2013 it's been a fun ride....

I can't believe we are mere days away from 2013 officially being over and beginning a new year. I probably say this at the end of every year but this year has really went by fast. It's like I went to sleep and woke up to the year being gone. I was thinking about this year and what all I've got to do. Some of my plans that I had made didn't come to pass but that's okay there was some reason for that so I'll try to patiently wait and hope it happens soon. I didn't really get to go on a real vacation and travel like I love to this year but I had a job that I could take vacation days from and for that I'm thankful. I was able to somewhat tear some walls down and get closer to my friends and I got to spend time with them which is a huge step for me. I still have my family around and for that I am beyond thankful for. I didn't get to travel but I did get to go to some great concerts starting with Winter Jam (which me and my friends are already planning for in 2014!) and then I got to see Jo Dee Messina, Rhonda Vincent and Sara Evans, all of whom I was able to meet and get their autograph. I even got to talk to JDM and Rhonda Vincent. Although there wasn't really any major ups or downs (thank God for that) in 2013 it was a good year of growing and learning and just living. I don't really make any new year's resolutions because I break them before the first day is even over. I'm kind of at the point in my life that I just try to take life day by day and if I slip up and make a lot of mistakes on a day I make any necessary apologies, ask for forgiveness and think I got another chance to make it right make sure you make this one count. Maybe as I inch closer and closer to the big 3-0 I can continue to grow in wisdom and learn to love myself and others, forgive, let go and live. I guess if I was to make a new year's resolution that would be it. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what 2014 has in store, I believe or at the very least hope it is a year that I can grow and have new adventures. I look forward to being able to spend more time with my friends and family. I hope 2014 is a great year for all my friends, family, and whoever reads this (in case you don't fall in one of the first two categories and if you do then I'll just give you a double wish for a very happy new year and nothing but the best in 2014!)

Going In Circles

I know there is a lesson to be learned in every thing but some times I wonder if I've already learned it and just need the refresher course constantly to remember what I learned or perhaps I really haven't learned the lesson yet and I got to go through the whole thing again to try to get it. For example, several times throughout my life I've been told I was stubborn and never thought much of it. My thinking was I needed that to make it and besides it's the Irish roots in me! However, recently I was again told I was stubborn and this time it bothered me, not in the fact of who told me (I greatly respect them) or even being told it again but the fact that I realized this time that perhaps my stubborness is hindering me. Which then got me thinking is there a difference between determination and being stubborn? I'm still searching for the answer to that question so if anyone knows please enlighten me. I know I can be stubborn when it comes to change and that I can fully admit is plain old stubborness. There are other things I do that I think lean more towards just being determined to finish a goal instead of being stubborn (tired of reading that word yet?!). I guess it all comes down to the fact that I need to find that fine line between determination and stubborn (assuming there is one) and jump on over to the determined side. Sometimes these traits we think are helping us and make us a better person end up holding us back, guess that's the lesson I'm supposed to be learning right now.

You ever have someone tell you something and you think boy that could have been helpful years ago? I also recently had that happen to me...again, which will greatly explain the purpose of the last paragraph but first the reason to even write the last paragraph. For almost twelve years I have been haunted and plagued with regret of not waking my grandma up before I went to school on what was to be the morning she passed away. However, it appears this year is the year for me to see how I did the right thing and to finally let that regret go. It first happened on that day I got the hug from the elderly lady I went to church with that felt just like I was hugging my grandma. The second thing happened this past weekend when I was told something that finally made it make sense why I couldn't force myself to wake her up and why I'm now glad I didn't because had I done so it would've possibly been the most selfish thing I could've ever done. Now when that morning comes to mind I can for the first time ever honestly say I have peace about it and for that I thank God and the ones He used to let me finally realize the truth. I may face that regret about this situation again but I know I have something hidden in my memory bank that I can go in and get to remember the truth.

I occasionally catch myself thinking if I could only go back in time and do it over so I may realize the truth the second time around and not put myself through unnecessary things. However good that sounds in theory I know if it was to actually be possible for me I'd make the same mistakes and possibly even make it worse. I was also thinking about it and I thought if I did get a chance to live it over again and I did get it right that time that could mean that I never met the friends and people that have made an impact in my life and I would gladly face the same circumstances and make the same choices to stay on the road to meet the people I have throughout the years and have the people that are in my life right now.


Focus on God, not the fear, regret, or circumstance. * My new motto I'm trying to live by

Quiet Girl

I've accepted the fact that my mind works by having racing thoughts that hardly ever get completed before going to the next thought. What I haven't gotten used to is how sometimes based on what I'm thinking or just randomly I'll get an idea of something to write. Yesterday I was thinking of something a friend had told me, actually she has said this several times, and although I still don't believe it as it pertains to me it did get me thinking and suddenly I had a couple of lines that I had to write down. Normally this happens when I'm driving so it was nice that I was able to be where I could write it down as soon as it came to mind, even though I was supposed to be working. It wouldn't have stopped going in my head until I wrote it down. Anyway, even more rare is how quickly this came to me, usually it takes me days, weeks and some times never for anything to happen with these random ideas that I feel I need to write down. Mostly because I'm not a writer and the rest of that mostly is because I have to write what I know, whether it's what I'm going through now or have dealt with especially with my poems, writings, whatever you want to call them. I've heard of people writing letters to their younger selves and I would say this is my version of that to myself, not only younger self but me now. Also apparently I've read the quote 'Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you' by Dr. Seuss one to many times and I'm fairly certain it greatly influenced the last two lines. I guess I've rambled on enough so here is my latest attempt at writing,

Quiet Girl

By: April Donahue

To many she is just a quiet girl

Feels like she is on a tilt-o-whirl

Always watching the people rush on by

Trying to find her place in this life

Quiet girl don't you see your worth

Shake those fears and face this world

It's time for your quiet voice to be heard

Few or many so much is hidden in your words

Don't listen to those whispered lies

Quiet girl hold your head up high

Don't be afraid to show your smile

Take it all one step at a time

Quiet girl it's okay to be yourself

When others try to make you someone else

Never, ever forget the truth

You are you and there's nothing you can't do

And that picture is a glimpse into how thoughts really role around in my head and what I go through to even attempt to write anything, whether it's a poem or just something in a journal to clear my head. I wonder if every one that writes does that? Anyway, to all the quiet girls (and guys) out there I hope we one day, if you haven't already, realized our worth and what we have to offer the world.

Just Keep Reading, Just Keep Reading....

Hello, my name is April and I am a bookworm, book nerd...well whatever you want to call it I love to read and buy books. This is not a confession in hopes of breaking this habit, actually the complete opposite, in the fact that I'm accepting  that it makes me happy to go to a bookstore and I do sometimes hide behind and within the safe confines of a book. That last part I might have to be careful with but then again everyone has to have some kind of escape from reality from time to time. I will admit that I rarely read a book that I don't end up learn something about myself. In fact I had given up on having anything to really write about until I quite by accident found a book that I couldn't leave the store without and thanks to a minor winter precipitation I stayed in my room all day yesterday and read. I originally was drawn to the story because it is written as letters to a Mr. Knightley from Sam, short for Samantha, who loves to read and hides behind the characters in her favorite books. The letters are a one sided conversation, besides a couple of times that Sam demands a response but quickly regrets that decision because just seeing the letters puts her in a panic. Mr. Knightley pays for Sam's college and the only thing he asks is that she write him letters telling her about what is going on in school. However, the letters quickly become an easy outlet for Sam to tell her true feelings about her life as well as what is going on with her classes. She has trust issues and has a hard time making friends and will quote her favorite characters when she feels to exposed. That I can relate to but I quote books, movies, televisions shows for basically all kinds of emotions or events. I loved the book because it talked a lot about the classic books and I loved the letter writing, that's just something you don't see in real life or books very often which is sad. I love the idea of people taking the time to actually write a letter, emails are nice too, but there is just something about receiving something from someone in their own handwriting. Although I feel sorry for anyone who has to read anything written by me, sometimes I have a hard time reading my own writing. Throughout the book Sam begins to realize she hides behind her characters and what they have to say instead of her saying and being who she really is. I actually figured out who Mr. Knightley was before it was mentioned but I don't think that took away from the story at all. One of my favorite lines from the book is: 'Through it, I found a new character. Me. She's bold and fairly fiesty, with serious timidity issues at times. Every step she takes forward, she glances back and even retreats. But she's got courage. I think she'll make it. I don't know when she'll be free to run - figuratively, that is.' I love it because it reminds me that we all have our flaws, characters in the books and us living in the real world too, but no matter how many flaws we have or why we have them if we keep going one day we'll be free to run - figuratively that is! So as I close this post I again say, I'm a proud book worm, because within the confines of those pages of characters I find something to learn about myself and after all one can never have to many books are journals.

