A bridge to cross

It's only the fear that makes you run....probably sounds weird to say but I've always liked that line from a song because it just resonates so much with me. I tend to hide within myself a lot and sometimes it's due to fear but as often it's just who I am, kind of a fine line some days to know which it is. One day while I was supposed to be working (I was technically working, my mind was just also occupied with other thoughts as well) I had a thought occur to me because I like to have my best thoughts at the worst times. What brought the thought about I couldn't really tell you now but it was basically about knowing and doing something and how there is a bridge that connects the two (it could even be said for knowing and believing). It was kind of about my anxiety that I have and how I know it's really no big deal to do something (talking for example) but for me to cross that bridge to actually do so is not so easy. I'll just type it here the way it came to me and I wrote it down that day.....Once the hurdle is crossed (I quiet the thoughts that aren't helping me take that first step) then I got to do the doing which involves walking across that bridge. I start walking and face so many obstacles. I take a step on the bridge and suddenly the bridge that was concrete turns into a swinging bridge with wood and ropes that do no look stable and is swaying way to much. In my heart I know I'm still on the concrete bridge, the problem is quieting my fears and sometimes blocking out the voices of the people on the shoreline (you know the ones that keep repeating it's no big deal, just get over it, etc. to which you just want to shout thanks Sherlock don't need any help deducing the situation right now because at that moment it may not be a big deal but it feels like your very own personal apocalypse). I always assume I cause myself a lot of unnecessary problems while trying to cause this bridge but whatever the cause the fear, anxiety, and other reasons manage to make it seem like the bridge could collapse if I take another step. So I usually run back to where I started, only to look back and see that yes in fact the bridge still is that solid concrete with smooth pavement, maybe even nice little lampshades to guide your way if you so choose to travel at night (which could be a bit ironic since sometimes symbolically you have to travel this bridge in some dark moments in your life). It is at this moment in noticing the normal bridge that I often kick myself and well I just feel like a failure sometimes even if it is just for the briefest of moments. It is then that I keep trying to cross the bridge, fighting those fears and irrational reasons that keep giving excuses as to why I shouldn't cross. It has been my experience that often times the greater the fear and excuses as to why you shouldn't cross the more reason and reward you will get when you do manage to get across. So I keep trying even though I have the fear that no doubt some point the bridge will become that unstable crossing. I have even managed to get across the bridge and on those days my worst day ever turns into the best day ever, perhaps not because my circumstances instantly change for the better but I quieted one or more fears that had been hindering me from crossing the bridge. Unfortunately, I do tend to keep running back even when I make it to the other side, the side of the bridge I so very much would like to preside on for longer than I ever allow myself to stay. Funny how when you run back to the side with your fears, anxieties, well your comfort zone, the bridge always stays concrete and looks perfect and is easy to run back on. That should be my clue to not go back but to often I do. However, I choose not to beat myself up to much for running back to that old side or even if I have to try multiple times to get completely across the bridge (well I'll try to not beat myself up to much, I'll put it that way because some days I will be to tough on myself). As long as I'm continuously trying to get across the bridge I'm okay it's the day I stop trying that I have a big problem. Each time I try to cross, successfully or not,  I am facing a fear, anxiety, depression, etc and each time I expose each one a little more for what it is - a lie. And each time I face one and maybe even get lucky and push one off of the bridge to hopefully drift far away in the water to never come back I'm able to consistently see the bridge for the safe haven to cross to the side I need/want to be on. Will I ever be able to cross that bridge without any fears/anxieties/etc? I have no idea.

Often throughout my life I've always felt older than my age and I just felt like an old soul. I don't believe it's a bad thing and has actually possibly been another piece of the puzzle to figure out me because Lord knows I have so many layers that it is insane. Anyway, another example of my random thoughts these few lines came to me yesterday (again while I was working...working and driving seem to be the times these thoughts love to pop in my head). It's rare for me to say but I rather like it and kind of hope I can possibly add to it at some point (while working or driving of course!). Here is that thought:

The mirror shows a young face

But the eyes aren't the same

They hide an old soul

That not everyone knows