Never a dull moment in my dreams....

This post is really more of  an ongoing conversation I've been having with myself since I woke up from a dream I had this morning in hopes that by writing it down I can make more sense of it. Consider that a warning of the mess you are about to read if you continue. My dreams can be very random and most of the time just leave me waking up trying to remember what I ate the night before that may have helped cause such crazy, irrational dreams and then there are the times that I have a dream that I think there is more to it than an over active imagination combine with an over active REM sleep cycle. For example, since my grandma passed away ten years ago I have had four dreams with her in it and all of them brought some kind of peace and maybe even a little closure in it's own way. As I said, I'm not one to read to much in to my dreams because most of them would make me call the guys with the straight jackets but I really do believe that there are times that there is something to the things we dream. Which brings me to what brought this all about in the first place. Last night I had a dream with my friend Tony that passed away in December and as far as I can remember this is the first time he's ever showed up in a dream but especially since he passed away. Somehow Tony, his wife, daughter and I end up sitting at a table together talking and after something is said amongst his wife and daughter Tony says, 'Would you all quit talking about me like I'm not here.' Then we end up somewhere else with more people and Tony is cutting up like he always did and he finally says something along the lines of  'I gotta go now but I'll see you all later.' and he's gone and I wake up. Oh and I can't end this post without saying this, I wish I could have a picture of what he looked like in my dream but maybe my words will describe it good enough. Have you ever seen a kid open a gift to find out it was a toy or something they have wished with all their might to get? You know that excitement that shines on their face and in their eyes? Well that's the look that Tony had, the happiness and excitement just shown from within him. So now I'm wondering, was this just another dream, was it a dream I should share with his wife (would it even help her if I told her about it) or am I, as I usually do, just over thinking this whole thing? I don't know maybe I do need a visit from the guys with the happy pills and the straight jacket or something. Perhaps it's one of those things I should keep to myself...and now who ever reads this. 

Friends/Family

I've probably wrote about this many times before but it seems I stick with the same subjects when writing any way so why break tradition now. At least where I'm from the saying is always used that blood is thicker than water when talking about being close to family and sticking by them. This post, however, is about my bonus family - those people that are your friends but so much more too - so I'll call them my bonus family. If I'm perfectly honest there are several of these people that I'm closer to than my blood related family, which isn't to say that I don't love my family or any thing. I think we some times work and wait our whole life to find those kinds of friends, or to at least find the ones that are in it for the long haul. I don't make it easy to become a friend of mine, at least I don't feel like I do, because I take a long time to open up. Maybe it's a self conscience way of testing people to see if they'll stick around. I have had to many people leave when I get close to them and open up so I try to keep my guard up to a certain degree. I have noticed lately that I am finally opening up and letting my guard down and being myself with certain people. Scares me because in the back of my mind I'm thinking what's going to happen. However, I know we're not promised tomorrow and I don't want to waste time worrying about that and miss the opportunity to spend time with people and be able to tell them what they mean to me or show them by helping them in some way. I appreciate the fact that all these people haven't given up on me, are there to encourage me and will always ask me to do stuff with them even though I may say no several times (not because I don't want to do stuff with them but it is that hard for me to say yes and open up at times). Some, actually most of them, I haven't known my whole life but only in the past seven years or so but I don't think it is about how long you've known some one that makes a friendship strong I recently found something on line that explained what a person's friendship truly meant to me in a way that I just couldn't bring myself to say to them. I think it also explains what kind of friend I want to be to others. And if by now your curiosity is getting the best of you what was on the picture, I will  finally put it to rest. This is what it said: I just wanted to say thank you. For what, you ask? Thank you for making my world a better place, thank you for taking the time to listen to my problems though you had to set aside your own....thank you for proving people still do care, thank you for being my friend... . So today I am thankful for my bonus family that have been so much more than just a friend and I think I've rambled on enough about that.