If you would like to read the book I mentioned it is called Dear Mr. Knightley and is by Katherine Reay. I definitely recommend it if you are a big fan of Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, or love reading books that have letters. 

I can't end this without also recommending another great book I'm reading (because any good reader can't just be reading one book and I'm currently reading and trying to finish three). This one is about Alexandra (Alex to friends and family) and Cole. Alex comes from a wealthy family but you wouldn't know it except for her last name because she works hard to get what she has. Cole recently had a crushing blow when his now ex-fiance broke off their engagement. Alex and Cole work together and I unfortunately can't go in to much more detail because that is the drawback of reading so many books at one time. I imagine it's like trying to pay enough attention to all of your kids, it can sometimes be hard, and that is saying nothing against this story because it is such a good story I am fighting sleep at night just so I can read one more chapter. So go check out One Good Reason by Chase Ewing. Here is a link...

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H3OUK56/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_awdl_z6POsb0CM48W0  

Where are you Christmas?

We're quickly approaching the Christmas holiday that seems to get more stressful and less joyful for people each year. It sometimes feels and seems like people get so wrapped up in outgifting and outspending others around them that they have completely forgotten that it's the thought that counts and makes the gift special not the price tag or what is inside the box. Or at least that's the way I see it. I've given people gifts and they'll have the look or say something in a round about way that you can tell they are thinking, 'Is this it? This is all you got me.' I can stress over what gift to get someone but not because of money or anything but because I want the person to obviously like what I get them but let it show that I listen to them and just pay attention to things they like to do or collect even if they only mentioned it briefly in a conversation and they thought it went unnoticed. Giving and helping others is my gift to not only the person but to myself which is why I hate when people ask me what I want. Rarely do I honestly have an idea what to even reply with but even if I do know something I want it's rare I'll ask someone for it, I just go ahead and get it myself. To be honest the best gifts I could get from others can't even be bought at a store. So if I had to make a Christmas list here is what it would be:

1. A shoulder to lean on when I need to cry
2. A hand to help me up when I've fallen
3. Take time to listen to me
4. A kind word to encourage me
5. A stern word to get me back on track or set me straight when I am wrong

To me these are the true gifts that keep on giving all year long and mean more than anything that can be bought.  I don't want it to come across like I don't appreciate the actual gifts people do get for me because I most definitely do. I greatly appreciate the thought that people care enough to even think of me and I truly am one that believes it's the thought that counts I don't care what I am given on any gift giving occasion. While you ponder what the perfect gift is to get someone I think we all could use the reminder that sometimes the best gift can't be found in your local mall and if it did have a price tag on it I'm fairly certain it would just say priceless. It's not about how many boxes with bows are under the Christmas tree that makes it the perfect holiday but being surrounded with those you love and care about. It's very corny and cliche I admit but I also believe there is quite a degree of truth behind it. I personally hope I never lose the outlook of simple is better.

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is the day that has been designated for us take the time and be thankful and carry on traditions that have been passed down and create some new ones. I guess it was started to be thankful for the years harvest but it seems to have expanded now. I figured this would be a good time and post to express what I'm thankful for since I tend to get busy and don't always appreciate or realize how much I have to be thankful for. Therefore here are just a few of the things I'm grateful to have in my life:

• Family - we may not see each other that often but I love them and would do anything for them
• Friends - my list of true friends may not be long compared to others but I am grateful for my friends that are there for me even when I try to push them away. 
• Home- so many don't know where they will lay down at night so I don't ever want to take a warm home and comfortable bed to sleep in for granted
• Food - I'm fortunate to not have to worry about when or where my next meal may come from, again I don't ever want to take that for granted. 
• Books - it may be a strange thing to put on a list, but I'm thankful to enjoy reading and to be able to read anything I want, when I want. 
• Faith - perhaps this should have been placed first on my list, but either way I'm thankful to live in a country where I can go to church and read the bible and not fear being punished for it.

There are many other things I could add and specific people I could thank for so much that they have done but this gets the basic point made. Whatever you do or don't do for this holiday may we always remember to be thankful everyday for what we have. There are people out there that would give anything to have some of the simplest things that we have but so easily can take for granted. I know it's something that I need to work on doing myself.

Growing Pains

Two things are not a secret about me, I don't like change and in roughly five months I'll turn thirty. Of those two one I have absolutely no control over but the other one I can control no matter what I may think and try to tell myself. I think the worst, yet most rewarding growing pain is proving to be the emotional maturing part. Have you ever thought and even fought with yourself about a certain trait you have or feeling you've been dealing with and suddenly there are literally signs everywhere about it? For example, I know I worry a lot and try as I might not to it still charges at me and knocks me down quite often. Suddenly I have honest to God seen signs about how you shouldn't be worrying everywhere. One was while in a store and I saw a cup that said something like stop worrying and pray about it but DO NOT QUIT. Hopefully no one was around cause that made me chuckle and I thought, okay I get it, I got to quit over thinking and worrying. The big one that I desperately want to change and work on is all of these walls I've built up. On the way home from visiting a friend the light bulb finally got fixed and came back on and I realized a few things. My reason for the wall is mostly to keep people at a distance so I don't get close, only problem is that even with that wall there are a few people that I've still gotten close to and I think the world of them. Therefore, for those that have more than passed the test that they are true friends and are going to stick around I want to walk out from behind the wall and be myself around them. My fear is when I do that they'll be gone (said like Tim Conway does as Brashly in the Went With The Wind skit)...now that I got that squirrel moment out of the way, even with that fear I don't want to have to live with the regret that I missed out on some good talks, laughs and being close to those few because I'm worried about things that most likely would never happen if I did just be me. I can't change the fact that people come and go out of my life, there is after all a reason for that, and no amount of hiding will help people stay longer or even leave sooner. The thing that bothers me to no end is in my head I can have a normal conversation and say what I want but as soon as I open my mouth 'POOF' it disappears. It cannot be normal to get so nervous about going and seeing people either and it's not even because I don't want to visit them, in fact it's worse with the people I do want to go visit. Anyway these are some conclusions I recently came to, some of them only being the hundreth time I have came to this conclusion but one day it'll stick. Instead of freaking out about turning 30 I'm going to be grateful and focus on being a better friend and person by being more open and myself. I think there is a saying that you got to love yourself before you can love anyone else so that would be a good place to start. I hope my friends continue to have patience with me and I'm doing the right thing by tearing some more of these layers of walls down. I can finally admit this type of behavior is greatly hindering me and I want to fix it and change. I want to sit down with my friends and actually talk out loud not leave and regret not saying what i wanted to. I don't even mind if I stay quiet, shy, backwards, whatever you want to call it because that is part of who I am but I don't want to reach a newer level in that quiet shyness that doesn't hold me back as much. This concludes this fairly decent pep talk now I must go and put these words to action. It's easy to point out what needs to be fixed and write about it or even talk about it but the next step is the hardest yet most important. I write that but secretly (not so much a secret now I suppose) I'm scared out of my wits and wonder if this is the right step but obviously the way I've been thinking hasn't exactly been working.I think I'm afraid I'll become someone I'm not or maybe the real me isn't that good of a person but I think that's just some safe excuses I've saved up to use to keep me from walking out from behind the wall. I believe this is finally my time to become like the caterpillar that has patiently waited in its cocoon. I know this is going to take a lot of effort and work in which I will no doubt fall many times but it's time to leave the cocoon and see that the caterpillar has transformed into a butterfly.

