Travel Bug

I'm always ready to go anywhere and love to travel but I think I really got bit by the travel bug here lately because all I can think about is going somewhere out of state and actually staying over at least one night. The only problem is according to everyone that I mention the places I want to go I get told they are to far for me to go by myself. Every one I know has a life and/or just doesn't want to travel with me, not that I blame them I doubt I'm easy to travel with. I have officially given up making plans on going anywhere because they never work out. I figure there is some reason for them not working out but don't think I'll ever know that reason. I think the word plan should be added to the list of the words that when written in comics symbols are used instead of letters and it should be written something like *?^!.....I mean this year I actually had a week off of work back in the spring and just had another week off last week, did I get to go on any trips and stay anywhere for any length of time? Nope. I don't mind going anywhere by myself but I won't turn down any company either. I think I'm just going to have to suck it up and go somewhere by myself and just break out the extra cautious common sense. I never know if watching to many criminal shows has helped or hurt me. Either way I wish this irritation from the travel bug bite would go away either because I get to actually go somewhere or just out of sympathy for me not to be able to go anywhere at the moment.

And just a warning if you read the post 'Eyesight isn't always 20/20' I am about to start reading the second book in that series so if it is anything like that first it's safe to say I'll be writing about it as well but otherwise I think I got enough writing on here out of me to last a little bit.

You like me, you really like me

This may make me sound very conceited but I don't mean it like that, but I often wonder how people see me, and by this I really mean am I really treating people like I want to be treated and am I as good as a friend as I want to, things like that. Here lately I've really found myself questioning these things about myself and what I am very slowly getting to write about are things that I think may be happening to help show me that I obviously got work to do but I may be just a little to hard on myself and people really do see me differently than I see myself. Perhaps that is why here lately I've had people directly tell me or I've over heard it being said positive things about me and go figure it is exactly about the things that I've been questioning about myself. Have you ever been walking away from a group of friends, or whoever, and someone will say something (good!) about you? I never know how I'm supposed to address this - do I act like I didn't hear it, was I even suppose to hear it? By now, if you've read very much of this blog it is obvious I ask A LOT of questions. God probably made me quiet so half of my questions wouldn't be heard, otherwise no one would get anything accomplished. Anyway, back to the over hearing thing (I also have a hard time staying on subject), this has happened and I know I was suppose to hear it but I still didn't know what to say. I tend to not accept compliments very easily, I appreciate them very much but I don't always believe them at first. This past Sunday I heard someone talking about me and saying some really nice stuff about me and she went on to say I wish she could find her a nice Christian man that liked to travel like she does. You just can't avoid that pesky relationship question/statement even when you're not around! That got me thinking how much you wanna bet someone is praying I end up in a relationship, I wish I knew if that was the case because I got a lot better things they could be praying for concerning me. Anyway, I couldn't help but wonder is there a correct way to handle that whole over hearing people talk about you. I have recently truly seen how much and what people do think about me. I guess I always knew but the last few weeks I suppose it's starting to sink in and I have gotten ever so slightly better about telling people and showing them as well. It's still a work in progress but I am going in the right direction.

Eyesight is not always 20/20 (patience suggested while reading this one)

*Disclaimer: I know this starts out sounding like a book report but I promise if you have patience and read it, towards the end I will finally get to my point, you can look for the * if you want to skip ahead to just get to my point

I recently had someone lend me some books to read. I love that because it ends up keeping me out of bookstores and from buying books when I get the impulse to get another one. Anyway, this book is part of  a series, which I sometimes hesitate to start because I either get really involved and the characters become so real to me I hate for the series to end or I don't get involved but feel obligated to finish the series. So far this series is definitely leaning towards getting involved and truly liking the characters and stories. In case you are wondering this book is, Where the Wild Rose Blooms by Lori Wick. I think this book is sticking out as one I can appreciate and feel like I'm right there because I can so relate to the characters. I love finding books where there is a character, or more, that reminds me of myself or someone I know. Many times while reading, at least if I'm really lucky, I'll catch myself reading something a character says or does and think, 'I do or say that all the time. I wonder how weird it is that if the character is going through a situation similar to one I am or have gone through I tend to read it more carefully than normal to see how they went about solving and getting through the problem. Sometimes books take the Hollywood way out but I have found two books that have made a great impact on me and legitimately helped me even though both were works of fiction. Those being the one aforementioned and Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Without giving anything away in the book by Lori Wick I have to say it's one of those times you find yourself really thinking and asking yourself serious thought provoking questions. Or at least I did, but maybe I take reading to a whole other level above what most people do when they read. I found myself at first relating to the character Edwina, she after all was the kind of person everyone assumes they are and wants to be but I quickly found I may be more like Jacqueline, or Jack as her father calls her. Basically, Jacqueline can let her pride get in her way and she thinks she's okay and will make it to heaven because she's a good person. Until tragedy hits and she pushes the man she loves away thinking he couldn't love her the way she is now. As fate would have it they meet again and Jacqueline begins to better understand the true meaning of accepting the love of the man she loves as well as the true meaning of God's love and forgiveness.