Goals

I think it's safe to say every one goes through a time in their life where they are trying to figure out who they are and where they are going. Some times people find out early on and are content for the rest of their lives, some it takes longer to figure out and than I think there are some that you know who and where you want to be but you work on it your whole life. I think I fall in the last one and I used to think that was a bad thing because I was having to always work on it but now I see that having to continually work on something to achieve a goal is good but it is bad when you stop working and trying to achieve whatever you want.It's kind of sad how much time we can waste in our lives trying to fit in and belong or be who we think we're supposed to be only to find out that you can put every thing you have in being what others say you should be and they will always find something that isn't right and you need to fix. I truthfully admire those that realize early on in life that you can't be the person every one wants you to be because it's impossible to be pulled in that many directions and fulfill all those obligations. It has taken me longer than it should have to realize that I have to be the person to decide who I want to be and what I want to do and I got to always be ready and prepared to work very hard at getting there. I can't let some one else do the work and expect the reward. Admittedly, it does seem to work for some like that but even if I could figure out how to do that I don't want it like that. When I set goals for myself and I finally reach them part of my elation is for finally completing my goal but the biggest part is in looking back and seeing all the obstacles I conquered to get there. Letting others do the hard work and you receiving the reward is a lazy way out, it's like being in a marathon but hiding out at the finish line to dart out and crossing the finish line just before the person that has run the full course can cross the finish line. You get the trophy but you didn't earn it. So even though I may see a huge hill that I just don't think I can get over to reach my goal I'm going to keep walking up it and no matter how many times I have to stop I won't quit until I cross that finish line.

Old Pictures

I love looking through old photographs even if they are of people I may not know, which probably sounds really weird. If they are of people I don’t know I like to imagine what they were doing the day they got their picture taken and what their life may have been like. Looking through pictures is a visual trip back in time. Many times growing up and even now I’d get my grandma’s photo albums out and start looking through them. Often I wouldn’t know who the person in the photograph was so I would ask who ever was at the house at the time. Occasionally, I would get a response of ‘I don’t know who it is either.’ and than other times I would get the most treasured of all responses, ‘Oh, that’s so-and-so, he or she is your (fill in the blank with a family relation)…’ and it would continue with a story, or stories about the person and an event that happen long ago. I guess it’s the part of me that loves reading but I could sit and listen for hours at a time of people telling stories about when they were growing up, especially the older generation. To often times we over look them and don’t want to take the time to listen to their stories or wisdom of what they learned from all of the things they have been through. I have some family members that have passed away and what I wouldn’t give to be able to sit down with them again and hear their stories. When my grandma got sick and fought her last round with cancer I so desperately wanted to sit with her and write down every little story she would tell me. To this day I truly regret not doing that. I have memories of a few of the stories still hanging out in my memory cabinets but not near as many as she told to me the short seventeen years I had with her. Another thing I wish I had more of are pictures of my grandma and of some more people. I personally despise having my picture taken and will do every thing I can and fight some one as long as I can before I will have my picture taken but if I had the opportunity again I’d take a lot more with my grandma. In fact, there is only one other person I truly hope to one day get around and get a picture taken with and no it’s no one famous but it is a good friend. I recently heard a lady say she carries around a picture of her son with her and some times when no one is looking she’ll get the picture out and kiss it. She said she didn’t do it because it was a piece of paper but because of whose picture was printed on that piece of paper and because she loved her son and was missing him. So often that’s why I’ll get out the old photo albums and look through them. I know the pictures can’t bring the person back but when I look at what’s printed on that paper for a time I can be with them again. Some times the pictures in our minds of people or even things aren’t as clear as we want but we can pull out those pictures and have that clear view of them again and if we’re really lucky some forgotten memory or story will be once again remembered. A little while  back I  had this happen to me and I would say it was an accident but I’m not so sure that would be true. I had gotten on Facebook and was looking through some old pictures I had uploaded to see if I could delete any when I came across a picture I had uploaded from when I was younger. It had some comments on it so I was reading through them before I made my final decision whether or not to delete that picture. A few comments down I see a picture and the name of my friend Tony who passed away this past December. I hadn’t even read the comment yet but by just getting to see his picture again it made me smile because it brought back the memories of him picking on me and than I read the comment and as I continued to smile tears began to roll down my face. I say all of this to just really say don’t ever just look at a picture and see a bunch of pixels combined to create an image because money can’t purchase those treasure memories that are held within those pixels.