Life

Back in September I wrote a post about an elderly lady that I went to church with and a visit I had with her. Yesterday I heard where she passed away.  I have no doubt she got the ultimate win and is seeing some amazing things in heaven right now. I have to say it is so odd because I haven't really cried since I found out but I've felt peace and I smile when I think about her. To no ones fault but my own I did only go see her that one time and I do regret that but what a great visit that was. Just like I wrote in September every time since that day I think about her I remember the hug I got from her before leaving. I'm not a fan of hugs but that truly is a hug I'll cherish and remember as long as I live. It's still throwing me how I'm dealing with the news cause it's so out of character for me. I feel bad and pray for peace for her family during this time but when I think of her I, at least right now, can't feel sad cause I know she's not in pain and I don't think we have words in any language to describe what she is seeing and feeling right now. Again, it is odd cause it's not like  this thought hasn't occurred to me about others I've had to say see you in a while but with them I've cried. Maybe this time I'm not being as selfish and I'm thinking more about the person than me. Either way I am truly thankful I did get to go one time and see her before she passed away and I'm glad that I got to meet her and she was a part of my life.

One thing that doesn't change is how I go through these spells of thinking and wondering about life and death especially after someone I know passes away. Life and death is just so strange. I'm not going to lie, I'm afraid of dying, more about how it's going to happen and if it's going to be painful. It never made sense to me when people would say you're young you got plenty of time to do whatever. That must be in their little book of life that I apparently didn't get a copy of but youth is no guarantee of a long life left. My ultimate goal and wish is that however long I live I treat people right and maybe can make some kind of positive impact so that when I do die they can smile when they think about me and hopefully can say and be right when they say I'm in a better place. Life and death, can't have one without the other but if you live right and to you're full potential I think and hope that it makes it a bit easier to face death and of course my faith will make it easier. This has been kind of a morbid post, eh? My bad didn't mean for it to be if it is taken and does sound that way. 

A New Level Of Random

I sometimes really do pay way to much attention to certain details of things that most people probably don't even notice. Even if they do notice I wonder if they are transfixed on it for a long time cause I even tend to do that and get on my little over analyzing, over thinking mindset that causes me to make a lot of unnecessary stops before I get to a destination. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. Perfect example is this past Sunday it was a rainy day and while sitting in church I look at the window (I just can't get rid of that daydreamer in me that has a terrible time paying attention) and I see the raindrops sliding down the window. Suddenly I had multiple rapid thoughts hit me that ranged from: That looks really pretty, It kind of looks like tears, and finally that would be a cool picture.. How can I stare at rain drops sliding down a window for a long time but have a hard time paying attention to someone talking? I find myself constantly having a more difficult time paying attention. As I was watching the rain yesterday I realized how odd it is that the simplest of things can distract me and keep my attention where other things that should hold my attention don't and it's not that I don't want to listen. I really do try and though I may not be the best listener I mostly can avoid that invisible unknown cause that so easily distracts me.

If you have Facebook, I'm fairly certain it's a safe bet that you have seen the latest craze where you get a number and tell that many things about yourself others may not know. I have avoided it like my life depended on it while on Facebook but one night when my brain decided it wanted to keep talking and not let me sleep I thought writing some things down about myself was a good idea, you know just in case I forgot and hit the like button and got a number. As fate would have it I seem to have escaped it but I figured why let the list go to waste so I'll post it on here (that was your warning that you can stop reading now cause it's about to reach a level of boredom some didn't know even existed)

1. I have fear/anxiety of people finding and reading what I've written (including this blog)
2. The only television show I refuse to miss and will watch again the next day on hulu is Castle. The show is awesome with a spectacular and very talented cast and if I have to have a celebrity crush I think I have chosen well with Nathan Fillion!
3. I'd love to meet Carol Burnett and Loretta Lynn
4. I talk to myself...a lot, especially while driving.
5. I also sing a lot, and very badly, while driving
6. I like to draw but not always good at it (see picture at end)
7. The mandolin is my favorite instrument
8. I hate riding in the car without music unless there is someone in the car with me to talk to
9. I want to go back to Ireland. I am very proud of my Irish ancestory
10. I find it very difficult to get close and open up to people
11. I'm more talkative than people seem to think
12. I love to gaze at stars. I have about fell several times while being transfixed on looking at the stars while thinking I can walk at the same time. 
13. I'm not a big fan of hugs - honestly there is only a few people that I don't mind if they come up and hug me. It's weird I know and needless to say you know it's serious when I say I need a hug
14. I love to read and must go to a bookstore every so often. Seriously, it's like someone craving chocolate
15. I get very nervous around a lot of people
16. My dream house is a simple log cabin with a front porch I can sit on spring and summer nights to read
17. I hate being asked when I'm going to get married and/or have children
18. I hate talking on the phone, so some of those calls that went unanswered wasn't just because I had the music to loud and didn't hear the phone. I feel better now that I got that out.
19. I worry I'll never feel like I've accomplished any thing in my life. Basically I just worry a lot
20. I'd go on but if you've read these then you already know more about me than a lot of people do that have known me for years.
    
      Picture I drew/colored one night while bored. This is probably the only thing I've ever drawn that I will say turned out halfway decent.

A Year of Ramblings and Counting

I can't believe it's already been a year since I started a blog and I still don't know what I'm doing (technically not officially until 6 more days but close enough). I'm not sure what surprises me the most that I even started this, I actually write on it regularly, or that I haven't deleted it yet. I guess really all of the above. I don't know why people kept saying I should start a blog, the voice in my head saying that was a ridiculous idea makes perfect sense, but I stepped out of my comfort zone and finally figured why not. Of course not without several failed attempts before I finally got all the way through the set up. There still is no rhyme or reason for this but perhaps that's why I've kept it as long as I have. This is one of those rare cases where it's been easy to do something and not have a clue what I am doing. It's quite easy to type what I want when I'm hiding behind cool fonts and no pressures of people looking at me while I talk, plus it is way easier for me to write instead of talk. Yesterday I found myself having an attention problem and was reading some of my older posts. I honestly kept thinking, I really wrote that because that's actually not that bad and then I found myself going back to try to figure out how I came up with some of those analogies and ideas to write the post to begin with. I don't think I'll ever figure out my thought process but maybe that's good because if I ever figure it out that might ruin what I have and I'll never be able to come up with the things I do. Some things are better left alone and not being able to answer why is a good enough reason/answer. Not to mention it has to mean something that over-thinking, worrier me actually has wrote almost 100 posts in a year (probably more if you count the few I did end up deleting) and been more open and honest in them than I tend to be when I have a conversation with someone...still working on that one. Anyway, I'm glad I've kept it going and even if no one reads it or gets anything out of it I'm proud that I stepped out of my comfort zone and started a blog it's just a bonus if people do read and get something out of it even if it's just one of those 'You do that too?!' moments.

Time...where have you gone?

Time is an unusual thing, it never stops and all to often gives you the answer whether you're ready for it or not and all to often before you even have a chance to ask or think the question. It's like when your young and everyone seems so old and it feels like it's going to take forever to grow. Those days you think time is playing a cruel joke holding the pause button on the remote of life and then you grow up and are begging time to hit the pause button because it's going by so fast and you finally begin to realize how precious time is. Yesterday I got to see an old neighbor (she is elderly but in this case the old is more for she is no longer a neighbor) and I guess this is why I'm on the time thing. That is another example of how you will think or be missing someone and some time later your paths will cross because I hadn't seen her since she had gotten sick and she told her son she wanted to come see me and my dad. It was nice getting to talk to her again. The road I live on, like every thing in life, has changed so much over the years and I miss how it used to be. That's another funny thing about time, when you're in the present all to often you don't enjoy it but after it's been gone for some time you look back and see how good it was and would give just about anything for it to be like that again. Maybe not everything but there is usually at least one thing that makes you pull out the files from the past in your head. This particular neighbor, no matter what all she has done, I will always have to give her credit that she always remembered me on my birthday and would often times send me a card and $5 or something like that. Might not seem like much but it meant a lot and to be honest that is more than a lot of my own family did. Let me add that it wasn't even about the card or money it was the fact that she remembered. We may not be able to stop time or physically go back in time but if we remember to slow down and make memories to carry with us then I think we might have beaten time in the long run.

Random thought but the other day I had the usual conversation started with someone and when they asked how I was I said good. Now as most know this is usually the end of it and you move on but this person looked at me and asked, 'Are you sure?' To them I said yes but in my head I'm thinking, well I was pretty sure until you asked and of course then as I tend to do my mind goes to more reasons then should even be possible to why they asked that. They also brought up a good point how I need to have more confidence in myself and how I can only change that. It's not that I don't know this it's the actual doing that I have problems with. It's an automatic reaction for me to joke and basically put myself down before anyone else can. I honestly sometimes don't even realize I'm doing it until I replay the conversation and do the face palm when I realize I did it again. I did, however, see a picture of myself and although I cringed I still found something positive to say and like about it and trust me that is a huge step for me. As I was told I'm a few years behind on figuring this out, well again I think I've known for some time it's just the actual doing that I get stuck in, but I'll take any small step in the right direction in building confidence in myself.

