want people to waste their money on me they should spend it on themselves. With that being said I truly am grateful and appreciate when people do think of me and get me a gift because it is the thought that counts. It shows they saw something and thought of me and got it for me. With the stores playing Christmas music and putting up signs of how many Fridays are left before Christmas I can't fully enjoy the holiday season anymore. All I feel is pressure to buy items and my poor brain is at a loss of what to get anyone. I did buy one gift today not sure I'm completely happy about it but it should work. I would like to add one last thought to all of this. We all need to remember this is a difficult time of year for many folks. There's nothing like the holidays to make you miss loved ones that have passed away more than just about any time of the year. So if you have a friend, neighbor, co-worker or family member that has a difficult time around the holidays why don't you take the time to stop by or call and at least say hello, it could make a bigger difference then you can imagine to let them know they have someone to talk to and perhaps for the briefest of moments take their thoughts off of the hurt. And perhaps you could even remember the homeless shelters and donate any of those blankets or coats you never use or wear anymore. I plan on doing that this year. It is the least I can do because no one deserves to be cold or not have a good coat to wear and I can't say someone should donate items or their time without being willing to do so myself. Whatever you do for the holidays and no matter how fast the stores and time itself tries to rush it remember that the people you are buying the gift for are more important then what you buy and making memories with them will last much longer and make a bigger impact then that great find in the store.