*Here's where I get to my point if you want to skip ahead*

Anyway, before this sounds even more like a book report I'll get to my point. While reading and ever since finishing the book I can't help but wonder how many of us are walking around blind but have vision. So often we see people with disabilities and find ourselves saying how terrible it is they have to face the world with their disability. Not realizing that even though they face a different route to get things done and no doubt a harder, steeper climb to get there they don't let it get in there way.  All the while not realizing that we so often are more disabled than the person we see as being hindered. I dare say the people I've seen that have had to face diversity and had disabilities were more determined and even thankful than people that can take the easy way to get their goal accomplished. Put another way, sometimes I wonder how many of us have sight but don't really see. When was the last time you took the time to enjoy the beauty of a sunset or looked up to see the wonder of a night sky full of stars? How many of us have hearing but don't really listen to the sounds and words of music, or catch the excitement as a friend tells about an event or even that change in their voice that says they aren't being 100% honest when they say everything is fine. Most importantly, perhaps,  is how many of us have health and the true blessings and treasures of life but aren't living and appreciating what we have? It's a lot of questions I know but I have asked myself all of them because like Jacqueline I thought I was okay but now I think it's time I take an honest look at myself. Sometimes it involves asking some tough questions I don't like the answer to and sometimes it means going through some trials to open your eyes to see the truth and what matters and to even be able to accept help and love and to move pride out of the way. Basically, in my long drawn out way, I'm just saying just because we have the gift of the senses (sight, hearing, touch, etc.) don't take for granted that you are using them to the full potential. And I do highly recommend the two books I mentioned, even if they aren't books you would normally read. I'll try reading any kind of book once. Forgive the longer than normal post, I have a lot of thinking to get out.

If only this post had a point but it doesn't....

I think I've momentarily forgot about having a blog, feels like forever since I've written anything on here or could think of anything to write. Now I have something I want to write about and for the life of me I can't sort my thoughts enough to make a sentence that would be understandable. I thought about going ahead and trying to type it out and go with the flow on here but I can't do that because it just doesn't feel right this time to just type and get it out that way. Last night I tried writing it out on paper and it didn't seem to want to be written on paper yet either. Wonder if anyone else has ever had that happen, have a thought that you really want to share and actually makes sense and could get others thinking but for the life of you it just can't be written.Normally this would worry me that I will forget it, and it's still very possible, but the fact that I can't stop thinking about it should help me to get it written down eventually. I only hope that by the time my thoughts will cooperate and I can write it down and get it posted that I don't read it and think why did I think this was worth sharing. Even if I don't post it on here, I desperately want to get it written down, maybe it's just for my own benefit to help me see what I need to change. I feel like there is some sort of changing coming for me and I don't know if it's just my imagination or if it is possible and if it  is possible I don' t know how to feel about it. However, if it's a change to help me in areas that I've really been wanting to improve than I'll take it even if at first it is very grudgingly.

Memories

A friend of mine recently posted a photo from back in the day with me and another girl I went to school with and for the life of me I can't remember that ever happening. I know it did cause I'm staring at the photo evidence and there is no way it was photo shopped. Isn't it funny though how you can not have a single memory, faintest idea of even where or when something happened and you know it did because there is legitimate photo evidence. Although, the strange and funny thing is I do distinctly remember the shirt I was wearing in the picture but I have tried to will and even force myself to remember anything else and I can't. The same thing happened about a year ago when people were posting pictures from school days like crazy in getting ready and/or excited about the ten year high school reunion. Truth be told there is probably a post about that as well but it just really fascinates me how the mind can work and how you just seem to lose memories or even block memories. Guess that's proof that it's a good thing to take as many pictures and make as many memories as possible. The more you make maybe the better chance you will still have some to look back on. And when you stumble across the pictures with you in it or even of places you know you went to but that particular place looks so unfamiliar at least you can look at it and know you was there and did something and wait for the day that just maybe that memory may be found again.