Title Not Found

If you've ever read very many of my posts you will remember that on several I kept mentioning a story I was writing, rewriting and finally rewriting again. Good news, I finally really did finish it. I have to say for the first major story I've ever really attempted to write it actually turned out decent, at least, I think it's a story that one could read. Not that you wouldn't find things to add or fix while reading, in fact, you may find a lot cause I know I do that  with any thing I ever write. So far I have given a copy of it to two people and by Sunday I should have a total of seven copies given to people. To be honest I think actually given it to someone to read has been the hardest part of all of this. As weird as it sounds it makes me feel very vulnerable to let someone read something I wrote. I even feel that way when I write a poem. Throughout all of this, and if I'm honest, long before I have realized how much easier it is for me to live in my own little world then in the real world where I have to interact with others. I guess that's cause I feel like I have more control in my own little world and that makes me feel more comfortable. In the real world I never know what to expect, which can be interesting but also a bit intimidating for me. I think that's why I've always had a life long admiration for books and have loved to read. I'm also sure that's why Superman is my favorite superhero just because he can fly. Many times I wish I could just fly away and escape somewhere where I could better sort through my thoughts. Not to mention it's very easy to like Superman when Dean Cain is one of the guys that portray him! :) And yes, Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman was one of my favorite shows back in the day. I still like to watch that show.

I recently got to finally get away even if it was only for an overnight stay in Tennessee. I was able to see the beautiful leaves changing colors. I even got to to go an area called Roaring Forks, that I had never been to before. It was a trip by myself that I had desperately needed for sometime. Ever have those times where you just need to be truly left alone and get away from people, or at least the people you are normally around. On some of the roads I went on they have preserved log houses on them. Needless to say that was my favorite time down there. Driving on those roads and getting out to see those cabins surrounded by the woods and a couple even have a creek behind or close by. I am terrified of water (more accurately of drowning) but I absolutely love the sound of the water cascading over and through the rocks. Something about that is so calming to me. Here are a few of my favorite pictures I got:

All-American Bluegrass Girl

It is no secret I listen to many different kinds of music. My favorite genres are country, bluegrass and as some would say my church music, which could include but is not limited to contemporary, southern gospel, and pretty much every thing in between. I say all that to say this, even though I am young all my life I have loved and respected bluegrass music and  Rhonda Vincent is my absolute favorite bluegrass singer. A few years ago I was fortunate enough to see her at Dollywood and even got to meet her. I figured that would be the only time I’d ever get to see her in concert but as things sometimes turn out in life I quite by accident saw where she was going to be at Renfro Valley, which is only about an hour or so from where I live. My love for music, concerts and traveling made me decide in 1.4 seconds that I was going to do whatever I could to go and the day the tickets went on sale I was stalking the website so I could click on that buy tickets button. Fast forward to October 18th, at 8:00 pm and I’m sitting in my seat when I realize that me and my cousin (who by the way had never even heard Rhonda Vincent) were the youngest people there, no exaggeration or joking. If you’ve never seen Rhonda Vincent & The Rage in concert, I strongly encourage you to go to her website and check out her tour schedule and quickly grab you a ticket to a show that is near you. Trust me as much as they tour it shouldn’t be hard to find a show and it will be money very well spent. When you see them in concert you can tell that not only do they all have God given talents (they all can play multiple instruments and can sing very well in their own right) but they have fun and joke.  I have the utmost admiration and respect for Rhonda Vincent because she seems to genuinely appreciate her fans (when a singer will wait after every show and sign autographs, take pictures with fans, etc. that means a lot, especially when she has got to be pressed for time on the very hectic schedule she has).  She isn’t a self-centered
singer that wants the spotlight on her the whole show but instead gives all of her band members equal time to showcase their talents. Needless to say if you watch one video of any of their songs from a live performance on YouTube or go to one of their concerts you can quickly see why Rhonda Vincent & The Rage are one of, if not, the most awarded bluegrass bands in the industry. They remind you what good music is and how it’s okay to sit there and tap your foot and/or sing along but they also have a way to remind you to laugh and have fun. So if you read this blog and think I wouldn’t listen to bluegrass, that’s for those old hillbillies, I will say you are depriving yourself from hearing some of the best music around and I strongly encourage you to start your bluegrass listening with Rhonda Vincent & The Rage, there is a reason why she holds the title of Queen of Bluegrass and one song of hearing her pure vocals and that amazing picking on the mandolin you can see she has earned that title. Bluegrass music might not be on most peoples play list and I may get made fun of for listening to it but to steal a line from one of Rhonda Vincent’s songs, I am an All-American bluegrass girl and proud as I can be.


I also hope this doesn’t come across like I am bragging or arrogant about this opportunity or any of the other opportunities I have been very fortunate and blessed to have been able to do. I don’t take it for granted that I am at a time in my life where I can do these things that I truly only thought they would remain dreams

Mood Swings

I'm fairly certain I've wrote about this same thing multiple times...oh well, I guess one more time won't hurt. You ever wake up in a bad mood and don't even know why every thing just irritates you, because that's the kind of day I'm having. Maybe there is something to that saying woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My day technically did start off rough when I overslept and then just every little thing is proving to be irritating since then. I hate getting in and staying in those moods longer than I should. At least for the most part Pandora is playing some music that seems to be helping realign my mood to a better place. Days when I'm like this I just want to get away from every one and just forget about having to be a responsible adult. A walk in the woods would really help, you can't be sad or in a bad mood when you walk in the woods or somewhere where you can just get away and enjoy the sounds of nature. It's funny how quick a mood can change too or things that can happen to quickly alter a mood for better or worse. I hate it when I don't even know why I'm in a bad mood though, how am I supposed to make it better when I don't even know what got me in the bad mood to begin with? It doesn't help that I have this overwhelming feeling I'm going to hear bad news. I hate when that happens because my anxiety level goes through the roof no matter how many times I try to convince myself that nothing ever happens when I have those moods, well normally it doesn't anyway. On a positive note tomorrow I get to go see Rhonda Vincent in concert, I don't have to work tomorrow and the best of all I may get to spend a little time with my little cousin. Guess I'll try to focus on that and hope that my mood decides to swing back in to at least being at a tolerable state.

It's a writing kind of day

I have been trying to add to the story that I started forever ago and am almost finished. The bad thing is I have this weird kind of writer's block. I have the ideas in my head, have the whole story line written out in there but when I sit down to write it down on paper it runs away. I also think I jinxed myself because I said I would finish the story and take it to someone so it would force me to go see them (long story but basically I have to trick myself so I will actually stop and visit people) but now I think I'm unconsciously stalling to not finish. Whatever I'm doing I need it to stop I'm ready to be finished with this last re-write and just let it go. It's not like I"m going to do anything with the story anyway, it'll sit in my computer with the exception of about five people that actually read my Facebook posts and have said they want to read it and I can't get out of that. Good news is it looks like in a couple of weeks I can ease that itch from the travel bug bite, it'll just be a weekend trip but I'll take it at this point. Finally, have I mentioned how much I love the show Castle, it truly is the only good thing about Monday. The only thing I hate is that every time I watch it I always have several 'Awww' moments and it makes me want the kind of relationship that Beckett and Castle have. I love how their relationship has progressed over the seasons. Anyway that is all of my ranting and writing so I'll go wait for Monday and my Castle fix (at least new episode, I'll watch the reruns every chance I get in between that time).