As I was writing this post it reminded me of this song by The Judds:

Ever seen...

It appears I'm on a kick of starting my sentences with 'ever see...' so I figured why not write a post about it. Ever seen someone really searching for something to write about!

It all started when I was at the grocery store last night and I saw an old guy in desperate need of a chill pill, actually he could've also used a good smack in the head too, like Gibbs does to DiNozzo on NCIS. Kind of makes you wish they would invent a chill pill or since so many are in need of it but most are to proud to admit it maybe they could just invent it as a spray and disguise it as an air freshener. Back to the guy though, he really was being a hateful jerk to his wife and talking down to her over things that wasn't in her control. I seriously felt bad for her on so many levels and how sad that man thinks that's how you treat someone and no doubt it makes him feel inferior. I'll happily be called an old maid and stay single forever instead of being in a marriage like that. I know it's not a simple get out of the marriage situation for the women involved and how they got there is many levels deep of a lot of baggage at times. My main point without getting to deep and thought provoking was just that some people seriously need to quit taking life so seriously and just relax and not stress over the things we have no control over, like the cookies that guy wanted being out of stock.

Fast forward to me driving back home when I see my second 'ever seen...' moment. Ever seen a bunch of birds sitting on an electric wire and imagine them having a conversation. Some times I think they may be talking about their close calls with cars that day or if they were lucky enough to make someone feel bad and throw them a french fry at McDonalds. Or maybe they are scoping out the cars in the parking lot and daring each other to go leave a nice little present on the hood or windshield of the car that just came from the car wash. Birds some how know this just like it never fails to rain after you wash your car.

My final 'ever seen..' moment came this morning when I started work and opened my email. Ever seen those people that seem to get great enjoyment out of writing things (in this case) or saying things in a way to make it seem like you don't have enough sense to find your way out of a paper bag. I'm sorry my telepathy senses aren't what they used to be and constantly getting told different things doesn't exactly help. The most shocking of all, I am human and can make mistakes and do wrong....I'll wait while you gasp in shock at this realization......it always irks me when people make it like they are making fun of you because you messed up. I know it's probably not the case but people got to remember when you type an email you got to be a bit more cautious and thoughtful in how you word things. I'm still waiting on the sarcasm font which would help me a great deal. That one was more or less just used to get that off my chest because it was frustrating me.

Now I'm off to find my next 'ever seen...' moment.

To publish or not...that is the question

I recently finished rewriting the story that I thought I had finished back in November, so I guess I should use the term finished very loosely. Anyway, so far I've given a copy of it to two people to read  and I kind of feel like I'm back in school waiting to see what kind of grade I'll get on a report I worked really hard on. I was told by one person it should be published (I just gave the other person a copy of it last night so she hasn't had time to say anything yet), but I'm fairly sure that she was just being really, really nice about it. Although it did get me thinking (again) about looking into self publishing my poems and the two stories I have written. I've gone back and forth on it so many times in just the past few days that I'm just going to have to force myself to quit thinking about it before it drives me crazy. I just don't think my writing are that good or even something others would like to read but I do seem to be my own worst critic. My problem seems to be that I always think when people read something I have written and say it's good I automatically think they are just saying that to be nice and not hurt my feelings and I'm not sure how to completely get out of that mindset. I have posted a couple of my poems/writings on here and on Facebook which is a step I suppose. Obviously, not every one is going to like every thing I write, whatever it may be, which is fine. All I can keep thinking is I want to do more with my writing, at least improve it if nothing else. It's not like I want to make a career, or side career with writing but I....uh, this not thinking about it is already proving to be very hard. I must be off to try to find this off switch to my thinking

What is normal?