A Title Goes Here

I'm so used to over analyzing and thinking I've done something to annoy or bother some one that it actually throws me off course when someone else will ask if they have done something to me or apologize for something they did thinking it was rude or something. I tend to apologize first and find out what I'm apologizing for later. It is no secret I can get my feelings hurt ridiculously easy, which is one of those things that drives me crazy about myself and I can think I've done something when I'm not at fault at all. So I was really surprised when I got an apology from someone saying they had acted rude about something because that particular incident was one of those rare times that my over thinking didn't kick in and I honestly didn't even pay attention to what happened and didn't think nothing about it. Perhaps it's a sign that I'm getting over that very annoying habit.  It is kind of funny that when something doesn't bother you someone will no doubt sincerely think it does, but when something does truly bother you or hurt your feelings no one seems to hardly ever catch those. It's nice to know though that every one, or most every one, at one point or another has done that. I guess over thinking can be a normal thing to have to deal with after all.

Third Wheel

I think I'm starting to understand why I go places by myself and it's not just because of the hard time I have of getting people to go with me. It seems like it never fails that when I do get someone to go with me they end up inviting someone too and I end up being the third wheel on my own trip to wherever. It's not so bad if I know the person but I guess you can't get to know people if you aren't around them. I always hate it though when that happens and you end up being left out in conversations and basically doing every thing on your own anyway so you might as well have went on the trip by yourself. At least when I go by myself I'm not rushed or on anyone's schedule. Of course when I go by myself I'm limited on some of the things I can do, or at least when, and it can get boring. You can only get talking to yourself so many times before people start looking at you funny! I should be used to being the third wheel, Lord knows I've had plenty of practice and will forever be the third wheel. I don't the fact that others are there bother me, as they say the more the merrier (usually, anyway), it's the suddenly learning there are others coming when all along it was just supposed to be x amount of people. Thankfully, usually this never ends up being a problem and all ends well so guess I always worry about it for nothing like I am so good at doing. I just hate change and when I have it in my mind something is going to be a certain way and it gets changed it bugs me and I don't like it until half way through and I realize it's not so bad. So here's to apparently always going somewhere by myself and/or being the third wheel.

Writer's Block

I'm in one of those moods I really want to write and I know that I have ideas brewing in my mind but when I go to write anything it's like all my thoughts go in to hiding or hit a massive wall while trying to escape and let me write them down. I have a greater appreciation of the phrase writer's block. The other day I saw something that gave me an idea to try to write a poem and I sat down to try to write the ideas down to sort through and make coherent sentences and phrases with but what little I actually wrote down seemed forced and just wasn't right so I put it away. Kind of like with this post I feel like I'm having to force myself to write anything, which then makes it not fun to write at all. I don't claim to be good at writing (including what I write on here, and the other random things I write) but I use writing as an escape and to help get a better grip on the thoughts running around in my head. Now I'm having one of those moments where I've hit the wall and can't write or what little I have written it doesn't make sense or feel right to write. You always hear of actual authors that write for a living having writer's block and they some how get over that little glitch so hopefully this won't last to much longer cause my poor mind can't handle much of a backlog of to many thoughts stuck in my head.

Yes, No, Maybe

Being quiet definitely has its advantages and most of the time I'm very content in being quiet, or only known as the quiet girl, but some times it can get aggravating. The biggest issue I think I have probably isn't what one would initially think. Most would probably assume it would be people not hearing me when I talk and/or having to constantly repeat myself but if someone doesn't initially hear me when I say something to them I'll generally just go on about my business and forget about it, nine times out of ten I was just trying to fill in an awkward silence or try to not make my quietness seem more like snobbish, rude behavior. In fact, my biggest issue is in the fact that people always assume when you say no that you really mean yes and are just to shy to say so. Admittedly, I have done this before but it isn't always the case, most of the time in fact. It's a bit more understandable when strangers may assume this but my friends and family should so be able to tell when there may be a yes or a maybe hiding out under the no that just came out of my mouth. Most people are probably thinking why don't you just say yes or no when you mean yes or no. Truthfully, I have gotten so much better about that and over 75% (if not more) of my responses are the honest to goodness answer that I am saying. I think that is just one of those automatic stereotypes that falls under the shy/quiet category and like most stereotypes can be proved to be untrue, especially once you get to know the shy/quiet person. Either way, just like people can't understand why it can be hard for a quiet person to just say or do what they want, I can't understand why people can't understand a no really does just mean no when it is said by a quiet person.