Comparing Myself with Others

It's amazing the things I will think at night to prevent myself from going to sleep. Last night while perusing Facebook again to kill a few seconds I realized I was starting to compare myself to others and by doing that I was starting to take away from the accomplishments I have made for myself. In my A.D.D. kind of way of thinking that got me to search comparing yourself to others and I actually came across a great article that basically said there is no way to win when you compare yourself to others because there is no way it can be a fair fight, we approach things differently. The article also made a great point that if you start doing that you should change the question and see how you have changed, accomplished a goal you didn't think you would, quit a habit you never thought you would, or any other thing you have done that has taken you on the road to becoming the person you want to be. I don't know maybe it's corny and whatnot but if I'm going to do any comparing I think I'm better off comparing the present day me to who I was even five years ago. It's more realistic and more focused on me, which sounds very conceited but it is me who I want to change after all and not any one else. I have been freaking out because in about six months I will be hitting the big 3-0 and that combined with comparing where I was in life to where others are was really beginning to get to me and I was thinking I was a big failure. Then I found that article and got thinking, while still fighting sleep, that I may not have the house with picket fence, husband and kids but I have accomplished a lot and have really improved and became a better person over the years. Worrying about what others think of me and comparing what I have to what others have is pointless, this isn't a game to see who can accumulate the most just to brag about it, even though to many treat life like that. I may not be where some think I should be as I quickly slide toward being thirty years old but they don't know how much I have accomplished and overcame. I'll end this post with a great quote I also found while doing my random searches last night:

“Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.” ~Unknown

Star Light, Star Bright

For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated by stars and loved looking at them. I'm not graceful to begin with and there have been many trips, and near falls because I was mesmerized by the stars while thinking I could still walk. I personally suggest just standing still, it's easier to enjoy the stars and saves a near fall for another time. Every morning on my way to my car I have a habit, albeit a little strange to some, and I'll look up to the stars. When I walk out my front door I have a perfect view of the sky and many mornings the big dipper is there to greet me. I don't care how late I am, how much I had rather crawl back in the bed, or any other thing I'd rather be doing, the moment I look up at that sky and see all those stars I forget it all. Perfect example is this morning, all I wanted to do was sleep and stay warm under my covers, until I walked outside and looked into the sky bursting with stars. I was so caught off guard and amazed I said out loud 'Wow!' as I went in circles taking in the view. I'm sure if any of my neighbors ever see me do this they  think I have lost my mind but that's okay I don't really care what they think of me. Anyway, I think my fascination with the stars is one of the few ways and things that can actually get my attention for more than five seconds and helps me focus on what really matters. Like this morning, and most mornings if I'm honest, I'm walking out the door still half asleep until something like seeing the sky full of stars snaps me awake and makes me take the time to appreciate the true wonders of life. For that moment while I'm looking up at the sky going around in circles I remember what is really important in life and it's not what we all to often tend to focus on but taking those extra seconds to enjoy someones company, to stop and smell the flowers, or to take that extra second to look up into the sky and not worry that it may make you late for work or wherever you may be going. Do I always do this? Of course not, I have my moments when I just can't take the chance and risk being late to do whatever I may think I should do. Usually when I do that I still end up late and missed out on the opportunity to see and enjoy whatever it may have been that I felt like I had no time for. However, those times, like this morning where I take the time I have a nice memory and a deeper appreciation for what truly matters in life. I'm human and the troubles and worries of life will sometimes take over and make me forget that appreciation but what really matters is the fact that I don't let those troubles and worries get me so distracted I miss the next opportunity to be reminded of what I need to focus on because to many missed opportunities and it's hard to remember what is important and really makes a difference in life.

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. 

- Og Mandino 

Photography

Welcome to this edition of Ramblings of a Quiet Girl. For this post I will be rambling about photography and any other random thing that may come to mind while typing. Happy reading! Photography is one of my favorite things to do in my spare time, I'm not good at it but I still enjoy it. I never know if it's normal or not but often I catch myself constantly looking at landscapes, the sky, or just anything and seeing it as a picture in my head. Normally, when I come up with ideas and how things should look in my head it never turns out like I have it in my thoughts and it's also never as easy to get as I think it will be either. However, recently I have noticed that although my photography skills still need work more of my ideas and how I see things in my head are actually turning out like I envision them. Still need to work on how that works concerning my writing but I figure some things you just got to keep working on to find what works for you. Which is why I am refusing to give up on this latest re-write of my story, because in my head all, not even half, of the story has been told yet. Anyway, back to photography, I recently took a short ride to Shaker Town and was able to get some pictures. It's a very beautiful place to go to just look at all of the buildings and things the Shakers would build and how they lived. For me when I set out to go take pictures if I come back with one decent picture I'm happy and feel accomplished because in all honesty I never expect for them to turn out good. Now, I don't have a fancy camera or even use any fancy photo program but some times I don't think that matters anyway. I have seen people have a fancy camera (ones that I drool at and only dream of having) and no offense but their pictures didn't turn out any better than if I had taken them with my camera. So I think it's more in the user a lot of times than the camera. So basically, I love to take pictures, I'm ecstatic when I actually take a good picture, and I drug that way out because it's Friday and I'd rather be doing anything than what I'm really supposed to be doing (aka Work...yech!)

Autumn

Autumn has officially arrived. Spring and autumn are my favorite seasons. The weather is the perfect temperature and I know it's just in my head but it seems like I can see the beauty around me better. I love seeing the leaves change color in the fall and getting to see them return brand new and so fresh in the spring. All of the seasons bring about something new and some kind of change but it always feels like spring and fall bring about the best and most beautiful changes.Seeing all of the different colors one last time before they all disappear is like reading the last few pages of your favorite book, you savor each word like you'll never get to read it again. Then when spring comes around it's like finding that same book again after months of not being able to locate it and getting to enjoy revisiting with the characters and how they change, just like you wait in anticipation for the first flowers to bloom and the leaves to grow on the trees.  I love driving around in the mountains and seeing all of the colors from the leaves changing before they make their graceful fall from the tree. I'm not a big fan of winter but the little kid in me is a little excited that all the predictions show we might actually get snow this year and no ice/sleet but not thrilled about the predicted frigid temperatures. I guess it'll make the approach of spring that much more better when it does get here. Until all that gets here I'll just enjoy the moment and keep watching the changing colors.

What To Do...that is the question of the day

A while back I wrote a short story just to see if I could write a story, than I got some more ideas and added to the story and again thought I was done with it. I had let a couple people read it and one never mentioned it so I just assumed it was so terrible she couldn't even read it and didn't want to say anything in fear of hurting my feelings. Last week, she came up to me and said she read it and didn't want to put it down (not trying to sound like I'm bragging cause I still can't help but wonder if that was an exaggeration, but either way I'll take it) and then she goes and asks me 'So, what are you going to do about it? What is your next step with this story?' I was really content, or at the very least able to lie to myself and say I was content with it staying on my computer and no one seeing it. That was until she asked me that question and now I have constantly been asking myself what are you going to do about it, is it even good enough to try to do anything with? I have tried twice to post on Facebook to see if someone would be willing to read it and give me an honest critique of the story and add any suggestions of what should be added, deleted, or if the whole story is so bad it should be thrown away. I didn't keep the status up for very long because I suddenly got very anxious and worried that for once someone would actually say they would love to read it and that kind of freaked me out. I desperately want someone's opinion about it but apparently not enough to risk someone actually reading my story.  I also have had some ideas come to mind of ways I could add more to the story. Right now I would need to add roughly eight pages to get the word count where I could technically call it a novella and I think I could easily do that with the ideas rolling in my head. I just have a lot of self doubt that I could write that good of a story and again if I did write a decent story then what? I'm not going to lie several times through out my life I have dreamed of being able to have a story published, or since I have wrote some poems even one of them being published. I truly love to write, just like reading, it can take me anywhere and I can better explain myself. I just don't know who to ask that will read it and give an opinion and am I willing to believe their opinion, if they say it's good I would constantly think they are just saying that but if they say it's terrible I'd believe that way to easy. So now I'm stuck with trying to figure out what to do because that is the question!