 Why do we always think we know what normal is and are constantly trying or thinking people should become that and if not there is something really wrong with them?  I've always had mixed feelings about  being that quiet, shy girl but most days I don't think I'd change if there was a magic button to push to make me however I think would be better. I actually like a lot of the things that people seem  to want to try and mae me change, like talking. It's not like I don't know how to talk or don't want to talk to people, with the exception of a few topics, I just don't particularly like to talk. Plus there are some people that it's easier to talk to than others. Some times I'd like to return the question of why don't you talk more with why don't you listen more because it is amazing what you can learn when you listen to people. Always makes me wonder where that book is that states what normal is. Wouldn't that be an interesting book, to say the least, if there was a book that had every one's definition of what a normal person is. Kind of makes me wonder how people would define normal if I was to ask them. I think to often we keep our definition of normal to constricted and perhaps that based on each persons comfort zone. Good example may be, I get really nervous and anxious around people that are really loud, have to get up in my personal bubble when talking or in other words the opposite of me but because being around them makes me have to get out of my comfort zone can I rightfully say that they aren't normal? I don't think so but I think if one was to honestly take a look at the list of the people they put in their not normal list it is mostly because they are people that make you have to be outside your comfort zone if you are around them. Looks like I'm going to have to add the question what is normal to my list of questions that will never be fully and truthfully answered. My normal may be abnormal to others but I like it and I don't think it is causing any harm to others and at the end of the day I think that's what's most important.

Just typing to be typing

I guess  I wasn't quite out of stuff to write about - so I just deleted my last post and will see how long my current thoughts last to make this post. Have you ever heard a song and thought, that would make such a great story for a book? One time I saw a picture that said something along the lines of  'why read when you can get the story in 3 minutes,' but that is just more of a reason to read a book in my opinion. I also think that most of my favorite songs are ones that tell a story. There's a song by Dolly Parton called Mountain Angel and it's one of my favorite songs that tell a story, she actually has a lot of songs that I like because they tell such great stories even if they some times are sad. I figure life isn't always perfect and happy so why have a song list that is, plus you got to have a song for any occasion that might come up in life to help you get through it when there is no friend to talk to. I often wonder what it is about music that, at least for me, the more I like the song the louder I tend to turn it up. Some thing about that just adds to it being even better, or maybe I just want to every one else to hear it so they can see how great of a song it is. If you think about it music and writing go hand in hand though. So often I've read or heard authors that say they listen to certain music while writing to help inspire them and such. Perhaps even some of the books I've read have came about because of a song the author heard. All I know for certain is that my life would be very dull and boring if I couldn't listen to my music, honestly sometimes that's the only way I can get how I really feel out, and I definitely don't know what I could do if I couldn't escape reality for a bit and go to another place and/or time while I go read a book for awhile. I think just like when a book is good and I finish it I want to know more about the characters I feel the same way in songs that tell stories, those three minutes or so just aren't enough. Or maybe all of this proves that I need to get a life.