Struck Me Funny

You know we're generally taught at an early age certain words are considered bad and shouldn't be said, out of respect or for various other reasons. I think some words should be added to that list and I'm just not sure how they didn't get added. The big one that I think should be added is diet, that is such an evil word that just makes me cringe and my stomach growl when I just hear it! A while back I was asked if I was on a diet and I quickly said no. I'm trying to not visit the junk food side of town, or pantry in this case, as often in hopes to eat better and I've said goodbye to the pop (AKA soda) train,  but I refuse to say I'm on a diet. I mean really, the first three letters of the word spell die, and I personally am not ready to die just yet and if I go on a diet me or someone around me could seriously get hurt. So I have come up with the solution that this round of trying to eat better and just be healthier I will refrain from using that terrible word and just go on about my business. So far it seems to be working out better for me than any time before.

I recently saw a person that had the middle name of Christ and it cracked me up. I'm not sure if the 'i' is  pronounced with a long or short vowel sound but than again where I'm from any word with an 'i' is automatically a long vowel and I do mean long. I wonder if her parents thought if her middle name was Christ (and assuming it's pronounced with the long vowel), that when they got so mad they had to say her whole name that when they said Christ it would help them calm down before they did or said something they would regret. I wonder if parents nowadays even say a child's full name or if they just go straight to counting. That cracks me up too. Hear some parent say to a kid something a long the lines of  'You better put that toy away where it belongs in your room.' and the kid just sits there so then the parent just starts counting. I'm surprised some kids nowadays don't think their name is One Two Three and a half. And if that's how you parent more power to you, I can't help it that it cracks me up, that's how my sense of humor rolls and I can't seem to alter my humor.

Thinking Problem

The capabilities of all that the mind can do is truly amazing and I often wonder if we will ever truly know and understand all that our mind does and why. I don't think my poor mind can even understand itself at times, or it just likes to play some cruel jokes on me. It really is like my mind has found and taken over the remote control for my life and during the day it puts itself on mute so I can't even remember something as simple as what day it really is. Then it becomes night and that's a completely different story. This is when my mind becomes a hard of hearing person that likes to channel surf with the volume turned all of the way up. I sometimes don't mind the fight to go to sleep, I have actually gotten some decent ideas of things to write because of this. Now that I think about it, I guess the mind really is our remote for life. Some nights I even crack myself up, not that I'm necessarily funny, it's just that I have officially became slap happy for the night while waiting for sleep. On those nights I get a laugh, or good chuckle, at my own expense because of the rapid fire thoughts that keep coming and how side tracked I can get. I have gotten so far away from my original thought I can't find my way back from all the side roads of thoughts I took. It's like playing 5 degrees of (insert random thought here) instead of 5 degrees of Kevin Bacon. This happened the other night and if I'd thought I could've gotten the thoughts on paper before my mind went on selective shut down I would've written them down, if for nothing else but to have proof I'm not exaggerating about this. At one point I couldn't help but think this must be a glimpse of what it may be like in Robin Williams head and how he goes all over the place when he is telling jokes or just talking. No offense to him intended, I think he is hilarious. At least on those nights with the funny random thoughts, I can have a little fun and amusement while waiting for sleep to kick in. I don't like the nights where my mind takes the philosophical, theological and any of those other to serious roads. Those tend to get me in deeper and more confused than I ever want to be but especially before I go to sleep. So basically, in conclusion, I can only say for certain that I have a thinking problem that at times keeps me awake at night and helps me day dream while I'm supposed to be working but that same problem has helped me somehow take the scenic route to the answers I needed to find. Here's to all of our thinking problems and may we learn and enjoy the sometimes long and (hopefully) scenic route they take us on.

Little of this and that and a whole lot of nothing...

Well, I ended up telling my friends about the dream with Tony, and I think I did the right thing especially after what his wife told me afterwards. It also reminded me of how awkward I am around people and how strange it seems the more I care about people the more awkward I am which makes no sense to me. I still felt bad telling them and seeing them cry, I kept apologizing cause I hate to see people I care about cry, but hopefully they were good tears. At least now I can put that behind me and mark that off my things to worry about list. I really got to work on shortening that list and throw it away for good. Kind of helped me see how much I really do worry and think about things instead of going with my first instinct, which is usually right to begin with. Reminds of the saying I've heard that goes something like worry is like a rocking chair your moving but not going any where. I remember back in fifth grade my home room teacher told us before taking a test to go with the first answer you thought of instead of questioning it until you just wasn't sure of the answer to pick. I used that a lot going through school and now that I think about it that philosophy could be applied to life in general. Funny how it's probably been close to 19 years since I've been in fifth grade yet I still remember that. As Timon and Pumbaa said in The Lion King, 'Hakuna Matata!'