Stroll Down Memory Lane

I'm not really sure why I'm writing and actually posting this, maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to visit the memory again. I always find it interesting the things that happen that will cause you to take a stroll down memory lane even when you didn't intend to turn down that road. There is an elderly lady that goes to my church who has cancer and by the looks of things the cancer is about to win the battle down here but she gets the final victory. I had been wanting to go see her but things wasn't working out so I could and this past Sunday things worked out perfectly so I could go with a couple other people. When we got to her house we were sitting in the living room area and when she walked in it took me by surprise how much she reminded me of my grandma. I'd never looked at her before and thought about my grandma before but that day I did, many,  many times. I tried not to think on that because that can cause a breakdown if I'm not careful. We got to visit for awhile and when she was sitting in her chair she looked at some roses someone had got her for her birthday and she pointed them out and mentioned how pretty they were as well as some other flowers she had gotten. Again, I caught myself looking at her and thinking that sounds just like my grandma. Before we left she wanted us to pray with her, while the others I came with stood with her to pray I was just going to stand back and let them do their thing but as it was I ended up over there too. As I was standing in front of this person she said here hold my hand, now anyone that knows me any knows I'm not one for being touched or being in contact with other people, this time I didn't even think about it but just held her hand. After they finished praying she let go of my hand and hugged me and as long as I live I'll never be able to fully explain it or the feeling I got but in that moment it was just like I was not only hugging this person but I was getting to hug my grandma one more time. I guess where she has lost so much weight she was about the height and weight of my grandma is enough to explain it away and that I was just imagining things but as crazy as it may make me I like to think there is more to it than that. Oh, and did I mention she is the same age as my grandma.On top of that, yesterday as I had gotten out of my car and dropped something off at the house and as I was getting back in my car I happened to look down and wouldn't you know there was a feather on the ground. I couldn't help but smile as I reached down to pick it up and add it to my collection of feathers I've got in my car. I like to think it's my grandma's way of saying hi.  To not make this to depressing I should also add that before we left she had mentioned that she isn't in any pain, so thank God for that and I'm so glad that I'll always have the memory of getting to visit with this sweet lady I'll have the memory of that hug.

A Rambling I Will Go

I may be wrong, but I think every one at some time or another has dreamt of what it would be like to be another person, perhaps walking in the footsteps of a famous public figure. I imagine that's why those fortunate enough to have the gift to portray others get into acting so they, for a little while, can become someone else. I wasn't blessed with that kind of talent but I do have an exceptional love of reading and that is how I become someone else and travel to many different places and time periods. I must be honest and admit for awhile I had lost the enjoyment I so often got from reading but thankfully the past few books I've found to read have brought back my appreciation and want to read. Not to mention it has kept me away from television, at least until the new season of Castle begins, so that's a positive thing. The only bad thing is when reading a good book I become torn because I want to rush back to the characters and see what happens next but then I don't because I know it will be over all to soon. If you read this blog much at all it is no secret how these last few books have really got me thinking, if that's good or bad is still debatable. I've not finished the current book, To Know Her By Name (by Lori Wick), but I just had to try to sort through my thoughts and try to write. I love this book  because the main female character is quiet, clumsy, and keeps people at arm's length, much like myself. In the book Callie, or Pup, is clumsy but only when she is herself. See Pup works for the treasury department as a spy and when she takes on a new persona for her job she isn't clumsy. She even has to use this at times when she's not on the job. Now to what the book got me thinking about. I think that just like Callie we sometimes have to put on a different persona and clothes to not show certain sides of ourselves and it all can depend on who we are around or even due to circumstances surrounding us at the time. I find it a bit fascinating how we can, even at times unknowingly, put on these different facades around people. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism or our way of being who we think the other person sees us as. Some people of course do it to hide who they really are, whether it's because they really are a bad person trying to not let it show or because the person is afraid to let others see the real them for fear of rejection, ridicule, etc. Just like in the book Callie is beginning to wonder if her job is worth not being able to trust people and having to keep them at a distance I can't help but wonder if we are putting on these facades without fully seeing or understanding the possible consequences. I know certain people I get more quiet around all the while I'm so desperately wanting to talk to them. Being clumsy, well I'm just starting to claim the ability to trip on air as a talent and go with that. Like Callie, I've gotten to the point I just go on like nothing happened when I trip on that invisible high place on the floor. I don't think there is nothing wrong with having different ways to interact with people, just like there is a time and place to act a certain way there are many different ways to interact with people but when does it cross the line of becoming someone you really aren't? I think that's what's important to know and understand about oneself. I may be quiet and clumsy but that is the real me, granted, if you pick a select few subjects I'm more talkative but still quiet and always clumsy.  I won't say I don't or haven't put on facades around people because if nothing else I have when I would put on my I'm okay face when inside I was most definitely not okay. Now for my very randomly placed favorite quote from the book(so far, although there was another that really made me laugh but taken out of context it loses what makes it so funny):

"You don't say much do you?" McKay
"Not if I don't have anything to say." Callie
 (I wish I could remember to say this the next time someone brings up my lack of talking.)

Honest to goodness last thought. I know this post, like so many of the other ones I've written, doesn't make much sense. If nothing else I hope my point that we shouldn't layer on to many different persona's because we may soon lose some of our true personality is found somewhere in all these sentences. Even if it doesn't seem as glamorous or doesn't make a difference our personality makes us unique and whether we see it or not and for better or worse it can make a difference. One should never, ever compromise who they are just to fit in or be who they think someone wants them to be just to keep them in their life. Whatever your true personality is it is what makes you who you are and me who I am even if that does make me quiet and clumsy with the tendency to keep people at arm's length.

Whispers in the dark

I recently heard something said about failing that was so simple and made so much sense that I don't know how I didn't see it before. One of my biggest fears is failing. Now for the simple example that has me thinking... Imagine if you had only one egg to eat and you had to carry that egg a mile back to your house before you could eat it. You're going to hold that egg very carefully and watch it to make sure it doesn't fall out of your hands while you're walking. Suddenly as your walking, watching the egg very carefully, you tripped and the egg has fallen out of your hands and cracked, your only meal slowly falling upon the road. Why, you may ask, you was being so careful, watching the egg, but that was the problem you was focusing more on the egg and failing instead of just carefully holding the egg and focusing on the road and where you was going. You can't focus on your failures that you already have made or the could be failures (which I personally think are the worst ones to hold you back and make you trip) or you'll always feel defeated, not to mention, you'll never make it home to fix that egg (or whatever you would like to eat)!

As I mentioned in an earlier post I've been reading the second book in this series I'm reading and last night I finished Whispers in the Moonlight. Since it kind of goes with the previous paragraph I'll just save a post and write about it as well. You know how in movies sequels are usually never as good and sometimes that can be the case for series of books as well but not this time, the second book had just as much, if not more in it's own way, to offer. This book focuses on Travis and Rebecca and how she has to marry him without really knowing him. After her father passes away circumstances cause Rebecca to believe Travis only married her to get her fathers ranch. With growing assumptions and doubt Rebecca chooses to listen to all the questions rolling around in her mind and with growing suspicion and doubt that Travis cares about her but more about the ranch she runs away. Without giving much more away Travis and Rebecca both have to face a lot of things and discover a lot about themselves before you get to the happy ending. I, like Rebecca, tend to put walls up and take something that is said and make dozens of turns down assume drive, which can be a one way road that is hard to find a place to turn around on. You know how it is, all those questions attack you and come out of nowhere and they all always go down the wrong road but seem so legit and no way it isn't true at the time. And with the walls being built, mine aren't to keep a husband away, but like Rebecca it still hinders me and my friendships, or lack thereof. Another thing was how at times Rebecca would try to tear the wall down and change but fear quickly rose at the last minute causing her to quickly build the wall back up and forget about trying to change because after all she would fail anyway and Travis didn't really love her. I, personally, do the same thing with making up my mind I can do something as simple as going up to a friend or acquaintance for example and starting a conversation and will play it out in my head only to chicken out at the last minute and build the wall back up and only keep the conversation on my end to the bare minimum. Anyway, Rebecca finally starts letting the wall down, not completely but enough to make progress and I think the wall will come completely down in the third book. So like Rebecca I got to remember not to do 20 questions in my head all based on assuming what was behind the short conversation exchange and how something was said sounded may not have been intended the way I took it (someone sounding like they are mad at you when in fact they are just short with you because of something personal going on in their own life that has absolutely nothing to do with you type of thing) I got to remember it's okay not to always have the wall up.I'm posting the video for the song Austin by Blake Shelton because it is a perfect analogy of how Travis' love never dwindled or stopped for Rebecca while he searched and ultimately had to wait for her to come back to him. In fact if this book had a soundtrack, that would definitely be on it. What can I say, when I read I am not only there I also include the musical score too!