Keeping My Faith

I’ve heard it so many times when people get done wrong in every scenario one can think of they will say, ‘That’s it I’ve lost my faith in God.” I would lean towards you didn’t have much faith in Him to begin with, if you get mad from reading that than I know you didn’t. Not to mention that I’ve been there, done that…they was sold out of the T-shirt or I would have an abundance of them. Now I’m finally getting a better understanding of what it really means to have faith in God and not just religion. I recently saw a billboard that had religion wrote out but the -igion section was crossed out and had -ationship wrote above that so that the word said relationship instead of religion. Anyway, back to the losing faith in God thing, for so long I’ve focused on people and the things they do to me - positive and negative- and depending on how that went I would be thanking or hating God. It’s a warped way of thinking about God really and thankfully I finally got the real meaning and understanding of who He is. Now I get that people are going to abuse you, betray, disappoint, use you, talk about you but I can’t judge all the negatives people do and think every one is like that. I believe that every one is in a persons life for a certain amount of time, short or for a lifetime, for a reason and some times with those negative people they are there to make you a stronger and better person. Whether they knowingly say or do those things are not it is being done solely to tear you apart and keep you down so you can’t see your true potential. For every negative person there is, or should be,  a person that will be positive and will help you without expecting anything in return, listen when you need to vent, or is there to laugh with for those inside jokes that only you all get. There is a quote that is attributed to C.S. Lewis that states, ‘Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another:  “What! You too? I though I was the only one.” It’s those kinds of people that really matter and should make up the majority of the people you have dealings with in your life. Whoever you encounter you shouldn’t blame God and say you’re done with faith in Him. From every thing I truly believe and understand about God I know he loves me unconditionally and although I’ve had to face things in my life that I would’ve preferred not to I know it’s not God’s fault and that it only made me be the person I have eventually become and actually helped me. I, nor anyone else, can get out of this life unscathed by something that will haunt you, or scar you to a certain degree. What matters is how will you let those scars define you. I’m not saying be so naïve and trust and believe every one and it’s always going to be happy, skipping through life singing a song like you came straight from a Disney movie but I am saying  be careful how high a standard and how much you lean on others because they can fail you, they are only human - not Superman or some invincible perfect being. That is one thing we are all alike on no matter race, age, height or weight - we all will falter. So if you have to do the blame game for something that happened in your life don’t blame God or lose faith in Him because of others, He doesn’t force them or make them act like that a bit more than He makes you make the choices you do. Personally, I think it’s best if you can avoid the blame game for to long, it really doesn’t help any one. Call them out for their wrong but don’t wear out your welcome in the blame game corner, at least for me personally it has kept me in that negative part of my life way longer than I should have been. There is another quote that is by C.S. Lewis that I think sums it all up pretty well and I like to think this is perhaps what’s going on when I have to deal with difficult situations and those times that make me wonder if there is any hope for human kind.

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.:
- C.S. Lewis


Perhaps if you read this you have a different idea of God or not even believe in Him at all, if so that is your choice, my idea and opinion of God may be wrong but this is how I see Him and that’s how I will continue to, I’m getting to that point in my life that I won’t apologize for my beliefs. I’m not writing this blog to force anything on any one, it is solely written as my outlet to clear a little space in my head with absolutely no intention of it even being read. If you do take the time to read it, thanks, hopefully you get something out of it, or at least won’t jump to conclusions and opinions without trying to really see what I’m attempting to say. And no I’m not always a happy, think positive, every thing goes right kind of person. I know life can throw things at you that really ain’t fair and make you start to question. That’s where you find yourself at a fork in the road of life and have to decide which you want to take - it’s all your choice though. So often things are only half listened to or read and the rest is filled in with what we want to fill in the blanks with to make it be what we want it to be. And as Forest Gump said, that’s all I have to say about that

Change

I think one of the hardest things to do is take a honest look at yourself because sometimes it's not fun what you see about yourself, whether it's physical, spiritual, or emotional. I guess in a way if you have a problem area in one of them it can in some way, shape, or form affect all of the other areas in your life.I'll be honest I feel like I have a long list of things that I want to change and/or work on. Some I'm fairly certain I'm holding the standards at an unbelievably hard and unattainable level for myself or anyone to ever achieve. However, for the last couple of months or so I've been slowly trying to focus and improve at least one area in my life and that is to become healthier and get in a better shape. I've heard it said and have even said it myself of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I sometimes feel like it takes getting to that point before you can finally make up your mind that it's time to make some changes and helps you stick with that goal. I think it's helping me because I'm not doing this or any of the other things I'm trying to work on for anyone else but me. I am my own worst critic and enemy which can make it hard but it can also push me, whereas if I was doing it for someone else and they tried to push me by some thing they thought was being helpful it may just further frustrate me and help me decide this was a bad idea. Or put another way I'd just use it as an excuse to quit. At least this getting older thing is helping me get my priorities right and figure out what's really important and what counts in life. I realize this about myself because countless times before I've tried this getting in better physical shape countless times before and give up in no time (as in a week or two). Now, I'm slowly seeing results physically and mentally about myself and I'm happy about that. Perhaps it's even helping me with having better patience. Whatever it is I'm thankful and for not being a big fan of change I'm looking forward to a better change in me.