So next time you, or I, have those whispers in the dark about failing remember to take one step at a time and focus on where you're going instead of all those questions/thoughts pointing out how it could go wrong. Easier said than done but I think it's worth trying, at least for myself, maybe you will to. Here's to learning not to focus on my failings and short comings but on the finish line, and how I will make it there without dropping my egg. :)

Travel Bug

I'm always ready to go anywhere and love to travel but I think I really got bit by the travel bug here lately because all I can think about is going somewhere out of state and actually staying over at least one night. The only problem is according to everyone that I mention the places I want to go I get told they are to far for me to go by myself. Every one I know has a life and/or just doesn't want to travel with me, not that I blame them I doubt I'm easy to travel with. I have officially given up making plans on going anywhere because they never work out. I figure there is some reason for them not working out but don't think I'll ever know that reason. I think the word plan should be added to the list of the words that when written in comics symbols are used instead of letters and it should be written something like *?^!.....I mean this year I actually had a week off of work back in the spring and just had another week off last week, did I get to go on any trips and stay anywhere for any length of time? Nope. I don't mind going anywhere by myself but I won't turn down any company either. I think I'm just going to have to suck it up and go somewhere by myself and just break out the extra cautious common sense. I never know if watching to many criminal shows has helped or hurt me. Either way I wish this irritation from the travel bug bite would go away either because I get to actually go somewhere or just out of sympathy for me not to be able to go anywhere at the moment.

And just a warning if you read the post 'Eyesight isn't always 20/20' I am about to start reading the second book in that series so if it is anything like that first it's safe to say I'll be writing about it as well but otherwise I think I got enough writing on here out of me to last a little bit.

You like me, you really like me

This may make me sound very conceited but I don't mean it like that, but I often wonder how people see me, and by this I really mean am I really treating people like I want to be treated and am I as good as a friend as I want to, things like that. Here lately I've really found myself questioning these things about myself and what I am very slowly getting to write about are things that I think may be happening to help show me that I obviously got work to do but I may be just a little to hard on myself and people really do see me differently than I see myself. Perhaps that is why here lately I've had people directly tell me or I've over heard it being said positive things about me and go figure it is exactly about the things that I've been questioning about myself. Have you ever been walking away from a group of friends, or whoever, and someone will say something (good!) about you? I never know how I'm supposed to address this - do I act like I didn't hear it, was I even suppose to hear it? By now, if you've read very much of this blog it is obvious I ask A LOT of questions. God probably made me quiet so half of my questions wouldn't be heard, otherwise no one would get anything accomplished. Anyway, back to the over hearing thing (I also have a hard time staying on subject), this has happened and I know I was suppose to hear it but I still didn't know what to say. I tend to not accept compliments very easily, I appreciate them very much but I don't always believe them at first. This past Sunday I heard someone talking about me and saying some really nice stuff about me and she went on to say I wish she could find her a nice Christian man that liked to travel like she does. You just can't avoid that pesky relationship question/statement even when you're not around! That got me thinking how much you wanna bet someone is praying I end up in a relationship, I wish I knew if that was the case because I got a lot better things they could be praying for concerning me. Anyway, I couldn't help but wonder is there a correct way to handle that whole over hearing people talk about you. I have recently truly seen how much and what people do think about me. I guess I always knew but the last few weeks I suppose it's starting to sink in and I have gotten ever so slightly better about telling people and showing them as well. It's still a work in progress but I am going in the right direction.

Eyesight is not always 20/20 (patience suggested while reading this one)

*Disclaimer: I know this starts out sounding like a book report but I promise if you have patience and read it, towards the end I will finally get to my point, you can look for the * if you want to skip ahead to just get to my point

I recently had someone lend me some books to read. I love that because it ends up keeping me out of bookstores and from buying books when I get the impulse to get another one. Anyway, this book is part of  a series, which I sometimes hesitate to start because I either get really involved and the characters become so real to me I hate for the series to end or I don't get involved but feel obligated to finish the series. So far this series is definitely leaning towards getting involved and truly liking the characters and stories. In case you are wondering this book is, Where the Wild Rose Blooms by Lori Wick. I think this book is sticking out as one I can appreciate and feel like I'm right there because I can so relate to the characters. I love finding books where there is a character, or more, that reminds me of myself or someone I know. Many times while reading, at least if I'm really lucky, I'll catch myself reading something a character says or does and think, 'I do or say that all the time. I wonder how weird it is that if the character is going through a situation similar to one I am or have gone through I tend to read it more carefully than normal to see how they went about solving and getting through the problem. Sometimes books take the Hollywood way out but I have found two books that have made a great impact on me and legitimately helped me even though both were works of fiction. Those being the one aforementioned and Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Without giving anything away in the book by Lori Wick I have to say it's one of those times you find yourself really thinking and asking yourself serious thought provoking questions. Or at least I did, but maybe I take reading to a whole other level above what most people do when they read. I found myself at first relating to the character Edwina, she after all was the kind of person everyone assumes they are and wants to be but I quickly found I may be more like Jacqueline, or Jack as her father calls her. Basically, Jacqueline can let her pride get in her way and she thinks she's okay and will make it to heaven because she's a good person. Until tragedy hits and she pushes the man she loves away thinking he couldn't love her the way she is now. As fate would have it they meet again and Jacqueline begins to better understand the true meaning of accepting the love of the man she loves as well as the true meaning of God's love and forgiveness.

*Here's where I get to my point if you want to skip ahead*

Anyway, before this sounds even more like a book report I'll get to my point. While reading and ever since finishing the book I can't help but wonder how many of us are walking around blind but have vision. So often we see people with disabilities and find ourselves saying how terrible it is they have to face the world with their disability. Not realizing that even though they face a different route to get things done and no doubt a harder, steeper climb to get there they don't let it get in there way.  All the while not realizing that we so often are more disabled than the person we see as being hindered. I dare say the people I've seen that have had to face diversity and had disabilities were more determined and even thankful than people that can take the easy way to get their goal accomplished. Put another way, sometimes I wonder how many of us have sight but don't really see. When was the last time you took the time to enjoy the beauty of a sunset or looked up to see the wonder of a night sky full of stars? How many of us have hearing but don't really listen to the sounds and words of music, or catch the excitement as a friend tells about an event or even that change in their voice that says they aren't being 100% honest when they say everything is fine. Most importantly, perhaps,  is how many of us have health and the true blessings and treasures of life but aren't living and appreciating what we have? It's a lot of questions I know but I have asked myself all of them because like Jacqueline I thought I was okay but now I think it's time I take an honest look at myself. Sometimes it involves asking some tough questions I don't like the answer to and sometimes it means going through some trials to open your eyes to see the truth and what matters and to even be able to accept help and love and to move pride out of the way. Basically, in my long drawn out way, I'm just saying just because we have the gift of the senses (sight, hearing, touch, etc.) don't take for granted that you are using them to the full potential. And I do highly recommend the two books I mentioned, even if they aren't books you would normally read. I'll try reading any kind of book once. Forgive the longer than normal post, I have a lot of thinking to get out.

If only this post had a point but it doesn't....

I think I've momentarily forgot about having a blog, feels like forever since I've written anything on here or could think of anything to write. Now I have something I want to write about and for the life of me I can't sort my thoughts enough to make a sentence that would be understandable. I thought about going ahead and trying to type it out and go with the flow on here but I can't do that because it just doesn't feel right this time to just type and get it out that way. Last night I tried writing it out on paper and it didn't seem to want to be written on paper yet either. Wonder if anyone else has ever had that happen, have a thought that you really want to share and actually makes sense and could get others thinking but for the life of you it just can't be written.Normally this would worry me that I will forget it, and it's still very possible, but the fact that I can't stop thinking about it should help me to get it written down eventually. I only hope that by the time my thoughts will cooperate and I can write it down and get it posted that I don't read it and think why did I think this was worth sharing. Even if I don't post it on here, I desperately want to get it written down, maybe it's just for my own benefit to help me see what I need to change. I feel like there is some sort of changing coming for me and I don't know if it's just my imagination or if it is possible and if it  is possible I don' t know how to feel about it. However, if it's a change to help me in areas that I've really been wanting to improve than I'll take it even if at first it is very grudgingly.

Memories

A friend of mine recently posted a photo from back in the day with me and another girl I went to school with and for the life of me I can't remember that ever happening. I know it did cause I'm staring at the photo evidence and there is no way it was photo shopped. Isn't it funny though how you can not have a single memory, faintest idea of even where or when something happened and you know it did because there is legitimate photo evidence. Although, the strange and funny thing is I do distinctly remember the shirt I was wearing in the picture but I have tried to will and even force myself to remember anything else and I can't. The same thing happened about a year ago when people were posting pictures from school days like crazy in getting ready and/or excited about the ten year high school reunion. Truth be told there is probably a post about that as well but it just really fascinates me how the mind can work and how you just seem to lose memories or even block memories. Guess that's proof that it's a good thing to take as many pictures and make as many memories as possible. The more you make maybe the better chance you will still have some to look back on. And when you stumble across the pictures with you in it or even of places you know you went to but that particular place looks so unfamiliar at least you can look at it and know you was there and did something and wait for the day that just maybe that memory may be found again.

A Title Goes Here

I'm so used to over analyzing and thinking I've done something to annoy or bother some one that it actually throws me off course when someone else will ask if they have done something to me or apologize for something they did thinking it was rude or something. I tend to apologize first and find out what I'm apologizing for later. It is no secret I can get my feelings hurt ridiculously easy, which is one of those things that drives me crazy about myself and I can think I've done something when I'm not at fault at all. So I was really surprised when I got an apology from someone saying they had acted rude about something because that particular incident was one of those rare times that my over thinking didn't kick in and I honestly didn't even pay attention to what happened and didn't think nothing about it. Perhaps it's a sign that I'm getting over that very annoying habit.  It is kind of funny that when something doesn't bother you someone will no doubt sincerely think it does, but when something does truly bother you or hurt your feelings no one seems to hardly ever catch those. It's nice to know though that every one, or most every one, at one point or another has done that. I guess over thinking can be a normal thing to have to deal with after all.

Third Wheel

I think I'm starting to understand why I go places by myself and it's not just because of the hard time I have of getting people to go with me. It seems like it never fails that when I do get someone to go with me they end up inviting someone too and I end up being the third wheel on my own trip to wherever. It's not so bad if I know the person but I guess you can't get to know people if you aren't around them. I always hate it though when that happens and you end up being left out in conversations and basically doing every thing on your own anyway so you might as well have went on the trip by yourself. At least when I go by myself I'm not rushed or on anyone's schedule. Of course when I go by myself I'm limited on some of the things I can do, or at least when, and it can get boring. You can only get talking to yourself so many times before people start looking at you funny! I should be used to being the third wheel, Lord knows I've had plenty of practice and will forever be the third wheel. I don't the fact that others are there bother me, as they say the more the merrier (usually, anyway), it's the suddenly learning there are others coming when all along it was just supposed to be x amount of people. Thankfully, usually this never ends up being a problem and all ends well so guess I always worry about it for nothing like I am so good at doing. I just hate change and when I have it in my mind something is going to be a certain way and it gets changed it bugs me and I don't like it until half way through and I realize it's not so bad. So here's to apparently always going somewhere by myself and/or being the third wheel.

Writer's Block

I'm in one of those moods I really want to write and I know that I have ideas brewing in my mind but when I go to write anything it's like all my thoughts go in to hiding or hit a massive wall while trying to escape and let me write them down. I have a greater appreciation of the phrase writer's block. The other day I saw something that gave me an idea to try to write a poem and I sat down to try to write the ideas down to sort through and make coherent sentences and phrases with but what little I actually wrote down seemed forced and just wasn't right so I put it away. Kind of like with this post I feel like I'm having to force myself to write anything, which then makes it not fun to write at all. I don't claim to be good at writing (including what I write on here, and the other random things I write) but I use writing as an escape and to help get a better grip on the thoughts running around in my head. Now I'm having one of those moments where I've hit the wall and can't write or what little I have written it doesn't make sense or feel right to write. You always hear of actual authors that write for a living having writer's block and they some how get over that little glitch so hopefully this won't last to much longer cause my poor mind can't handle much of a backlog of to many thoughts stuck in my head.

Yes, No, Maybe

Being quiet definitely has its advantages and most of the time I'm very content in being quiet, or only known as the quiet girl, but some times it can get aggravating. The biggest issue I think I have probably isn't what one would initially think. Most would probably assume it would be people not hearing me when I talk and/or having to constantly repeat myself but if someone doesn't initially hear me when I say something to them I'll generally just go on about my business and forget about it, nine times out of ten I was just trying to fill in an awkward silence or try to not make my quietness seem more like snobbish, rude behavior. In fact, my biggest issue is in the fact that people always assume when you say no that you really mean yes and are just to shy to say so. Admittedly, I have done this before but it isn't always the case, most of the time in fact. It's a bit more understandable when strangers may assume this but my friends and family should so be able to tell when there may be a yes or a maybe hiding out under the no that just came out of my mouth. Most people are probably thinking why don't you just say yes or no when you mean yes or no. Truthfully, I have gotten so much better about that and over 75% (if not more) of my responses are the honest to goodness answer that I am saying. I think that is just one of those automatic stereotypes that falls under the shy/quiet category and like most stereotypes can be proved to be untrue, especially once you get to know the shy/quiet person. Either way, just like people can't understand why it can be hard for a quiet person to just say or do what they want, I can't understand why people can't understand a no really does just mean no when it is said by a quiet person.

Struck Me Funny

You know we're generally taught at an early age certain words are considered bad and shouldn't be said, out of respect or for various other reasons. I think some words should be added to that list and I'm just not sure how they didn't get added. The big one that I think should be added is diet, that is such an evil word that just makes me cringe and my stomach growl when I just hear it! A while back I was asked if I was on a diet and I quickly said no. I'm trying to not visit the junk food side of town, or pantry in this case, as often in hopes to eat better and I've said goodbye to the pop (AKA soda) train,  but I refuse to say I'm on a diet. I mean really, the first three letters of the word spell die, and I personally am not ready to die just yet and if I go on a diet me or someone around me could seriously get hurt. So I have come up with the solution that this round of trying to eat better and just be healthier I will refrain from using that terrible word and just go on about my business. So far it seems to be working out better for me than any time before.

I recently saw a person that had the middle name of Christ and it cracked me up. I'm not sure if the 'i' is  pronounced with a long or short vowel sound but than again where I'm from any word with an 'i' is automatically a long vowel and I do mean long. I wonder if her parents thought if her middle name was Christ (and assuming it's pronounced with the long vowel), that when they got so mad they had to say her whole name that when they said Christ it would help them calm down before they did or said something they would regret. I wonder if parents nowadays even say a child's full name or if they just go straight to counting. That cracks me up too. Hear some parent say to a kid something a long the lines of  'You better put that toy away where it belongs in your room.' and the kid just sits there so then the parent just starts counting. I'm surprised some kids nowadays don't think their name is One Two Three and a half. And if that's how you parent more power to you, I can't help it that it cracks me up, that's how my sense of humor rolls and I can't seem to alter my humor.

Thinking Problem

The capabilities of all that the mind can do is truly amazing and I often wonder if we will ever truly know and understand all that our mind does and why. I don't think my poor mind can even understand itself at times, or it just likes to play some cruel jokes on me. It really is like my mind has found and taken over the remote control for my life and during the day it puts itself on mute so I can't even remember something as simple as what day it really is. Then it becomes night and that's a completely different story. This is when my mind becomes a hard of hearing person that likes to channel surf with the volume turned all of the way up. I sometimes don't mind the fight to go to sleep, I have actually gotten some decent ideas of things to write because of this. Now that I think about it, I guess the mind really is our remote for life. Some nights I even crack myself up, not that I'm necessarily funny, it's just that I have officially became slap happy for the night while waiting for sleep. On those nights I get a laugh, or good chuckle, at my own expense because of the rapid fire thoughts that keep coming and how side tracked I can get. I have gotten so far away from my original thought I can't find my way back from all the side roads of thoughts I took. It's like playing 5 degrees of (insert random thought here) instead of 5 degrees of Kevin Bacon. This happened the other night and if I'd thought I could've gotten the thoughts on paper before my mind went on selective shut down I would've written them down, if for nothing else but to have proof I'm not exaggerating about this. At one point I couldn't help but think this must be a glimpse of what it may be like in Robin Williams head and how he goes all over the place when he is telling jokes or just talking. No offense to him intended, I think he is hilarious. At least on those nights with the funny random thoughts, I can have a little fun and amusement while waiting for sleep to kick in. I don't like the nights where my mind takes the philosophical, theological and any of those other to serious roads. Those tend to get me in deeper and more confused than I ever want to be but especially before I go to sleep. So basically, in conclusion, I can only say for certain that I have a thinking problem that at times keeps me awake at night and helps me day dream while I'm supposed to be working but that same problem has helped me somehow take the scenic route to the answers I needed to find. Here's to all of our thinking problems and may we learn and enjoy the sometimes long and (hopefully) scenic route they take us on.