Decent Title for Post is Unavailable

All last week it seemed to be raining every time I looked out of the window or happened to go outside. I personally like the rain and it only minimally started to bother me after a week or so of it. Besides apparently the storms brought along some more rainbows that I didn't personally see but I saw the pictures on Facebook. I've been enjoying it because it's not been near as hot as it usually is and can get around here this time of year. With an equal part of sarcasm and truth-ism I put on Facebook that  we were running out of things to talk about so God said, 'Let it rain so they can have something to talk about.' so it rained and we talked. I think there are some people that would never talk if they couldn't talk about the weather. It has saved me in starting a conversation countless times over, not to mention it has been the subject of many of my posts on here. Anyway, after reading countless status updates and hearing it in person of people complaining about the rain every one finally got what they had been wanting --- a beautiful sunny day. I took advantage of it and went up to the Arboretum and walked around to kill a little time in between church yesterday. Thankfully, I'm still on this kick where all I want to do is be outside and walk around. It seems to calm me down, help me clear my thoughts, and gets me some exercise - all of which I need. I've noticed that it even helps me not even think at all if that makes sense - it somehow takes my focus off of all the unnecessary thoughts and forces me to focus on the beauty of the nature around me. I don't know why I suddenly got on this kick of wanting to appreciate and enjoy these little things more than I probably ever have but I sure am glad and thankful that I am. The only thing it costs me is slowing down and taking the time to appreciate and truly look at it and as cheesy as it sounds I always see something that makes me stop and smile.

Storms

The other day I was driving back home from seeing a movie and it was easy to see that a storm was a-coming, as Sophia from the Golden Girls would say. So I got in my car, getting hit by a few drops of rain, and started my journey back home. I had good timing in leaving because I stayed just enough ahead of the storm that I didn't get caught in it but I could see it behind me in the rear view mirror. I realize this doesn't seem like much to write about but I had a bit of an epiphany that day. Generally speaking, most people don't particularly like it when storms are in the forcast or you look up in the sky and see it begin to darken. With this particular storm it left me absolutely stunned at how beautiful the sky looked with the dark clouds rolling in. I realize that probably sounds strange because usually if people say the sky looks beautiful it is at least on a sunny day not when a storm is about to come. Kind of like life, we never say the metaphorical storm we're having to go through  is beautiful but when things are going good we can see the beauty around us. The farther I drove I kept looking back in my rear view mirror and continued to be in awe of what I was seeing. I also saw the clouds getting closer. Here's where I probably got thinking a little to much. Just like I can't always out drive the storms, I can't always stay away and run from the storms of life, but both can be beneficial if we can hang on for the ride and wait it out. I don't think one can truly appreciate the beauty of a sunny day or when you get good news if you don't have to go through a storm every now and then. It doesn't mean that it's going to be fun but occasionally you can even find something good and/or beautiful to focus on even in the storm, just like the amazing artistry of the clouds in the sky that I saw that evening. I realize this can be a lot easier when it's concerning the storms that involve rain, thunder and lightening instead of the ones we face in life. Of the two storms I prefer to face the weather storms instead of life storms, it's much easier to always know how to make the right decision to stay safe in the weather storms. Some times there can just be way to many roads to take to figure out what is the right one when you are in a life storm. I figure with either one you can't spend all of your time looking in the rear view mirror or you'll never get out of either one.